My Miserable Romance
Conversations with myself.
-One week later-
We were in our studio, recording the last songs off the album. I felt terrible, as always. Tired, grumpy, hungry and confused. Toro and Bob were talking about changing one of the solos, Frank was tuning his guitar, Mikey was talking to Brian, our manager, and I was sitting on a chair with my head in my hands. Brian walked passed me and ruffled up my hair. I groaned and shifted my position in the chair.
"What's up?" He asked me. I shrugged and he walked over to Frank. Frank stopped tuning his guitar and smiled at him.
"Hellu, mister" Frank said and patted on the chair next to him. Brian sat down and they started talking. I tried to ignore them, I just wanted to sleep, but I couldnt stop listening when I heard Lisa's name.
"How's things going between you and Lisa?" Brian asked Frank, who beamed.
"Great! I actually have been thinking about proposing to her"
"Oh, its that serious, ey?" Brian laughed and punched Frank friendly on his arm. Frank nodded and smiled like an idiot. My idiot.. Not Lisa's!
"You're proposing?!" I asked him and tried not ot sound mad about it, just surprised.
"Yeah, isnt it great? We can get married right after the tour!"
I gave him a smile, wich probably looked like a terrible grin, but I didnt care. He's gonna marry that bitch... `For fuck's sake, Gee, she's not a bitch!´ A small voice in my head said. `She's a nice person and Frank loves her.´
Note to self: stop having conversations with myself.
I sighed and went over to Mikey, who signed for me to go in to the sound-isolated room where I was gonna do my vocals. I nodded and walked in. I hated this, it made me feel claustrophobic... The michrophone was hanging down from the ceiling and I steped up behind it. I watched Mikey thorugh the big window, waiting for him to sign for me to start. I just realized that I didnt have a clue of what song we were recording and I gave him a questioned look. He didnt understand what I meant, and I desperatly tried to remember what Ray and Bob told me in the car, but my memory was gone. Suddenly I noticed Frank, who was holding up a piece of paper for me to read. It was the lyrics for Vampires will never hurt you. I sighed of relief and blew him a kiss. He laughed at me and went back to his guitar. Brian looked at me to see if I was ready, and thank God, I was, thanks to Frank. Brian hates when you're not totally aware of what you're suppose to do, wich I nearly never was, so I didnt want him to be mad at me today. I have other things to worry about...
Brian held up three fingers and counted down.
"And if they get me and the sun goes-" I started to sing, but Brian cut me off. He pressed on of the 1000 of buttons, and his voice filled the small room.
"You sound like a cat on ecstasy, Gerard. Try again. And I want you to mean what you're singing, okay?"
I nodded.
"And if they get me and the sun goes down into the ground... And if they get me take this spike-"
Once again, he cut me off.
"Gerard, seriously, whats wrong with you today? Concentrate! Clear your mind, do not think of anything else than what your singing" Brian said and I could tell that he was a bit irritated. I started massaging my forehead. God, I hate this.. All I can think about is to not look at Frank, how the hell am I suppose to sing about some freakin' vampires!? I looked at Frank, who gave me a supportive smile. My eyes wandered down to his guitar, wich was leaning against his crotch... I would do anything to be his guitar right now.
Someone knocked on the glass in front of me and I took a step back by surprise. Brian signed with his hand for me to get out. I did as he said and he looked at me.
"Gerard, is there something wrong?"
"Mm.. Yeah" I sighed. This was it. I cant do this anymore. I cant stop thinking about Frank in that sick way... I work with him, I hang out with him, and in just a few months Im gonna live with him on a tourbus. And he's gonna propose to his girlfriend. Who he's very happy with. Dammit.
"Tell me"
"I wanna..." I cleared my throat. "I wanna quit the band"
There was a awkward silence, but then Mikey walked up to me and slapped me.
"Ow! What was that for?!" I asked him while rubbing my burning cheek.
"You cannot leave something that you started! You were the one who created this whole fucking band and now you're telling us that you're gonna leave?!" He yelled at me.
"But you'll be fine without me... Ray or Frank can sing instead of me" my heart skipped a beat when I said Franks name. Jeeze.
"It's not about who's gonna replace your vocals, it's about replacing you. You cant leave us when we're just about to release our first album! We need you, and not just cause you're the vocalist, we need your support as well. Why do you wanna leave?"
"Uh..." Oh shit. I cant tell them. I wont tell them. "It's my drinking... I cant go on tour and be fucking wasted every night, Mikey." It was almost true.
"Stop drinking, then! We're here for you, we'll help you!" He said and took my hand.
"I cant stop drinking. If I could, I would've done it a long time ago"
"Well, you're not leaving the band just cause of that"
"That's not really up for you to decide, hu?" I said and turned away from him, where I found Ray.
"We cant do this without you, Gee" he said sadly. "If you're leaving, Im leaving"
Crap.
"See? You're not just letting down the band, you're actually splitting it" Mikey said. I sighed and walked over to a chair, but when I noticed that Frank was right next to it, I turned around again.
"Okay, okay... Im not leaving, happy?"
"Yeaah!" Mikey exclaimed and jumped up on me.
"But I'll probably be drunk all the time, and I dont wanna hear anyone complain about it!"
"You will not be drunk all the time, cause there will be no alcohol in the same bus as Im gonna spend two months in" I heard a voice say behind me. I turned around and saw Frank glaring at me.
Frank didnt drink, and he hated people who did... Ah! He hates me! His parents died in a car crash, cause another person, a drunk person, smashed into their car and killed them both two years ago.
"Then I'll just have to go outside and drink" I said. He muttered something, but Brian pulled me away and threw me into the sound-isolated room again.
"Sing" he simply said and closed the door. Okay, focus...
-Two hours later-
We were done for the day. My voice was destroyed and whenever I spoke it just came out as a hoarse hiss. Brian forced me into sing the song 14 times until he was satisfied. I sat down in the car with Mikey and Frank on each side of me. Bob was driving and Ray sat next to him in the passenger seat. I bend over the back support, where I knew that there was beer, and hauled up one.
Frank gave me a murderous look, but I ignored it. I needed somthing to drink, god damn it! I have been sining nonestop for the last two hours. I felt my body relax as the beer ran down my throat, I love this feeling...
I felt a sudden urge to walk. I wanted to leave the car, leave the guys, leave Frank, and just be alone.
"Hey, Bob? Could you just stop the car?"
"Can you wait a minute? We're in the middle of the motorway"
I groaned a `yeah´, and leaned on Mikeys shoulder.
"Get off, Im tired"
Well fuck off, so am I, but I dont complain about it. Gah, I just wanna have something to sleep on... I leaned my neck backwards to the back support, wich was terribly uncomfortable. Frank pulled me over to him, so that I was leaning my head against his chest. He grinned at me when I jolted away from him.
"I wont bite'ya. Come on, put your head on my shoulder so that I can use it as a pillow"
I hesitated for a moment, but thought that it was better to act normal about it, other wise he would just get suspicious.
I felt his breath in my ear as I put my head on his shoulder. This was nice...
"Gee, you still want me to stop the car?" Bob asked me. Once again, I jolted away from Frank, who pouted at me.
"Uh, yeah"
"You're so mean... My human pillow is gonna leave me all alone!" Frank cried dramaticly. Mikey swung out his hand to hit him to make him shut up, but I quickly covered Frank with my arm, making Mikey hit my arm instead of Franks head.
Mikey gave me a weird look and I blushed.
"Oh, why thank you, my handsome rescuer!" Frank laughed.
"You're welcome, my fair lady" I giggled and stepped out of the car. He made an attempt to hit me, but he was too slow. I was already out of the car.
"See ya guys later!" I said and slammed the door. Im thirsty... "Hey, Mikey, could you get me a beer?" I opened the cardoor and looked at Mikey. He bend over and handed me one, but Frank jumped up and took it away just as I was about to take it from Mikey.
"No drinking" he said and put it back.
"Then Im not walking"
I climbed in to the car again and 'accidentaly' sat down on Franks hand. What the hell am I doing? He has got a girlfriend. And he's my best friend. And it would just be wrong. And I dont care. He smirked at me while he pulled away his hand from underneath my ass. Feels good...
Bob started driving again and I sighed deeply. Great, Im stuck in a car with the sexiest man on Earth, my exhausted brother and Ray and Bob, who's singing along with the radio. This is gonna be a long ride. Oh, I could always try and get some sleep, though. Or not... Frank likes to mess with people who's sleeping. Mikey's in big trouble.. He's sleeping with his face drooling on the window, while Frank is leaning over me, trying to poke Mikey.
I could see Franks skin under his shirt when he leaned over to Mikey, and I couldnt stop myself. I need to touch him. Feel his skin...
"WAH! What are you doing?" Frank asked me with shock in his eyes. Wops.
"Im.. Im... Im tickeling you!" I exclaimed and started to tickle him on his stomach. He squealed and started giggling. I let my hands feel his stomach, his warm skin, his belly button, his ribs. Oh God, what am I doing?!
I stopped tickeling him and he panted for air.
"We're home" Bob announced and I quickly climbed out of the car. My whole body was shaking, like I just had ran a fucking marathon. I looked at my hands, my hands who had touched him, felt his skin and they were shaking like crazy. I put them in my pockets and waited for the others to get out of the car. Mikey groaned as Frank woke him up, but got out of the car and pulled up the keys to our appartment.
We all went inside and I sneaked into my room. I sat down on the bed and glanced at myself in the mirror. Im so damn ugly... Long, black, dirty hair, pale skin, tired, boring eyes and a fat, chubby stomach.
Not at all like him, with his black, thick hair with a red streak, big, beautiful eyes, spotless skin and perfect body. Even if he was gay he wouldnt like me. I decided to join the others, even though I just wanted to be alone right now.
"Where's Frank?" I asked them. I searched the room with my eyes, but couldnt find him.
"He's with Lisa. She called him on his cellphone and wanted him to come over" Bob explained.
Bitch.
"Oh, okay. Well, Im gonna go and... uh, read"
I walked into my room again. He left without saying good bye to me. That's so mean.
We were in our studio, recording the last songs off the album. I felt terrible, as always. Tired, grumpy, hungry and confused. Toro and Bob were talking about changing one of the solos, Frank was tuning his guitar, Mikey was talking to Brian, our manager, and I was sitting on a chair with my head in my hands. Brian walked passed me and ruffled up my hair. I groaned and shifted my position in the chair.
"What's up?" He asked me. I shrugged and he walked over to Frank. Frank stopped tuning his guitar and smiled at him.
"Hellu, mister" Frank said and patted on the chair next to him. Brian sat down and they started talking. I tried to ignore them, I just wanted to sleep, but I couldnt stop listening when I heard Lisa's name.
"How's things going between you and Lisa?" Brian asked Frank, who beamed.
"Great! I actually have been thinking about proposing to her"
"Oh, its that serious, ey?" Brian laughed and punched Frank friendly on his arm. Frank nodded and smiled like an idiot. My idiot.. Not Lisa's!
"You're proposing?!" I asked him and tried not ot sound mad about it, just surprised.
"Yeah, isnt it great? We can get married right after the tour!"
I gave him a smile, wich probably looked like a terrible grin, but I didnt care. He's gonna marry that bitch... `For fuck's sake, Gee, she's not a bitch!´ A small voice in my head said. `She's a nice person and Frank loves her.´
Note to self: stop having conversations with myself.
I sighed and went over to Mikey, who signed for me to go in to the sound-isolated room where I was gonna do my vocals. I nodded and walked in. I hated this, it made me feel claustrophobic... The michrophone was hanging down from the ceiling and I steped up behind it. I watched Mikey thorugh the big window, waiting for him to sign for me to start. I just realized that I didnt have a clue of what song we were recording and I gave him a questioned look. He didnt understand what I meant, and I desperatly tried to remember what Ray and Bob told me in the car, but my memory was gone. Suddenly I noticed Frank, who was holding up a piece of paper for me to read. It was the lyrics for Vampires will never hurt you. I sighed of relief and blew him a kiss. He laughed at me and went back to his guitar. Brian looked at me to see if I was ready, and thank God, I was, thanks to Frank. Brian hates when you're not totally aware of what you're suppose to do, wich I nearly never was, so I didnt want him to be mad at me today. I have other things to worry about...
Brian held up three fingers and counted down.
"And if they get me and the sun goes-" I started to sing, but Brian cut me off. He pressed on of the 1000 of buttons, and his voice filled the small room.
"You sound like a cat on ecstasy, Gerard. Try again. And I want you to mean what you're singing, okay?"
I nodded.
"And if they get me and the sun goes down into the ground... And if they get me take this spike-"
Once again, he cut me off.
"Gerard, seriously, whats wrong with you today? Concentrate! Clear your mind, do not think of anything else than what your singing" Brian said and I could tell that he was a bit irritated. I started massaging my forehead. God, I hate this.. All I can think about is to not look at Frank, how the hell am I suppose to sing about some freakin' vampires!? I looked at Frank, who gave me a supportive smile. My eyes wandered down to his guitar, wich was leaning against his crotch... I would do anything to be his guitar right now.
Someone knocked on the glass in front of me and I took a step back by surprise. Brian signed with his hand for me to get out. I did as he said and he looked at me.
"Gerard, is there something wrong?"
"Mm.. Yeah" I sighed. This was it. I cant do this anymore. I cant stop thinking about Frank in that sick way... I work with him, I hang out with him, and in just a few months Im gonna live with him on a tourbus. And he's gonna propose to his girlfriend. Who he's very happy with. Dammit.
"Tell me"
"I wanna..." I cleared my throat. "I wanna quit the band"
There was a awkward silence, but then Mikey walked up to me and slapped me.
"Ow! What was that for?!" I asked him while rubbing my burning cheek.
"You cannot leave something that you started! You were the one who created this whole fucking band and now you're telling us that you're gonna leave?!" He yelled at me.
"But you'll be fine without me... Ray or Frank can sing instead of me" my heart skipped a beat when I said Franks name. Jeeze.
"It's not about who's gonna replace your vocals, it's about replacing you. You cant leave us when we're just about to release our first album! We need you, and not just cause you're the vocalist, we need your support as well. Why do you wanna leave?"
"Uh..." Oh shit. I cant tell them. I wont tell them. "It's my drinking... I cant go on tour and be fucking wasted every night, Mikey." It was almost true.
"Stop drinking, then! We're here for you, we'll help you!" He said and took my hand.
"I cant stop drinking. If I could, I would've done it a long time ago"
"Well, you're not leaving the band just cause of that"
"That's not really up for you to decide, hu?" I said and turned away from him, where I found Ray.
"We cant do this without you, Gee" he said sadly. "If you're leaving, Im leaving"
Crap.
"See? You're not just letting down the band, you're actually splitting it" Mikey said. I sighed and walked over to a chair, but when I noticed that Frank was right next to it, I turned around again.
"Okay, okay... Im not leaving, happy?"
"Yeaah!" Mikey exclaimed and jumped up on me.
"But I'll probably be drunk all the time, and I dont wanna hear anyone complain about it!"
"You will not be drunk all the time, cause there will be no alcohol in the same bus as Im gonna spend two months in" I heard a voice say behind me. I turned around and saw Frank glaring at me.
Frank didnt drink, and he hated people who did... Ah! He hates me! His parents died in a car crash, cause another person, a drunk person, smashed into their car and killed them both two years ago.
"Then I'll just have to go outside and drink" I said. He muttered something, but Brian pulled me away and threw me into the sound-isolated room again.
"Sing" he simply said and closed the door. Okay, focus...
-Two hours later-
We were done for the day. My voice was destroyed and whenever I spoke it just came out as a hoarse hiss. Brian forced me into sing the song 14 times until he was satisfied. I sat down in the car with Mikey and Frank on each side of me. Bob was driving and Ray sat next to him in the passenger seat. I bend over the back support, where I knew that there was beer, and hauled up one.
Frank gave me a murderous look, but I ignored it. I needed somthing to drink, god damn it! I have been sining nonestop for the last two hours. I felt my body relax as the beer ran down my throat, I love this feeling...
I felt a sudden urge to walk. I wanted to leave the car, leave the guys, leave Frank, and just be alone.
"Hey, Bob? Could you just stop the car?"
"Can you wait a minute? We're in the middle of the motorway"
I groaned a `yeah´, and leaned on Mikeys shoulder.
"Get off, Im tired"
Well fuck off, so am I, but I dont complain about it. Gah, I just wanna have something to sleep on... I leaned my neck backwards to the back support, wich was terribly uncomfortable. Frank pulled me over to him, so that I was leaning my head against his chest. He grinned at me when I jolted away from him.
"I wont bite'ya. Come on, put your head on my shoulder so that I can use it as a pillow"
I hesitated for a moment, but thought that it was better to act normal about it, other wise he would just get suspicious.
I felt his breath in my ear as I put my head on his shoulder. This was nice...
"Gee, you still want me to stop the car?" Bob asked me. Once again, I jolted away from Frank, who pouted at me.
"Uh, yeah"
"You're so mean... My human pillow is gonna leave me all alone!" Frank cried dramaticly. Mikey swung out his hand to hit him to make him shut up, but I quickly covered Frank with my arm, making Mikey hit my arm instead of Franks head.
Mikey gave me a weird look and I blushed.
"Oh, why thank you, my handsome rescuer!" Frank laughed.
"You're welcome, my fair lady" I giggled and stepped out of the car. He made an attempt to hit me, but he was too slow. I was already out of the car.
"See ya guys later!" I said and slammed the door. Im thirsty... "Hey, Mikey, could you get me a beer?" I opened the cardoor and looked at Mikey. He bend over and handed me one, but Frank jumped up and took it away just as I was about to take it from Mikey.
"No drinking" he said and put it back.
"Then Im not walking"
I climbed in to the car again and 'accidentaly' sat down on Franks hand. What the hell am I doing? He has got a girlfriend. And he's my best friend. And it would just be wrong. And I dont care. He smirked at me while he pulled away his hand from underneath my ass. Feels good...
Bob started driving again and I sighed deeply. Great, Im stuck in a car with the sexiest man on Earth, my exhausted brother and Ray and Bob, who's singing along with the radio. This is gonna be a long ride. Oh, I could always try and get some sleep, though. Or not... Frank likes to mess with people who's sleeping. Mikey's in big trouble.. He's sleeping with his face drooling on the window, while Frank is leaning over me, trying to poke Mikey.
I could see Franks skin under his shirt when he leaned over to Mikey, and I couldnt stop myself. I need to touch him. Feel his skin...
"WAH! What are you doing?" Frank asked me with shock in his eyes. Wops.
"Im.. Im... Im tickeling you!" I exclaimed and started to tickle him on his stomach. He squealed and started giggling. I let my hands feel his stomach, his warm skin, his belly button, his ribs. Oh God, what am I doing?!
I stopped tickeling him and he panted for air.
"We're home" Bob announced and I quickly climbed out of the car. My whole body was shaking, like I just had ran a fucking marathon. I looked at my hands, my hands who had touched him, felt his skin and they were shaking like crazy. I put them in my pockets and waited for the others to get out of the car. Mikey groaned as Frank woke him up, but got out of the car and pulled up the keys to our appartment.
We all went inside and I sneaked into my room. I sat down on the bed and glanced at myself in the mirror. Im so damn ugly... Long, black, dirty hair, pale skin, tired, boring eyes and a fat, chubby stomach.
Not at all like him, with his black, thick hair with a red streak, big, beautiful eyes, spotless skin and perfect body. Even if he was gay he wouldnt like me. I decided to join the others, even though I just wanted to be alone right now.
"Where's Frank?" I asked them. I searched the room with my eyes, but couldnt find him.
"He's with Lisa. She called him on his cellphone and wanted him to come over" Bob explained.
Bitch.
"Oh, okay. Well, Im gonna go and... uh, read"
I walked into my room again. He left without saying good bye to me. That's so mean.