Warped Vision

I sat in between Alan and Austin on the couch, staring at the television screen and trying to allow the movie to distract me. But it really couldn't. It was 11 o'clock at night and I'd ignored all of Alex's phone calls. Eventually, though, I just really wanted to talk about everything running through my mind. But I couldn't; Alan was so intrigued by 500 days of Summer and Austin was half asleep.

I'd just have to deal with it.

The urge to cut came over me once again as soon as I realized that the negative thoughts would not leave. Could I find something to cut with? I was sure they would have at least razors to shave with, of course they did. How come I didn't think of that sooner? I stood up off of the couch without a second thought.

Unfortunately for me, Alan wasn't as intrigued as I thought he was. He pulled on my arm, forcing me to return to my seat, and smiled at me. “Where are you going?”

“Bathroom,” I mumbled simply, but he could see right through me. Either that or he knew there were razors in there and he didn't want to take the chance. He told me to 'hold it' with a laugh. There was apparently a good part coming up.

“Don't you think every part of this movie is a good part?” I attempted to stand up, but he pulled me back down again.

“Well, yeah, which is exactly why you shouldn't leave to take a piss in the middle of it Hannah!”

Sighing, I glanced at him sharply and sat beside him for a little while longer. My mind wasn't even focused on the movie in the slightest, so what did it matter if I got up to cut?

I turned to him again, “Could you pause it please, I really have to piss.”

Alan looked over at me slowly, somewhat irritated, and took a deep breath. At this point, I could tell that he saw right through me. Still, I stared back at him in an attempt to appear believable.

“You're horrible at lying, Hannah,” he laughed lightly, but soon became concerned, “Is something wrong?”

All of the emotions that I had been holding in for so long could not be contained any longer. I wasn't even in control anymore as I started loudly letting off steam, not even taking a second to think about what was coming out of my mouth. “Is something wrong? Of course something is wrong!” I quickly started crying, “My boyfriend just cheated on me and you expect nothing to be wrong? God fucking damn it, Alan, it might be the greatest day ever for you, but I feel like absolute shit!”

I'd woken everyone up with my yelling. Austin was startled and alert on the other side of me, and I noticed Phil and Tino poking their heads out of their bunks, concerned. Alan stared back at me, looking damn hurt and confused.

“I thought you didn't even like him,” He said quietly, looking at his hands, “Didn't you want to break up with him anyway?”

Tears were still pouring down my face as I put it in my hands, shaking my head. Alan apparently put all of what he thought he knew aside and I felt him wrap his arms around me and pull me into him. I responded simply with another sob.

“That's what happened, Hannah?” Austin's sleepy and muffled voice was heard behind me. I felt Alan nod for me, his chin rested on top of my head. I couldn't stop crying. It was true, it actually happened. “Well, Justin's an asshole anyway.”

I attempted to break away from the hug with Alan, but only managed to turn around in his arms, leaning back onto his chest. I was ugly crying and talking slowly in between hiccups at this point. “No, he's actually really nice, I'm just too worthless and boring for him not to cheat on me. I can't believe I was so stupid to think I could be worth something to anyone.”

Austin started speaking and was probably about to deny everything I had just said. However, Alan quickly interrupted him, sounding as if he had just thought of the greatest idea in the world, “Hey Hannah.”

“What?” I sniffled.

“How much does a polar bear weigh?”

I looked at him blankly. I wasn't sure what he was getting on about or in the mood for jokes.

“Enough to break the ice!” He laughed as soon as he realized I wasn't going to answer. I let out a light giggle through my tears, glancing up at him. He smiled back down at me, “You know the most beautiful thing to see is someone smiling after crying? Especially you.”

I closed my eyes and took in a breath, calming down now. What are you even supposed to say to that? And why the hell was I falling for boys like Tony, who don't like me at all, and boys like Justin, who only like me to have sex with me, when neither of them could ever fathom saying anything like that? And then I still was convinced I felt nothing for Alan whatsoever. Why did my feelings do this to me?

“Stop stealing my pick up lines, Alan!” Austin thankfully intruded on the conversation, reaching over me to slap Alan upside the head. Silence followed as he glared back at Austin.

Through the silence, however, the vibration of my phone could be heard for the thousandth time that day. I thought Alex had given up trying to contact me for the night, but I guess not. In a way, it put a halt on the good feelings that I was starting to experience again. I didn't want to get reprimanded by Alex for another stupid reason. Still, I pulled the phone out of my pocket to answer it anyway. If I didn't get it over with, he'd just keep calling.

Alan must have noticed my face drop when I felt it vibrate, though, as he snatched it from my hands as soon as it was out of my pocket. He didn't even look at caller ID before taking the call and holding it up to his ear, “Hannah's phone, Alan speaking.”

I finally moved from off of his lap, into the spot I had previously occupied, and watched him. Normally, I would be 100% opposed to someone speaking on my behalf. But since I really didn't want to have to converse with anyone at that point, I was willing to deal with it.

“No, Justin, you can't talk to her,” Alan said snidely into the receiver after a moment. My eyes bugged out of my head at the sound of his name. I must have been too quick to trust Alan with answering my phone. I tried to take it back from him, but he stopped me with every attempt I made. Letting out a sigh, I gave up pretty fast, and he went on with his conversation, “Why in the hell would you think she would want to talk to you? … Are you seriously that stupid? It's one thing to even think about cheating on Hannah, but to actually do it and then have the nerve to try to speak to her after hurting her like that? That's beyond idiotic. … She doesn't want to talk to you! Fuck off.”

Alan was about to hit end, but Austin took the phone from him before he could. In the quick second it was passed over me, I could hear Justin yelling rapidly on the other end. I tried not to make a sound.

“Hey, if you ever think of getting near Hannah again, I'll fuck you up. … You think I won't? In case you were wondering this is Austin and I'm probably much stronger than Alan and capable of killing you, bye.”

Once the call was finally ended and Austin put the phone out of my reach, the two of them burst out laughing, and I was still feeling anxious about everything.

“Much stronger than me? What the hell?” Alan chuckled, slapping Austin on the arm with very little force. I wasn't sure if it was because he didn't want to topple over me or because he was actually that weak.

Austin lifted his hands up in defense, “At least it's the truth.”

“Fuck you man,” They were both still laughing.

“You guys,” my voice broke for a moment, “Don't you think I should have at least heard him out about the whole thing?”

“No,” They answered simultaneously, but Austin was the one to continue with the argument, “The guy's a prick, Hannah. He'd only be feeding you bullshit and using your emotional vulnerability to his advantage. Trust me, you don't want to 'hear him out.''

He then stood and grabbed my phone to put in his pocket. Why did everyone assume they had to protect me and that I couldn't make decisions for myself? I mean, I should be thankful, I guess, that people cared that much. But I was eighteen...I could handle the consequences.

With that thought, I remembered how just moments ago I was longing to find distraction in a razor and some blood. So...maybe I could see where they would doubt my ability to handle anything.

“I'm going to sleep now. Don't worry about all this, Han. It'll all work itself out.” Austin began walking to the bunks, but stopped in front of Alan and pointed at him to get his attention, “Behave.”

Great. So not only was Austin taking my phone – a perfect distraction – away, but he was leaving me alone with Alan. And, like everyone else, didn't fail to make it awkward by acknowledging Alan's feelings. Thankfully though, Alan looked as uncomfortable as I felt and not as though he wanted to talk about it, giving Austin a little nod and sending him on his way.

Once he was out of the room, I noticed just how quiet it was. The movie had ended and we were both sitting there, refusing to say anything. I stared at the TV screen as carefully as I could, in order to distract myself from Alan's concerned glances.

At about the seventh rerun of the menu sequence, Alan finally cleared his throat and spoke up, “Do you want to watch another movie?”

I still didn't speak. I didn't feel like I could. I was suddenly in the worst mood ever and unable to move a single muscle. Instead of answering him, I fell over onto the couch and curled up into the fetal position, letting out a small groan.

“Hey, shh,” he didn't let me lay there for very long, pulling me up against his chest again. Awkwardly, he tried to change the position he was in, while still holding me. We ended up lying down with me practically on top of him, but still smashed up against the back of the couch. It wasn't even sweet. It was just painful.

“I'm worthless,” I muttered after a moment. I felt Alan sigh beneath me an tighten his grip around my arm, like a weird sort of hug. Letting out a breath as well, I rested my head on his shoulder as comfortably as I could manage.

“No you're not.” He said simply.

“I am, I fuck everything up without trying. I don't even have to do anything at all. It's just in my blood or something! It's impossible for anyone to love me.” I could recognize that I was whining and being very over-dramatic, but I didn't care. And I don't think Alan really did either.

“On the bright side...”

“There is no bright side,” I laughed sadly, straining my neck just to look up at him.

“On the bright side,” he enunciated, laughing as well, “the Alan Ashby thinks you're pretty cool and that's not something he says about everyone. Or any humans at all. Just cats.”

I smiled at this. He was lying, of course. I could name tons of people he thought were 'pretty cool.' But I was willing to accept it for the moment, to make myself feel better. Really, why could I not have just liked him in the first place? It would have made everything so much easier.

“Wow, the Alan Ashby thinks I'm 'pretty cool!' Oh my gosh, he actually just said that to me! He totally wants to get married. I'm surprised the whole world doesn't worship me at this point.”

He chuckled at my sarcasm, probably trying not to break his neck by looking at me, “Well I see you're not in such a bad mood that you're not going to be an ass. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.”

Just the mere mention of my feelings reminded me of exactly why I should be upset. My mood was back down again as I mumbled a light, “Sorry,” up at the ceiling. I expected to lay there like that, in silence, for a while. After all, if it were me in Alan's place, I wouldn't have a clue what to say next. But, catching me by surprise, he instead quickly maneuvered his way around on the couch so that we were in a more comfortable position.

Unfortunately, this position involved us being practically pressed up against each other and facing one another. So, even if it was more comfortable physically, it was much less comfortable emotionally. I tried my best not to let him see the almost disgusted face I instinctively made, and also not to look him directly in the eye. That would make it even more awkward.

“Quit acting like you're always a burden, Hannah,” He whispered.

“But I am,” I was surprised I hadn't started crying by then. Maybe it was the mixture of sadness and discomfort. “There's nothing good about me.”

Unlike with my apologies, I could think of a million ways Alan could have responded to this. But this time, he decided that he couldn't. Yeah, no, instead he thought he could try to make a move once again, and this time I couldn't even move out of the way.

And for the second time on this tour, I tried to kiss back with as much feeling as I could manage. But instead of trying to make someone jealous, I was trying to do this for myself. Could I possibly force myself to have feelings for someone who genuinely cared about me?

If I could, it would be the best thing I ever did for myself. I was at least sure of that.