Here With Me

March 8th

It was Friday and the week was a long and painful one. On Monday I came into the office early and talked with Jann, asking him permission to move into a different office; I told him that it was time for me to have an office of my own, and though he was hesitant saying he 'didn't want to split up the dynamic duo', he agreed to give me the office next to his. So I packed up my belongings from my desk and moved into the office. It was quiet...something I wasn't used to.

I didn't even tell Christian that I moved, but then again we weren't talking either, so he would've figured it out on his own.

My stomach was churning and my foot was tapping nervously on the floor as it was nearing 6 o'clock. Hudson's flight was coming in this evening, at about 8. Tonight was the night...I was going to tell him what happened. I was rubbing my forehead, feeling a headache coming on as I stared at the blank document on the screen. This had been my worst week when it came to writing anything. I couldn't focus. I was just overwhelmed with these different feelings and the memories of this past week.

And I felt emotionally drained, it was beginning to take it's toll on me physically. My eyes had even become red and sore from all of the crying this past week. I closed them for a moment.

A gentle knocking at my door made me open my eyes again. Christian stood in the doorway holding some envelopes.

"Yes?" I softly spoke. He turned his eyes down, he wouldn't look at me. I sighed.

"That new intern dropped off your mail to the wrong office." He walked in and placed the envelopes on my desk, hesitating to leave.

"Thank you." I replied, looking up at him.

"...Avery, I'm sorry about Sunday night. I'm sorry about acting that way." He quietly spoke.

I closed my eyes, "I'm sorry I hurt you...I was angry when I said those things."

"Can we just talk for a bit?" He asked.

"Sure, have a seat." I nodded.

When he sat down he stared down at his feet for a while, not saying anything, but I let him have his time to think, I waited. When he was ready, he looked up at me and sighed.

"You wanna know why I acted that way?...I acted that way and asked you all those questions because I thought that I had made it into your life. I thought that you had opened up to me and that we were at that level where personal things could be talked about. And maybe I was so aggressive because I saw that I was losing you...though I guess I never had you, but I was fighting to hold on to you, to the last of that weekend because somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that you were right. We wouldn't last. We wouldn't make it. We never had a future. The things I said to you and asked you were rude and disrespectful and I apologize. I'm deeply and sincerely sorry for the emotional hurt that I've caused you."

I stared at him for a long while and took a deep breath. "What happened to us? When we first met last year, we were friends. We were honest and had this funny little friendship and now things have become dark...and sad. Do you think things could ever go back the way they were?"

He was silent and I thought about what I had said.

I gave a humourless laugh, "I don't think so. But it's for the best that we stopped everything now...Hudson's coming home tonight...I'm gonna tell him."

He nodded. "That's probably a good thing to do..."

"I never wanted to hurt you. I don't like hurting people, but sooner or later it's gonna be more than just you and I...I just can't be that kind of person anymore, being dishonest to those I love. I'm terrified and filled with anxiety because of this, but I know that I don't have any other choice but to tell Hudson." I leaned back into my chair and stared to the side of the room, trying to picture what would happen, how Hudson would react.

"Well then...I don't really know what to say. Good luck would be inappropriate. But I'll own up to it too, I don't want you to take the wrap for everything. It took two to make this mess." He stood up and took in a breath.

"Thanks." I spoke.

"I'm gonna get going, it's almost six." He murmured.

I nodded and sat up straight, taking the mail and making it into a neat pile after taking a peak at what everything was. "Okay...see you 'round."

He gave a polite nod and left my office, leaving me once again to the silence of this room and the loudness of the racing thoughts in my mind. Things were different now and they'd never go back to the way they were.

When I was back home, I had attempted to make dinner but found that I was too nervous to eat. I wanted time to slow so I could plan out what I was going to say, I had even tried to distract myself, but it wasn't any use. I paced back and forth through the room, shaking and trying to calm my nerves. Time was going by quickly and it was already half past eight.

When I heard the keys in the door and the deadbolt unlocking I froze and stared at the door, waiting for him to enter. He strolled in, pulling his luggage along behind him, with a smile. His hair was different.

"I'm back!" He grinned, leaving his bag by the door and quickly approaching me, pulling me into a big hug, holding me close for a moment. "Oh how I've missed you." He murmured.

"I've missed you too Hudson." I smiled, my arms wrapped around his neck. I couldn't help but run my fingers against his head. "Your hair."

"I know! What do you think?" He laughed and released me, touching his head. The sides and back were shaved just as he said, and the top was left a little longer and slicked back; very 1920s, Jimmy Darmody-like.

"I like it, I really do. It's so different." I half-smiled, running my fingers through the top of his hair and then stroking the side of his face, looking into his gentle eyes. He smiled and leaned in, kissing me.

After, he started up again, "Oh, the restaurant plans are all in order, and I went to Ikea and a few different places and purchased the furniture and had it delivered to the house. Things are falling into place, I'm just so happy. And I got you something." He grinned, turning around and going back to his bag, taking something from the side zipper.

When he came back he had it behind his back with that boyish smile. He presented a small but flat red box with a twine ribbon on it. I felt guilty already.

I took it with a smile, "Oh Hudson, you didn't need to get me anything."

"Open it." He smiled.

So I did as I was told and untied the ribbon and lifted the lid, smiling when I saw that it was a necklace with a delicate chain and a small charm on it of Big Ben. "This is so sweet."

"Turn it over."

I hesitated but turned the charm over and saw that it was now the Empire State Building. I looked up at him and smiled, "Big Ben and the Empire State Building."

"So when we're in London, you'll have a little piece of New York with you, and while we're here, you'll have a little piece of London with you." He softly smiled, looking down at me.

I stared down at the necklace, "Hudson, this is so sweet and so thoughtful, thank you." Oh no, don't get emotional now, not now... I hugged him tightly and knew that I couldn't wait any longer. Gently I released him and placed the necklace back in its box, taking a moment to compose and ready myself for what was about to come.

"Hudson...we need to talk." I spoke.

"Sure...love, are you alright?" He asked.

I couldn't speak for a moment, I felt like I was going to be sick, I needed to breathe. "Hudson, I did something terrible while you were away."

He watched and waited for me.

I clenched my fist and closed my eyes, taking in one last breath before saying it.

"I...cheated on you." Oh no, here they come, the emotions.

He stared at me and then blinked a few times. He moved his mouth as if he was trying to figure out what to say but was struggling. "What?" He spoke in disbelief. I used every once of strength in me to hold back the tears, but I was losing the battle.

"I'm sorry Hudson. I'm so sorry." I broke down crying, holding my face like a small child would.

He stared down at the floor with no emotion but still the look of disbelief. "...Wait...you cheated on me. You, you kissed another man? Y-you...you slept with another man?"

I couldn't even speak because the sobs were preventing me, all I could do was nod. He lifted his head and looked at me, furrowing his brow. "With who?"

Still unable to find my voice, I struggled to speak, but he became impatient. "Who?!" He demanded.

"Christian." I whimpered.

He gave a pained look and turned away, smoothing his hands against his face and shaking his head. "I trusted him...I trusted you!...Wh-why? Avery, why would you do this to me?" I saw that he was beginning to get emotional and it killed me to see him this way. "Haven't I given you everything?" He continued, "Haven't I been the best husband I could be?"

"Yes, Hudson, yes you have-"

"Then what happened? Did I do something wrong?" He stared at me with those glossy eyes that were filled with pain. I shook my head and sniffled, trying to control my sobs. "No, no you didn't do anything wrong. Hudson, I was stupid and foolish and I gave in to something that was wrong. Hudson, you know that I love you so much, that never changed. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

I could tell that he was trying to hold his tears back but a few escaped and streamed down his face, only to be quickly wiped away. "I never thought that you would do this to me...but then again, isn't this how you and I ended up together?" He sniffled and looked away.

"Hudson, I will never leave you. What I did..it was a mistake I made, the biggest and worst mistake I could ever make and I wish I could take it back."

"It was a choice Avery!" He then broke down and began crying. I reached out to touch him but he stepped back and shook his head, "Don't. Please don't. Avery...you broke my heart." His voice cracked and he tried to control his tears. I saw him as a little boy; a red eyed, sobbing little boy whose lip trembled, how he would've been as his mother consoled him. And it broke my heart to see him this badly hurt, and it was all my fault.

"Hudson, I'm not in anyway expecting you to forgive me...and you're right. It was a choice, a terrible, awful, hurtful choice and I hate myself for making it. I should've been a better wife, I made vows to you: for better or for worse, and I vowed that I would be faithful to you, that I'd honour and devote myself to you...and I broke that vow. And I'm sorry Hudson, I'm sorry. Please hear me."

As tears continued to stream down my face, he wiped away his. He had the saddest and most hurt look on his face, so hurt that he couldn't even look at me. He turned and walked toward the door, taking the keys to his car off of the hook. He grabbed the handle on his bag and I could tell he was forcing himself to look up at me. "This is the second most painful and most terrible heartbreak I've ever gone through...I'm sure you know very well what the first is."

My heart dropped when I realized that he was referring to the death of his mother. He opened the door and readied himself to leave, but I tried to plead with him to stop. "No, please Hudson, don't go. Please, don't go."

But he ignored my plea and left anyway, closing the door behind him. He was gone. And so was a part of me. I was left completely speechless, standing there in shock. I didn't even know what to do with myself now. Overwhelmed and stupefied, I slowly began walking toward the bedroom, and once inside, I crawled into bed and clutched the pillow as tight as possible.

What have I done?