My Miserable Romance

I might have tuberculosis. Just fucking say it; I might have tuberculosis.

The guys were waiting for me to tell them my 'big news'. Mikey was the only one who knew about it. It's five stupid words that I have to say, it shouldnt be so hard... I glanced at Frank, who was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall in lack of chairs and couches. He gave me a smile and I weakly smiled back. He wasnt mad at me, I wasnt mad at him and we were all great and I wanted to kill myself for messing things up, again. I knew they would all understand that it's not my fault that I got the fucking disease, but still... It didnt feel right to give them such burden to carry, to know that one of their best friend, brother and boyfriend might have a deadly disease. I might have tuberculosis. Just. Fucking. Say. It.

"Gee, you okay?" Bob asked worridly as I kept opening my mouth without saying anything.
"Well, no" I sighed and gave Mikey a pleadingly look, but he shook his head which meant that he thought that I had to do this on my own. "The thing is that... erh..."

To my happiness, Frank came up and stood next to me, having his arm supportingly around my waist. My adorable Frankie... I love him so much.
"I... I might have..." I started and cleared my throat. "Tuberculosis"
Silence.

They all looked at me in disbelief, like I just said that pigs can fly. I looked up in the ceiling cause the last thing I needed right now was to look any of them in the eyes. I felt Frank slip away from me, which I totally understood. To have your arm around someone with tuberculosis isnt the best thing to do. The silence was beginning to feel awkward.

"I'm not sure, but... apparently, I have all the symptoms for it" I added quietly, but no one said anything.
"But you... No" Ray said and even though his sentence didnt make sence, I knew what he meant.
"Shit, that's- I dont know what to say" Bob mumbled and I finally allowed myself to look at them. They had tears in their eyes and I felt guilty for making them upset.
"I'm sorry" I said and all of a sudden, someone punched me on the arm. "Ow!"
"Don't apologize, dipshit!" Frank exclaimed and wrapped his arms around my neck.
"Baby, I really dont want you to be near me right now" I mumbled sadly but he just moved even closer to me.
"You don't have tuberculosis. People die because of that disease and you can't die which means that you dont have tuberculosis" he said matter of factly, trying to convince us all that he was right.
"Frankie, please don't make this even harder for him" Mikey said with a sigh.
"I'm not, I'm just stating the obvious"
"What makes you think that I cant die?" I asked and tried to push him away from me which didnt succeed.
"Cause... I... You cant" he mumbled and then let go of my neck. "And stop pushing me away. I wouldnt stay away from you even though you turned into a Micheal Jackson-clone"
"This has nothing to do with what you want, honey. I want you to stay away. I want you all to stay away from me" I said and turned to look at the guys too. "At least until I've talked to a doctor"
"I dont care what the other guys are gonna do, I wont-" Frank started.
"Look, I wont, I repeat, I wont let you get infected" I said severely and grabbed his wrists to make him stop hug me.

Something was moving behind his eyes, like I could see his brain through them and he fiercefully got out of my grip.
"I wont get infected, cause you dont have tuberculosis!" he exclaimed, desperatly wanting to convince me that he was right. "And if you have, I dont care if I get infected!"
"But I care"
"You care too much"'
"No I dont" I mumbled.
"Okay, maybe you dont... But I'm fucking serious, I wont stay away from you"
"You better pray that I wont have tuberculosis then, cause I will not spend the rest of the day trying to push you away from me" I said and he threw himself in my arms as he realized that I just allowed him to hug me. His jump sent us straight down to the floor and I whimpered as my soar body took the hit.
"Didnt your mama
teach you not to tackle sick people?" I laughed as I saw his worried face.
"No... Why would she teach me that?"
"No reason. But you should really think about it"
He gave me a confused look before helping me up from the floor.
"You are insane, Frankie... Gee just told you he has a deadly disease and you act like you dont care" Ray said and I didnt know if he was joking or not.
"Might have" I corrected.
"No you dont" Frank interrupted.
"I said; might"
"Well, you dont 'might' have it either. And I do care, but I have nothing to care about"
"You have me to care about"
"But you're not sick"
"You dont know that"
"Okay, fine. Lets say that you're sick. Let's say that you're dying. What difference does it make? Do you really wanna spend the few days you have left without me?"
"I didnt say that. But I don't wanna die with the knowledge that you'll die any time soon because of me"
"So you want me to live the rest of my life without you?"
"Yes?"
"You're so selfish!"
"Am not!"
"Are so! You can't just die and leave me all alone!"
"Gosh, you're right, I'm so sorry that you're not dying too" I said sarcstically and he gave me an apologizingly smile.
"I still think you're selfish"
"For not wanting you to get sick?"
"No... You know what I mean"
"Guys, I know you're not really fighting, but could you please shut the fuck up and let us grieve for a moment?" Bob yelled and Frank and I started laughing.
"Fine Bobby. Let's grieve" I chuckled and sat down on the floor with my back against the wall where Frank had been sitting before. I know I shouldnt be so happy right now and I had no idea why I was, I mean, I could be dying... But I didnt feel sad at all. I had a wonderful boyfriend, great friends and the best job in the world. Why would I be sad?

"Cause you have to leave it all behind, dumbass" a voice in my head said. I frowned as I realized it was true. But hey, I might not even be sick!

Frank sat down next to me and the whole room fell into an uneasy silence. Well, it wasnt uneasy for the guys, but it was for me. I knew that they were having a quiet moment for me, praying that I was alright but it just made me realize what I had to lose. I had a, no, I have a great life.
"Don't you feel a bit deja vu over this?" I asked suddenly and their heads jerked up. "Okay, maybe you dont, but I do"
"What do you mean?" Bob asked.
"This is the second time in two days that I might die... I dont know if you've ever been in this situation, but it's kinda stressful"
"You're not dying" Frank stated. I ignored him and got back to my thoughts but was interrupted by Frank, who was leaning against my shoulder. I smiled and linked my fingers with his. There's no way that I'm gonna leave him, my friends or my life... He moved closer, forced down my legs, which I had pulled up to my chest, with his hand and sat down in my lap. He started teasing me with his lips, first leaning over to make our lips touch and then pull away which made me kinda annoyed, but still relieved.
"Frankie..." I moaned as he once again brushed his lips over mine. "Hugging's okay, but I really dont think we should kiss each oth-"
Like he was even listening to a word I was saying... He smirked and then bit me in my bottom lip, which resulted in me having to push him away or else I would've been getting too into it that I would've kissed him.
"Don't freakin' push me away, you mean person" he whined jokingly, but I could tell by his face that he was hurt.
"But you're not listening" I said and half-hearted pushed him away again as he tried to kiss me.
"I am, I just dont care about what you're saying at the moment"
"That was a lame excuse"
"It wasnt an excuse. It was an explaination" he laughed, proud that he was using my line to get what he wanted.
"Fuck you" I giggled and let him lean over to my face without pushing him away. I know I was being selfish and that I would probably infect him, but he didnt seem to mind... Oh, for fuck's sake! He's nineteen, he doesnt know what the hell he's getting himself into! I firmly pushed him away again and he pouted at me.

"Quick question; if you die and I'll be left alone here, is that really your problem?" he asked.
"Uh... Well no, cause I'm dead"
"Exactly! So KISS me!"
"But- fine" I muttered and leaned over to him, but he jumped away.
"And the enthusiasm is overwhelming" he muttered. I laughed and pushed him down on the floor, making his head rest on my thighs. Then I bent down and gave him a soft kiss. It felt kinda strange, cause if someone saw me from behind right now, they would've thought that I was giving myself a blow job. Frank put his hands on my shoulder and heaved himself up to straddle me without breaking the kiss and it was like as soon as he got himself in position, we both freaked out. I dont know what it was, but I felt tears roll down his face and to my surprise, I was crying too. It wasnt like a sobbing cry, it was more a quiet and a lot more emotional sort of cry.

We werent making out anymore, now we were just desperatly trying to kiss every single piece of skin that our lips could touch. I'm sure it looked kinda sloppy but it wasnt. I hugged him closer, pressing his head against mine and he stopped and looked at me.
"What if you're dying?" he whispered.
"I thought you say I wasnt"
"I'm not kidding, Gerard. What if you die?"
"What about it? There's nothing we can do about it"
"I wanna die with you" he said with surprisingly much stubborness in his voice.
"You cant"
"Why not?" he asked and it was like asking why you cant touch the sun.
"Cause I wont let you do that"
"But the thing is that you wont be here to stop me" he sobbed and I put his head against my shoulder. "You'll be burried deep under ground in a coffin with two metres of mud and dirt over you"
"I'm gonna be cremated, so no, I wont but I get your point. What if my last words on this Earth will be that I'm begging you to carry on without me?"
"I wont do it, Gee. I can't..."
"I know it's hard, but you have to. You're young and let's face it, we havent known each other that long anyways"
"You're telling me that you're not special to me?"
"No, not at all but you can't waste your life away because of me, Frankie" I said softly and he started sobbing against my shoulder again. I looked over and saw Mikey, Bob and Ray look at us with sad faces.
"Besides, you can't leave your bandmates left behind" Mikey said. "Cause if you do, I'll die with you"
"God, my death will cause a major chain reaction..." I muttered and Frank made a weird sound, a mixture between a sob and a laugh. "Don't cry, angel... We dont even know if I'm sick"
"You're right... Let's go and see a doctor!" Frank exclaimed but I shook my head.
"No way. I'm gonna stay here and hang out with you guys today, I'm not going anywhere" I said and started coughing. Frank got down on his knees infront of me and tried to comfort me as my coughings almost smothered me, but I slapped away his hands. I dont know if it's the coughings that are contagious... So it would be quite stupid for me to cough him in the face.