Status: Just starting. It may take a bit but please read it
Snowfall
Imprisoned
I've been here before. Maybe not this exact place but I have been HERE; imprisoned. Not shackled and bound. Not incarcerated or convicted of some heinous crime awaiting my trial. No. I'm not in prison but I feel like I may as well be.
I can't remember how I got here exactly. I know I chose this though. I put myself here. I must have felt my mental stability slipping, reaching it's end... it would not be the first time...
To put it one way I am sick. I can't handle it. By 'it', I mean anything. Life and friends and work are taking their tolls. 'But that is normal', you say? Maybe. But I guess I'm not built to handle it. Either way, it has put me back in the hospital; the psych ward if you must know.
Its not like I didnt have a mildly normal life before this though. I did. I was working, cooking dinner for my family, talking to friends, going bowling and enrolling in college. But on the darker side, I was living again with my parents at eighteen, escaping my hometown and it's demons, secretly working on my sobreity, treating my wounds from an emotional catastrophe and hiding the past year's suicide attempts via cigarettes, work and video games. For the moment, I thought, I was safe.
Yet here I am. One little thing; my 'best friend' and partner in crime gets married... that and the longing for my friends' Molly, Cocaine and Alcohol... and I have fallen over the edge again. But its okay. I am here to get better. Thats what I've been telling myself. So here I am; sitting alone in my room, dreading the thought of sleep and yet craving it all the same. I don't feel sad right now because I am numb. But it takes a lot of work and energy to do that and I know it, because in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart, I am hurting. A lot.
I can't remember how I got here exactly. I know I chose this though. I put myself here. I must have felt my mental stability slipping, reaching it's end... it would not be the first time...
To put it one way I am sick. I can't handle it. By 'it', I mean anything. Life and friends and work are taking their tolls. 'But that is normal', you say? Maybe. But I guess I'm not built to handle it. Either way, it has put me back in the hospital; the psych ward if you must know.
Its not like I didnt have a mildly normal life before this though. I did. I was working, cooking dinner for my family, talking to friends, going bowling and enrolling in college. But on the darker side, I was living again with my parents at eighteen, escaping my hometown and it's demons, secretly working on my sobreity, treating my wounds from an emotional catastrophe and hiding the past year's suicide attempts via cigarettes, work and video games. For the moment, I thought, I was safe.
Yet here I am. One little thing; my 'best friend' and partner in crime gets married... that and the longing for my friends' Molly, Cocaine and Alcohol... and I have fallen over the edge again. But its okay. I am here to get better. Thats what I've been telling myself. So here I am; sitting alone in my room, dreading the thought of sleep and yet craving it all the same. I don't feel sad right now because I am numb. But it takes a lot of work and energy to do that and I know it, because in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart, I am hurting. A lot.