I Don't Mind If You're Overrated

I was confused, to say the least. Last night had been amazing, but after Kellin had left, I definitely hadn’t been able to sleep. What were we? What did any of this mean? Did I really even like him? It was nearly summer, anyways. We lived close to each other, but still. We needed to talk. I had finally fallen asleep around three in the morning, and slept until nearly noon. I rolled over and checked my phone to see seven texts and two missed calls, all from Kellin. That definitely woke me up. He told me to come to his room. I lifted myself out of bed, nervous for what was coming. I pulled on a clean shirt and changed into different sweats, realizing that it was disgusting to have fallen asleep without changing last night. I was about to leave when I realized someone else may see me, causing me to throw on a thin, black sweatshirt. I didn’t bother texting Kellin, I was sure he was awake. I walked down the stairs slowly, running my hand along the wall on his hallway, which was directly below mine. We were about a year and two months apart in age, although he was much more mature than
your average sophomore. He was turning 16 in about two weeks.

I stood outside his door for a good five minutes before finally working up the courage to knock on it tentatively. I wasn’t sure why I was so intimidated by Kellin all the sudden. He didn’t answer. I knocked again, with more force this time. These doors were pretty heavy, so maybe he couldn’t hear me. I raised my hand to knock again when the door swung open. What I saw surprised me. Kellin had tears running down his face.

“Oh my god.” I whispered, pulling him into my arms. I suppose that it could have been my fault that he was crying, but considering that he didn’t push me away, I assumed it wasn’t. I had no idea what could have happened in such a short amount of time, though. He pulled away and took my hand to lead me back into the room with him, letting the door slam shut behind us. I faced him as he sat down on his bed.

“What’s wrong?” I asked softly. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it and handing it to me. I read the words on the tiny screen. It was a text from his aunt.

From Aunt Lisa: Your father is here. You will be coming home on April 30th.

I stared at Kellin, not believing what I was seeing. He couldn’t leave. I wouldn’t let him.

“What do I do?” He asked in a miserable tone. I hopped onto the bed next to him and pulled him into my arms, kissing the top of his head.

“Do you want to go?” I prompted. He shook his head furiously. I felt horrible. Obviously I didn’t want him to leave, but I couldn’t even imagine how he was feeling right now. I pulled away to look at him. “Then don’t go.” I said simply. I realized how dependent I had become on him over the past month. We were so similar in every way. I needed him. He looked me in the eye, putting his hands on my cheeks.

“I’m not leaving. I’m not going anywhere, not away from you, not when we’re starting something.” He promised. My stomach flipped at his words. We really were something. He leaned forward and kissed me softly, sending butterflies raging in my stomach. No matter how much we had done last night, Kellin’s soft lips were still a shock to the system. The kiss deepened, but I pulled away, because we needed to talk. We at least needed some sort of plan. I wasn’t going to let him leave me, meaning there would be plenty of time for this in the future. But then I realized we had such a long time to talk, so I just kissed him back.

It took me about an hour of cuddling with Kellin to remember why I had come in the first place.

“Kels, I have to ask you something.” I said quietly. He shifted himself so that we were face to face. I took a deep breath. “What… What are we?” I whispered. Kellin chewed on his lip thoughtfully.

“What do you want us to be?” He asked, a playful sparkle in his crystal like eyes. I hadn’t really made up my mind on what I wanted, I had just assumed Kellin would be the one deciding.

“You tell me, aren’t you the man?” I asked in a low voice, running my fingers up his thigh. He snatched my hand, giving me a warning look.

“Don’t you do that now, Victor.” He growled before kissing me roughly. I squealed a little, falling backwards on the bed. His head landed next to mine. “I like you a lot.” He whispered. “I would love it if you’d… you know… be my boyfriend?” He had gone from dominant to bashful in about .5 seconds. I smiled, biting my lip. I didn’t care about the risks. Kellin was perfect, and I needed this. I wasn’t going to waste our time together because I was worried about getting hurt. I nodded.

“Of course.” I murmured, kissing him again. After all, we were each other’s only options.

Kellin and I moved to the lounge, where we watched TV for the majority of the day to take our minds off the news of his father. We didn’t get really touchy, even though we did have some lost time to make up for. After lounging around for hours, we shouldn’t have been tired, but we both were. It was about seven in the evening when I thought he had fallen asleep. I touched his forehead absentmindedly, wondering why he was so afraid of his dad. Sure, he had left, but in that case wouldn’t coming back be a good thing? I was almost asleep also when I heard Kellin sniffle. He was crying.

“Let’s go back to my room.” I suggested gently. He just nodded. We walked in silence, our hands intertwined. I shut the door quickly behind us as we got back to my dorm, then turned to face him.

“Kellin, what did your dad do?” I asked quietly. He sighed, moving to sit on my bed. I bit my lip as I remembered what had happened there last night, making myself a mental note to change the sheets.

“When I was little, we had a perfect family. It was me, my mom, my dad, and my little sister. We even had a dog.” He added with a dry laugh. “Anyways. When I was 13, Kailey- my sister- was diagnosed with leukemia. She was only 11. Do you know how that tears a family apart?” I assumed it was a rhetorical question. I had read My Sister’s Keeper, but it would be different to have something like that happen to your own family. I just shook my head. “Exactly. She got diagnosed late and died within seven months of finding out. On my 14th birthday.” Kellin started to cry again. I realized that the two year anniversary of her death was coming up. “My parents blamed each other. They fought literally all the time. My dad got fed up and left Christmas Eve of my freshman year. Eight months after Kailey died. My mom tried to go on, but she said she had nothing to live for. I was absolutely nothing to that bitch.” His voice was rising now, and his hands were balled up in my sheets. “April, just before my 15th birthday. I got shipped off to my uncle’s house, my dad’s brother. Neglecting, deemed unfit to raise a child. I was still there until November. Finally, I got sent to my mom’s sister. She fucking blamed me for my mom’s death. Shipped me off here, and I haven’t spoken to her since.” Kellin was seething with anger at this point, which was understandable. I was getting angry and none of it even happened to me. I put my arm around him, feeling him sigh.

“My parents haven’t spoken to me in almost two months.” I offered. He looked up at me curiously.
“Can I hear the whole story?” He asked tentatively. I took a deep breath; this would be hard to rehash. But Kellin did it, so I could also.

“My whole life, my parents have only cared about our reputation as a family. Mike, my younger brother, and I, we had to get straight A’s, be good, be normal, be polite. Be perfect. I told them I was gay, and their response was ‘no you’re not.’ I had a panic attack in public, I was grounded. I told them I was always sad, and they said ‘be happy.’ I started getting teased at school, my parents started ignoring me- but not in public, of course. Behind closed doors. They didn’t understand why it was so hard for me to be normal.” I was starting to shake with anger. I understood partially what Kellin felt, this wasn’t a family. “I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to overdose. I’d been, um, self harming for a while, though.” I admitted. “I tried to overdose.” I paused again. Kellin moved his hand up my wrist, rolling up my sleeve. His hand hovered gingerly over the faded lines.

“Which is from that night?” He whispered. I placed his fingers on top of a thick, raised line directly over my vein. I lifted my head to meet his eyes, noticing he was beginning to cry again. He raised my wrist and pressed his lips to it.

“I still think you’re beautiful.” He murmured. I just pulled him close to me, planting a soft kiss on his forehead. And for the first time, I was glad Mike had saved me. I was meant to find this boy.