If You Gave Me The Chance

The small white corridor had been quiet for quite sometime now. I put my bare right foot through the doorway into the hall and peeked around to find no one. The nightly nurse wasn't at her post and nobody else was awake. I easied the door open just enough to fit the rest of my body out into the hall. I gently closed my door behind me and began down the hallway. The only sound to be heard were the steps I took on the cold hosptial floor. I kept an eye out on my surroundings to make sure no one would catch me out of my room. I only wanted to go get some fresh air for the first time in a couple weeks.
I made it down the hall and to the door with no problem. I quickly pushed against the handle and peeked my head out into the night. The cold air quickly rushed over me and I enhaled as deep as I could to feel the cool air rush down my wind pipe and fill my lungs. I relased the air slowly and then looked around. Nothing but an almost empty parking lot with large lights at each isle.
Now that I was here what was I going to do. Part of my mind was urging me to run while the other part was telling me to just head back to my room before I get caught. I just stood there for a moment in wonder before I came to my senses and began back toward my room. As I passed rooms I could see the others sleeping, some I knew and some I hadn't seen before, excpet one.
I looked into a room that had a dark haired boy who was awake. He was looking toward the hall and we caught eyes for the moment and I stopped there just looking at him in realization of what he was doing. He was scratching his arm and making himself bleed. I ran to my room in horror. His room was two away from my own but I had never seen him before. Not even in group therapy or anything. I went into my room and laid myself in my bed wondering how he must have thought of me as I walked past. I wonder what he was thinking about and why he was hurting himself. I wondered if he knew that he would get in trouble with the nurses once they found out. Most of all I wondered why I cared so much. I was in a daze of questions until I finally fell into sleep.
The morning light shining through my window into my face was what woke me. I fluttered my eyelids as my eyes adjusted to the bright light and I found that my breakfest was on my nightstand already. I just looked at it for a moment and decided against eating it. I'll eat some other meal time but I just didn't have the stomach for it at the moment. Last night was playing over and over in my head. Seeing the blood riasing to the surface of that boys skin was haunting me. I went quickly to the bathroom to get ready for morning therapy by taking a quick shower and brushing my teeth. I slipped on my usual skinny jeans and a band tshirt before I left my bathroom and went back to my bed where I would wait until a nurse came into tell me it was my time for thearpy. I distracted myself with mindless tv until the nurse knocked at my door.
"Alex? Are you ready darling?" the nurse spoke as she walked into my room.
"Yes, I'm ready." I gave her a quick smile and went toward the door.
"wait, Alex, why haven't you eaten anything?" She asked holding the tray.
"I just didn't have the stomach for it this morning but I'll eat later. I promise." I said truthfully and then left down the hall toward the therapy room.
As I passed that boys room I couldn't help but look in the small window to see him again. Yet when I looked he wasn't in his room. Maybe he was in the bathroom, maybe he was in therapy, maybe I should just stop wondering so much. I arrived at the door and knocked quietly for a responce.
"You may come in!" Dr. Davenport called through the door to me. I pushed on the handle and entered hell.
"Morning Alex." Dr. Davenport said with no feelings behind the words as usual.
"Morning." I said polietly.
"So how are you this morning Alex?" He asked me running his hand through his graying light brown hair. I looked around for a second trying to gather my answer.
"I'm alright." I said in honesty. I was okay, my mind was a bit confused and I was a bit worried but overall I was personally okay.
"Have you wanted to cut recently?" He asked but wasn't even looking at me. He kept his eyes down on the notepad in front of him. That dark hair boy flashed in my mind.
"No." I said coldly. I hated being questioned but this is what I deserve for what I did.
"I have to ask these questions, Alex, or else we might have another issue." He stressed the last word trying to hint at something I already knew. I reached up to my neck and ran my hand over the long scar from where I tried to take my life a few weeks back. I regret it not working, I regret the last minute descion to try to save myself, and I regret living on after that.
"We won't." I promised Dr. Davenport that. "Anything else?"
"No, Alex, I'll see you in group later?" He asked and I just nodded and quickly existed the room. On my way back I glanced into the dark hair boy's room and this time he was there. He was intently watching his tv and didn't notice me. I passed as quickly as I could because I didn't want to cause him to notice me.
When I got back into my room I went to the bathroom just to look in the mirror. I looked into the mirror to see my wavey blonde hair, my brown eyes and my bushy eyebrows.
"I wish they'd let me use my straightener." I sighed and left the bathroom to go to my bed. I sat in my bed and opened my nightstand draw to get the notepad and the pen within.
I began to write, I was a songwriter, it helped me a lot when trying to get my feelings out. I worked on my writing until a knock at my room reminded me I had group to go to. I pushed the notebook and pen back into the draw and went to group. This time that I passed the boy's room I didn't look in because I was trying to convice myself that I didn't care. Even though I knew I was lying to myself.
The room for group was a larger off-white room filled with turquoise chairs. Their was already some others waiting but the room wasn't near full yet so I sat in a chair away from them. Not that I didn't like them or anything but I avoided unnessary conversation when I could. Once the room was filled Dr. Moore came in.
Dr. Moore was my favourite. She was a beautiful woman in her late 30's with sharp features and long dark brown hair that framed her face and complemented her bright eyes well. She was the first doctor I talked to when I got here but I haven't had her since. I didn't complian because i wasn't the type of person but I wish I had her instead of Dr. Davenport.
"So who would like to start?" I quickly looked around the room for the dark haired boy from down the hall but he wasn't there. 'Not that I care' I told myself once again lying.
I actually felt disappointed that he wasn't there. I had so many questions that could have been answered here and now tyen I could stop asking myself all these stupid questions. The others began to talk and I wasn't really paying much attention till the door handle made noise and it grabbed my focus to look up at the dark haired boy walking in.
"Hello Jack." Dr. Moore said to the boy as he took a seat.
'Jack' I said in my mind as I now had a name for him. I looked over at the boy sitting across the room from me as he kept his head down just looking at his hands or so I thought. He was actually looking at the bandages on his arm from where he had scratched himself the night before. I stared at him from across the room because he captivated my interest. I wanted to know about him.
"Jack." Dr. Moore called to him. "would you like to tell the group about yourself?" He looked up and looked to Dr. Moore uncomfortably.
"Uhh. Sure. Well my name is Jack and well I selfharm and have a eating disorder." His voice filled with pain and his voice seemed caught in his throat as if he was choking on the words. He looked at this hands until he looked up right at me. Our eyes caught for the moment and my heart stopped I had to look away from him. He didn't seem to want to say anything more than that.
"Thank you Jack for opening up." Dr. Moore said and then she ended group. "See everyone tomorrow."