Here With Me

February 22th, Friday

This week started off...awkward, maybe a little tense between Christian and I. We didn't exactly talk about...last week, because partly there was no time; I was hard at work finishing my article for Jann, which turned out pretty amazing, and partly because that sort of talk wasn't appropriate for the office, and the cameras all around. And going to the other's place was out of the question.

So we didn't talk about it. I acted as if nothing happened and he, even though I knew he wanted to, also pretended nothing happen.

But it was the day of the photo shoot, just a minor one, nothing as extravagant as what we do for the artists that grace the cover of the magazine, so I was in the ladies room changing into a different outfit for the shoot.

An intern knocked on the door, "Mrs. Hudson, Christian is ready for you."

I laughed and opened the door, "You can call me Avery." The girl was new, just like me when I first started long ago. She followed me into the studio where Christian was waiting for me. He smiled when he saw me but I just walked past him and took my place in front of the white background.

"Your hair is dark again." He smirked, looking through the lens and adjusting it.

"It's a temporary dye, found it at the drugstore. It washes right out. I wanted dark hair, I think I look best with dark hair." I smiled.

"You look good either way." He replied.

I just smiled.

He then walked up to me and reached out his hand, moving my hair. He then softly spoke, "I like your hair like this." He pulled it down, just so it grazed my eyebrow.

He then abruptly turned around and walked back to his camera. I shook my head, lightly laughing at his audacity.

He began snapping some pictures as I did some casual poses. While he was taking pictures, he asked the intern to go get him a coffee. After she left and shut the door behind her, it was only us in the room. He continued taking photos.

"Girls is on tonight. Is Hudson working late?" He asked, engrossed in the shoot.

"No." I replied. "He worked late last night...he and I and Amelia are going over to Gemma and Kennedy's to watch it together. Maybe order a pizza or something."

"Oh." He softly replied. My stomach was in knots again and made me frown and look down, he must've noticed so he stopped taking pictures and looked up at me. "I only wanna take the pictures of you smiling..." He stepped back from his camera and walked over to the door and pushed in the lock on the knob and slowly walked back till he was right in front of me.

"Christian." I sighed, looking away.

"Don't. Just don't say anything." He whispered, cupping my face and kissing me softly, lingering for a moment before giving me another kiss that was more passionate. His lips trembled as he used all the will that he had to pull himself away, but rested his forehead against mine. "I love you." He whispered.

I closed my eyes and shook my head, "We can't do this. I can't do this."

"Please, we can make it work. Just give this a chance." He held my shoulders in his hands.

I opened my eyes and looked up at his eyes that were filled with hope and honesty. The door shook and then there was a knock. "Hello? I think the door is locked." The girl called from the other side of the door.

He quickly looked at me and gave me a quick kiss, "Please just think about it. I know that somewhere in your heart you must feel the same way." He stepped back and paced to the door, opening it. "Sorry, this door locks on its own sometimes, or maybe you accidentally locked it on your way out. Thanks for the coffee." He took the cup and walked back to the camera and continued.

After the shoot and handing in my article to Jann, I got permission from him to leave work early. I grabbed my coat and left the office, not saying bye to anyone but Jann, and once I was in my car I tried to keep myself from breaking down and crying as I drove down to the Vogue office. Once I was there I reported myself to the receptionist and asked to see Gemma, and once I got the okay, I took the elevator up to the third floor where she worked.

"Avery." She smiled her signature red-lipped grin as I came into her office but it quickly faltered when she saw that I was falling apart at the seams. "Oh Avery, come in, sit down." She stood up and shut the door, quickly sitting with me on the sofa and putting her arms around me. "What's wrong?"

"It's Christian." I sobbed.

"Is it the same thing or something new?" She asked.

"Both...he kissed me again during the photo shoot. He keeps telling me he loves me and, and he wants me to give us a chance." I buried my face into my hands as she continued to hold me.

"Avery, do you think you're starting to have feelings for him?" She whispered. I sniffled and dried my tears with my sleeve and looked at her, all puffy and red-eyed. "It feels like it..."

She nodded and didn't say anything.

I stood up and walked across the room, taking a tissue and dabbing my eyes. I turned around and leaned against her desk, "I love Hudson. You know that. Everyone knows that...I play back the memory of when we first met everyday, and when he took me for a ride on his motorcycle, and our first kiss, and the hospital, and our first fight, and everything. I love him...I can't imagine life without him...but why am I being so stupid, why am I doing this? Why am I feeling this way?"

She stared at me softly from the couch, giving me the same sweet look my mom always gives me. "These things happen Avery, we can't control them. Now think about it, you know how I feel when I watch a Ryan Gosling movie or even just see an image of him and I claim I love him and I'm willing to die for him? Well that's an irrational and most of the time unrealistic feeling. I wouldn't actually die for him. For Kennedy I would. I would do anything for him. Now think about Christian. Would you die for him? Would you cross oceans of time to be with him? What about Hudson? Now compare them. This feeling you have for Christian is a crush. I work in the freakin' fashion industry, I am surrounded by male models from time to time and I'm not gonna lie, I check them out and maybe fantasize about 'em, but at the end of the day, I come home to the only man I ever want to be with; Kennedy. I'm sure you feel the same way about Hudson. Don't read to much into this Ave, we all have crushes from time to time."

I looked at her, feeling tears welling up again as I walked back to her and hugged her hard. "I hope this is all that it is...I don't want these feelings anymore."

"They'll pass. I promise you." She comforted me.

"Gem, you're such an amazing friend. Thanks for always being here for me." I smiled, again wiping the tears from my eyes.

She smiled back and held my hand. "I know." She started to laugh, making me laugh right along with her. I sighed and shook my head, "I'm dreading going back to work on Monday."

"You know what babe? You should come work here, at Vogue, with me. We'll have so much fun." She grinned.

I lightly laughed. "Gem, you know I know nothing about fashion. I mean, look at me." I gestured to my clothing. "Thrift shop chic."

She giggled. "I think you look amazing. Consider it, we can always use a fresh face around here."

"I'll think about it." I half-smiled, still not wanting to go back to work.

Later that day, at Gem and Kennedy's place, Hudson and I were cuddling on the couch as he made me laugh, tickling me as he kissed my neck over and over again. He stopped and looked at me for a moment, "You know what I was thinking of doing?"

"Hm?" I murmured.

"Getting a tattoo." He grinned.

My expression quickly grew to surprise and excitement. "What?! No way! That's so cool, what were you thinking of getting?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know, I just thought it'd be cool to get something. I mean, I always look at yours and think, that's so cool. I want one now." He laughed.

I sat in his lap and wrapped my arms around him, kissing him. "I am so excited! My man's finally getting inked."

He smiled and gazed at me for a moment, gently stroking my hair. I gazed back and smiled softly, "You know what I think we should do?"

"Should we really be talking about that here?" He whispered, giving me a goofy smile. I laughed and rolled my eyes, "Well that's a good idea too, but no, I was thinking we should take a trip."

He quickly smiled, becoming serious. "Yeah, I'd love that. I think we're due for a trip. Where to?"

"Well, I've never been to Paris..."

"Paris would be great, oh the food is spectacular and you'll just absolutely love France. It's really great!" He grinned, kissing my cheek. "Darling, let's go now. Let's run away to Paris."

I smiled back, "I'd love to. But not now, maybe in a month or so, Jann still has a tight leash on me since we came back from Italy. I was thinking maybe for your birthday, it's coming up soon, March 26th."

"Okay, but nevertheless I can't wait to travel more with you. You should just take your work with you, while we're on the beaches or hiking on mountains, skydiving, and trekking through the jungle." He laughed.

I just smiled and wrapped my arms around him as Gemma and Ken came into the room, setting snacks down on the coffee table and soon after the doorbell rang, the pizza was here. With the lights dimmed low, we watch the new episode of Girls, One Man's Trash. The whole time I couldn't help but think about my day and Christian. This episode didn't help either and I realized that I had much more in common with Hannah than what my friends have told me.

I wiped away a tear that had run down my cheek before anyone could see.