Sad, Beautiful, Tragic

Alex woke up to the sound of the windows shaking from the summer thunderstorm. He stifled his wide sleepy yawn with one hand, the other still entangled with Madison’s hand. He smiled down at the girl sleeping on his chest wondering to himself how he managed to sneak into her life. He lifted their tangled hands in the air, admiring how perfectly they fit together. He slightly angled their hands so that Madison’s hand was facing him, he gently placed feather light kisses to each of her knuckles, his lips lingering on the top of her hand before placing it back on his chest.

“Thanks for slobbering all over my hand, ‘Lex” Madison mumbled, her words further muffled by her face being pressed against Alex’s neck.

“It means I like you, my dog taught me that trick” Alex stated in mock seriousness.

Madison lifted her head so that she was looking down at the chocolate eyed boy “did your dog happen to teach you to fetch breakfast, too” she played along though the rumble of her stomach gave away that she wouldn’t have minded a food-fetching- boyfriend.

Alex’s chest rumbled with laughter, his eyes squinting to small slits as his smile spread across his face. Madison smiled in return, the smile spreading contagiously; though she knew for certain that it was impossible to not smile or laugh along with Alex. If she had to list her favorite things about the boy his ability to make people happy with just a laugh or smile would definitely be in the top five favorite attributes, though she would be too embarrassed to admit that aloud, her cheeks felt hot just at the thought.

“I don’t think your parents…or Nate, would take too kindly to finding out I stayed over” Alex twirled a strand of Madison’s hair around his finger.

Madison sat up pulling the strand of hair free from Alex’s grip and swung her legs over the edge of the bed with a shrug “it’s cool, they aren’t here. My dad is visiting his mom in Germany like he does every summer. Mom and Nate are visiting colleges, I finally convinced him staying ‘round here for me is pointless, ya know?—“

Alex clambered off of the bed and kneeled down, placing his hands on Madison’s clothed thighs “hey, it’s not pointless. He wants as much time with you as he can possibly get, I admire that” Alex spoke in an honest whisper.

Madison averted her gaze to the corner of the room and shrugged again “I don’t want to hold him back and he isn’t going to get what he wants out of life if he just sits in this damn town waiting for me to die.”

“Mads—“

“Can we just not talk about this, please?!” Madison cut Alex off from the speech she knew was bound to come. The whole “I don’t like when you say that-you’re very important-be positive” speech, she had heard it countless times and quite frankly it was beginning to get on her damned last nerve. Alex nodded his head in a silent defeat but still pulled her body forward so his arms were wrapped around her waist and his head was resting on her chest.

“What do you wanna do today?” Alex asked around a mouthful of lucky charms, the milk dribbling down his chin.

Madison spread a thin layer of cream cheese on half of a bagel and poured a glass of water. She pulled her pill container from the kitchen drawer next to the refrigerator and took out the handful of pills that set in the “Friday labeled spot.

“I have an appointment, my results are supposed to be in today. So, you might want to hit up Jack or somebody else ‘cause these things usually last all day” She said casually as if she had just told Alex that she was going to spend the day at the mall with friends and he would be shit out of luck.

Alex sat his spoon down into the soggy cereal and wiped his hand across his face. He watched Madison take each of the pills, drink half of her water and take a bite of her bagel before he finally spoke up.

“By yourself?” He asked, his brows furrowed and a frown on his face.

“Mhmm” Madison responded, her mouth full of bagel. “s’not a big deal, I usually go alone anyways”

Alex’s frown deepened further, he hated even going to the dentist alone he couldn’t imagine going for treatments for a terminal disease alone. He hated hospitals too, something about them just creeped him out but he sat that thought aside “I’ll go with you” he said, not willing to take no for an answer.

“So what’s the appointment for? Will there be needles, I’m not too good with needles---“

“ALEX!” Madison yelled, cutting of his rambles. Alex stood still, his mouth still open ready to form the next word. He closed his mouth and cocked his head to the side in question.

“uhm..we’re going in to discuss my options” Madison picked at her cuticles

“Options?” Alex asked

“I’m…um. I told my doctor that I’m not continuing treatments anymore.”

“W-what? You can’t just..STOP!” Alex yelled incredulously, his arms flailing in the air to further his dramatic point but Madison expected that. She didn’t expect him to understand and she was grateful to Jack for not telling Alex before she had the chance because she knew no one would be able to explain the decision to Alex aside from herself.

“I can, and I am.” Madison stated firmly, holding her hand up for Alex to stop as soon as he shook his head in protest. “Alex, if I go through with this next bout of treatments I will be sick, sicker than I am now. I will be practically bedridden in the hospital with a shit ton of IV’s and other cords stuck to my body. “

“Yeah, b-but you’ll get better, right?! You’d get better, Madi!” Alex cried out in frustration, not understanding why she would deny the treatment that could potentially save her, the treatment that would keep alive, with him.

“Oh, Alex…” Madison sighed, resting her hand on his right forearm “I won’t get better with the treatment, if anything…this treatment will be the one that kills me. I know..” she paused, searching for the best way to explain it to him “I know that you don’t fully understand and that’s okay because sometimes I don’t either but, the chemo….the drugs, the treatments, all of it has helped but they all take a lot out of me. They make me really sick and extremely weak and vulnerable to other viruses. My body can’t take it anymore. I’m not trying to die faster, ‘Lex. I’m trying to live longer, that’s why I’m doing this.” Madison stressed her point, her hand moving up to stroke Alex’s cheek and catch a stray tear that made its way past his strong wall of emotions.

“What’s going to happen?” Alex rushed out, needing to know what to expect.

Madison hugged her body to his her own eyes filling with tears “that’s what we’re going to my appointment to find out but everything will be okay, ‘Lex” the empty promise slipped easily from her tongue.

Alex tightened his arms for a brief moment before taking a shaky breath and letting go “well, what are we waiting for?”

“I have to get dressed, doofus” Madison laughed out and maneuvered towards to stairs up to her room.

“Oh, right…” Alex noted, still standing in yesterday’s clothes alone in the kitchen. He lifted his shirt to his nose and decided that he smelled decent enough to wear the clothes for another day and instead of changing waited at the front door for Madison. It would have been a lie to say he was okay, to say that he wasn’t scared shitless and that his hands weren’t shaking but he pushed that all away when Madison grabbed his hand and led him to her car.

The car ride to the hospital was mostly silent, neither teenager knowing what to say and both wrapped up in their own thoughts to even acknowledge the tense atmosphere. Madison mindlessly hummed along to Jimmy Eat Worlds, Futures and Alex stared out the window wringing his hands together nervously. From an outsider it probably would have appeared that Alex was the one with the nauseating doctor’s appointment.

“Alex?” Madison called out

“Hmm, yeah?” Alex turned his head to face the girl.

‘We’re here” Madison watched as Alex looked around, his hand clumsily unbuckling the seatbelt “Oh, right” Alex hurriedly exited the car with Madison, not hesitating to intertwine their hands as soon as they were within distance of each other.

They entered the building together though it was more Alex was being pulled behind Madison as she professionally navigated the pair to the desk she needed to check in at.

A plump elder woman sat behind the oak desk with her hair pulled into a loose bun, stray grey hairs fanning her face and thick round glasses perched atop her nose.

“Ah,Madison dear! I suppose you’re the 12:15 then?” The woman asked, sliding a clipboard of sign in papers across the desktop.

“That’s me, Nancy. How’s George doing?” Madison untangled her hand from Alex’s and signed the paper attached to the clipboard.

“Oh, stubborn as ever” Nancy chuckled.

“Ah, so he’s doing well. Send my love to him, yeah?” Madison slid the clipboard back to Nancy
and patted her hand. “Of course, sweetheart” Nancy wished her well with a kind smile.

Alex followed Madison to small bench on the far wall, mentally noting how well Madison was with adult interactions. He could hardly talk to Jack’s parents in the simplest of forms and he had known them for years. He himself never fared well with authority figures, but Madison had it down to a formula it seemed, it was just one more thing to add to the list of things he admired about her.

“Madison?” A nurse called out

Madison quickly made her way to the nurse with Alex following behind them.

“Dr. Johnson will be with you shortly” The nurse said leaving Alex and Madison to sit themselves in the sturdy leather chairs in front of a mahogany desk littered with files and family mementos.

It wasn’t long before the door was being closed an a man clothed in a lab coat and short greying hairs sat across from them with a file folder in hand.

“Miss Madison, lovely seeing you again, and you friend?”

“Alex” Alex stuck his hand across the table and shook the doctor’s hand.

“Alright, shall we get started?” Dr.Johnson asked looking at Madison. She nodded her head quickly, mindlessly twisting her hands until Alex grabbed her right hand in his left to calm her nerves.

The doctor skimmed through the papers in the folder before setting them down on the desk and adjusting his thick rimmed glasses.

“It seems that your results are looking well with the new medications you’re on. I would suggest another round of chemo but there’s a note here stating you wish to terminate further treatments, is that correct?” The doctor asked.

“Y-yeah” Madison nodded.

“May I ask why? This treatment could help sustain your life by months perhaps even a year, it’s
critical that we act on it while we can”

Madison swallowed the lump that was rapidly growing in her throat “It’s personal”

The doctor crossed his arms; patronizingly “with all due respect…” he started

“Sir, please just tell us what to expect” Alex said sternly, surprising both Madison and himself with his outburst.

“Madison, I advise against this” the doctor restated

“Just tell me, please” Madison ordered politely, her lips sealed in a tight line.

The doctor shuffled through his desk producing a pad of paper and a pen. He began writing a list as he spoke “If you continue with the medication you should expect increased fatigue, nausea, nose bleeds, vomiting and increased weight loss that could potentially get bad enough to be classified as anorexia. However, there is a chance your immune system stabilizes enough to fight off common colds and infections as long as you eat healthily, take the meds and report any serious problems to me. If we’re going to go this route you have to sustain as healthy of a lifestyle as you can. I recommend seeing a specialty nutritionist as well. ” The doctor explained, handing the list and recommendations to Madison.

Madison stuffed the paper in her pocket and began to stand up to wish the doctor farewell and thanks “Madison, you should also know that as it gets closer you will experience delirium, it’s unavoidable and usually rapid. It will come in short bursts but they will grow longer, be sure to surround yourself with the people you love”

With that she knew that the doctor was ultimately telling her that he was giving up on her battle. Madison nodded her head and pulled Alex out of the office with her, not stopping until they were both at the car. Madison let out a shaky breath and clambered into the passenger’s seat, handing the keys to Alex as she was in no state to drive.