Here With Me

April 3rd, Wednesday

I stood up from sitting in a comfy leather chair to shake hands with him, "Well thank you so much for your willingness to do this interview, it was a pleasure to do it and to finally meet you Billie." I smiled at the frontman of the band I grew up listening to.

He smiled back and shrugged his shoulders, "Well this'll be the only interview I'll do talking about it." He was referring to his past substance abuse and his time in rehab. "But it was okay talking about with you, you're good at what you do."

I blushed, "Thanks, I try my best."

"Well I've had plenty of shitty interviews before, this was one of the best." He half-smiled. The door opened and his wife Adrienne poked her head in and gently smiled. "It's four o'clock, is the interview finished yet? Pat's getting impatient." She was talking about Billie Joe's manager.

"Uh, I think we are, we did the photo shoot here and then the interview." He looked at me for a definite answer. "And we're finishing the rest of the shoot in Cali?"

I nodded and smiled, "Yup, on Saturday I'll meet you in Oakland. But as for now, we're all good. I'll work on the interview right away and bring you the final draft before we send it to the printers."

"Alright, again thank you." He gave a bigger smile, almost looking relieved for everything to be over with. I thanked him back and we gave each other a friendly hug before he left with Adrienne.

I gave a sigh and smiled to myself, wow, this is the biggest interview of my career. I got to meet my long time hero! And I get to see him again on Saturday. Good timing for Hudson and I to be going to California this weekend. The door opened again and I eagerly looked up. It was Christian, holding his camera.

"Hey, good job." He smiled, walking toward me. I cleared my throat and stood up, "Thanks, it was pretty nerve wracking, but he's such an easy guy to talk to."

"Well he was smiling when he left, so it must have been good. Uh, did you wanna check out the pictures from the shoot?" He slightly rocked his camera in his hand. I quickly nodded and smiled, "Yeah sure."

He turned on the camera and went through the pictures with me, I started to laugh at the goofy picture I took with Billie. There were lots of pictures and they were all so good. "These are really good. Good job Christian." I politely smiled.

There was still some tension between us, I'm sure he found out about Amelia's little visit last week but I didn't want to bring that up. After we had gone through all the pictures, he shut off the camera and there was an awkward silence between us.

"So, uh, you're gonna meet up with Billie Joe again this weekend?" He asked, looking down but rubbing the back of his neck. He turned his eyes up at me.

"Yeah, I'm going for a short vacation to Los Angeles this weekend and when I was telling Jann about it he suggested that I do another photo shoot with Billie in Oakland, something more intimate, in his hometown." I had my hands behind my back and knotted my fingers.

"That's cool...I hope you have fun in California...this'll be your first time going there?"

I nodded and smiled. We're going to Disneyland.

"You'll like it." He bit his lip and awkwardly looked away.

Again we stood in silence, the ticking of the clock was the loudest in the room. He cleared his throat, "Well, I guess we'll talk later, or whatever." He began walking away and I just sat back down on the leather chair, straightening the pile of papers and placing them neatly into my notebook.

I looked up again and realized that he was had stopped at the door. He turned around to face me and sighed, "Okay, so when Hudson came to my place...that was uncalled for, but I understand his motive. What I don't understand is you."

I blinked at him and waited for him to continue.

"Like, is this just a game for you? Get guys to fall for you, play with their hearts, their feelings, then run away?"

I sighed and took off my Ray-Ban glasses, running a hand through my hair. "No. That's not what I do. I didn't intend on any of this."

"What I don't understand is how you can just shut off your feelings like that. You told me that you felt the same way and that you wanted what I wanted. And that was each other. Like, how can a person live life like that?"

I stared at him from my seat and shook my head. "I didn't shut off my feelings. I just can't go back to them anymore. I'm trying to make my marriage work."

He shook his head and closed his eyes. "Okay...okay." He sat down next to me and stared hard at me. "Tell me one thing then."

I looked at him.

"Did you ever love me?" His blue eyes searched mine for the answer. I placed my hand on his and gave him a gentle look, "I do. But not in the same way as I love Hudson. If I were to have to choose between you two, it'd be him."

He closed his eyes and bowed his head, "I know." He whispered.

"Christian, these feelings still remain. But as time goes on, we'll both move on. They'll disappear and one day we won't even remember that we had them."

His hand held mine firmly as he ran his thumb along my knuckles, staring down at our hands. "Okay." Soon he let go of my hand and left the room, quietly shutting the door behind him and leaving me here alone.

It was true. Those feelings are still here, but I'm hoping that they'll dissipate for both Christian and I. The last thing I want is for him to be unhappy, because the truth is, I don't think I could make him happy. I have too many problems that keep me from being the one, for him anyway. Hudson and I are both screwed up enough to come together and become one. If I were to ever be with Christian, we would always remain two separate people. A broken one and a near perfect one.

Sighing, I got up and took my papers and notebook so I could go and begin packing up some last minute things before I left for the day. When I got into my office, I right away noticed an envelope on my keyboard. I furrowed my brow and sat down, taking it and opening it up.

After reading it, I folded it back up and buried my face in my hands. He was making this so hard.