What's the Point of Being in Love?

We were currently in Bergettstown, Pennsylvania, four days later.

“Hey, Cayne.”

I smiled at Alex, who had just walked up. His hands were balls deep in his pockets.

“Hey, Alex,” I said casually, turning back to the fan and quickly signing her paper. “Thanks for supporting us, Maye,” I said to her.

“Of course!” she grinned and turned to talk to Emmie, who was helping sell merch.

“What’s up?” I turned back around to Alex.

“You wanna chill?” he asked. “I mean, we both finished our sets and stuff…”

I nodded my head, “Sure.”

Together we walked away from the people to where we were just down the line of busses. The silence between us was comfortable as the hot summer sun shone down on our backs.

“So, what’s up?” I asked Alex. He shrugged simply. “Ooookaaaaaay.”

Alex chuckled. I smiled at the sound of his voice.

We stopped outside a random bus. I leaned against the front and propped my sunglasses up on my head.

“So, three more weeks of tour,” he said.

I added it up in my head. “Yeah, guess so,” I said finally. I hadn’t really realized it ‘till then.

“You had fun?” he asked. I nodded.

“Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I love touring,” I told him.

Alex smiled a little, “Me too.”

“The past month went by real fast,” I said, brushing my bangs from my eyes.

“It did,” Alex agreed.

I pressed my lips together. The silence went from comfortable to awkward.

“Lisa called me,” Alex said suddenly.

I raised my eyebrows, “She did?”

Alex nodded.

“What’d she say?”

“She said she’s sorry,” Alex sighed. “She said she misses me and she wants to start over.”

“And you said?”

Alex licked his lips, “She always fucking does this. She starts fights and then begs for me back.”

I bit my lip at the dejected look on his face.

“I told her she can go fuck herself. Then she started crying – I mean, can you believe that, crying – and told me I’m the best thing that ever happened to her and she’s sorry.”

I rubbed my arm uncomfortably.

Alex ran his hands through his hair furiously. “So I of course become sympathetic and tell her that I’m just so tired of everything, and I couldn’t do it anymore. So she promises – like she always does – that’ll she’ll change. That she can’t lose me.”

The sun gleamed off his sunglasses, which probably hid tears forming.

“So I get mad, and start yelling that she always promises and never does. How nothing ever changes. How no matter what we say to change the relationship, it never will.”

Alex looks at me.

“Cayne, why are you crying?”

I didn’t realize it until he said it, but I was.

Alex saying those things was like a punch in the gut.

Hearing him say those things made me think of how Peyton felt when I did the same damn thing.

I wiped at my eyes, “I’m fine.”

Alex reached over and pulled me into his arms. “Don’t lie to me, Candy Cayne.”

His warm touch caused me to smile despite myself.

“It’s just it made me realize how it feels like to be on the other end of that,” I admitted. “I never could think of how Peyton feels with the situation.”

Alex didn’t talk. He only hugged me.

A little while after we pulled away and just stood across from each other. I bit my lip.

“After Peyton and I broke up…”

I didn’t know why I was saying it. I always did. At random points I’d ramble off Peyton and I’s relationship to Alex, and I had no idea why.

Alex looked at me, opting me to continue.

“After Peyton and I broke up, and I got out of the hospital, I started drinking and partying and sleeping with random guys. I did LSD and popped pills and shrooms and Ecstasy. I even snorted cocaine. Just once, though.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “The band almost broke up because of it.”

“How’d you stop?” Alex asked.

“It was after I slept with Brynn that I realized what I had become,” I told him honestly.

“You slept with Brynn?” Alex gaped at me.

I nodded, “Yeah. We got drunk at a party and had sex upstairs. He’s always been a player. In the morning it was awkward but we agreed to put it past us.”

“And after that you just…stopped?” Alex asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, “It was hard. I missed the feelings everything used to give me. But I got over it, eventually. My worst fear, though, is that I’m going to go back into the life I once had. With every drink I have I worry that I’m going to wake up in some guys bed. If someone brings out some kind of prescription pill, I have to literally hurt myself to keep from doing anything.”

Alex wrapped me in a hug. Again, he didn’t apologize. Whenever I spoke of my hardships, he never apologized.

And that’s what I love most about him.

I almost choked when the thought flitted through my head.

No. I can’t love him. I can’t love Alex. I can’t love.

Alex pulled away and looked at the expression that had crossed my face. “What’s wrong?”

I coughed and shook my head, “Nothing.”

Alex quirked a brow, “You sure?”

I nodded my head, hair flinging everywhere. “I’m absolutely, positutley, undeniably sure.

Alex chuckled, his shoulders shaking along with the beautiful sound. “Good.”