Open Your Heart

My cheeks were streaked with a trail of tears, my lower lip quivering as I turned and found my way back to our bus. I wasn’t sure where Danny was going, but I tried to push the thought of him completely out of my mind. Unfortunately, his response haunted me, burnt into my memory and causing my heart to split in two. I was relieved to see the bus was empty when I got back. I let out a heart-wrenching sob as I collapsed in my bunk, pulling the curtain shut.

I wished that I could have taken back everything I had said. But it was too late now, Danny knew my true feelings and he wanted nothing to do with me. At least that’s the way he made it seem. His gaze was completely void of all emotions as he stared at me, his reply “okay” was so hushed and nonchalant. Did my feelings truly mean nothing to him? Did our friendship over so many years mean nothing to him? I hid my face in my pillow, my body shaking as I let out more sobs, tears soaking the fabric.

I heard the door of the bus open and slam shut, causing me to go silent. I listened closely as I heard footsteps coming closer. I held my breath as they stopped right outside my bunk. “Ben, are you in there?” His voice caused my heart to break all over again. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and took a deep breath, “what do you want?” I asked pulling back the curtain and rolling my eyes.

“You said you wanted pizza, so I brought back some.” He replied shrugging his shoulders and handing me the plate of covered pizza. Though the gesture was sweet, I could feel myself becoming more and more agitated with Danny. He was really going to move on as if I hadn’t said anything? He was just going to pretend it never happened?

I narrowed my eyes at him and pursed my lips, shaking my head. “I don’t want your pizza, Danny.” He looked away quickly and sighed, nodding his head and turning away. He seemed so disappointed in my reply and I couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt. I watched as he placed the plate of pizza down on the table and plopped down on the couch with a defeated sigh.

It was obvious that something was troubling Danny, but I wasn’t sure if this time I could be the one to fix it. Not when it was so easy for him to turn away from me and leave me heartbroken. I wasn’t sure what I expected to happen, but I wasn’t ready for that. I felt fresh tears well up at the memory of it all. I choked back a sob as I pulled the curtain to my bunk closed again, catching Danny’s gaze out of the corner of my eye.

I spent the rest of the night curled up in my bunk, trying to tell myself that I was foolish to ever think Danny could have feelings for me; forcing the memory of his lips against my skin out of my head. When the other guys all went out to a bar, I told them I was feeling sick and I wouldn’t be joining. Cam gave me a weird look, almost like he didn’t quite believe my excuse, but they left me anyway. And when they all stumbled back in around 4:30 in the morning, I squeezed my eyes shut and pretended to be asleep. That is until I felt someone crawl into my bunk and tighten their arms around me. Until I could feel his breath against my cheeks, the smell of whiskey so thick that it suffocated me.

“I wish…I wish I could save y-you, Ben.” His words were slurred and interrupted with drunken hiccups, but they brought tears to my eyes and I felt my body begin to shake in his arms. I quickly covered my face, but he caught my hands and pulled them away, wiping away the tears that had slipped down my cheeks. “I c-can’t be yours.” He added, leaning down and placing a soft kiss on my forehead. He pushed my head down into his chest and I let my eyes slip closed as he rubbed small circles on my back, trying to calm me down. His words sank in as I felt myself drift off to sleep. Why couldn’t he be mine?