Train to My Heart

James didn’t seem to take notice that I was afraid right then. No, instead he had gathered all of his belongings from wherever he had appeared from before and joined me in my train compartment, disrupting my solitude and making my stomach feel as if it were filled with rocks. He sat across from me, and I stared out the window to the snow-littered alleys, wishing I could only jump out the window and escape from this interrogation. I couldn’t say that this conversation wasn’t inevitable, of course. Whether it would’ve been now or later, I knew that at some point I would’ve come face to face with those brown eyes and owed him an explanation.

“So… how are you?” He asked, rubbing his hands together nervously. I recognized that look from the first time that we had met. Neither of us knew what to say to one another, yet we were forced together in a close working environment. This time, of course, he had put himself into the position on his own accord. He was too stubborn to just realize that we couldn’t be together and leave the matter alone; no, he wanted to know why we had went wrong. Just maybe, then he would have closure. But then again, considering we had never discussed it, we had never technically “broken up.”

“I,” I met his eyes and saw the stubborn sadness on his face, “I don’t know. I guess I’m okay…”

“Are you coming home?” I couldn’t help but smile. James was so awkward when he was nervous; he was worse than I was, and he had been raised as a boy of popularity.

“Yes.”

“But you haven’t come home before since freshman year.” I shook my head, though it hadn’t been a question. “How come?”

I broke away from his sad stare and looked out into the cold flurry of the afternoon snow. I felt as if the same blizzard was happening inside. Could I really explain to him why I had stayed away for so long? Why I had lost contact with him and pretended I was okay.
No, I was a coward. Instead I shrugged my shoulders.

“Was it me? Did you grow tired of me? Really, I wanna know!” James asked, reaching across to grab my hands. I jerked them away from his. It hurt. I had grown so much resistance to the hurt that I was feeling from letting him go. Now, he was breaking every barrier I had with the hurt in his eyes.

I shook my head to avoid my voice from cracking.

“Then what, baby?! Do you know how much I hurt every day? Every day I think about you, and I hate myself that I was put so far away from you. Maybe if I had just followed you and let you follow your dreams – and saved mine for later. Maybe I could still be kissing you instead of feeling like I’m so far away from you like this. God, you won’t even talk to me!”

I remained silent, letting him breath. What was I supposed to tell him?

I remembered the letter:

~~~

It was a dark red envelope with golden calligraphy. In the golden lettering, it read: “Kenah Britto”. It had come at one of the worst times. We had just returned from a Christmas break between semesters. Jamie had been awfully clingy at the time, but we hadn’t spent quite as much time together as we had wanted. For my freshman Christmas break, I felt like my whole world was falling apart. We were supposed to be spending more time together, but life had gotten in the way. I was completely frustrated, not with Jamie, but with the communication that seemed to fail for us and the classes that left me too busy to visit him often.

Then the letter arrived.

Dear Kenah Britto,

We are pleased to inform you that we have been reviewing your writing works. We would like to offer you an opportunity to write with us at Writing Inc. Here you could develop your skills as an up-and-coming author and still develop a job as a technical writer.
We hope to hear back from you,

John Clydle
Coordinator at Writing Incorporated

This seemed like a new light to vanquish the darkness that was filling my soul from the sadness of being away from James. Then I found out the logistics of the job: summer internship, intern hours during the school year, and writing assignments during school breaks. I struggled to figure out a way to write of my advantage to James. Somehow I knew he’d see that the cons were outweighing the pros. Jamie felt so far away, but this opportunity was so close!

When James’ next letter came, I sat for a long time wondering what the right thing to do was. Instead of replying, I didn’t ask for his opinion. No, I kept his letter safe in the pocket of my notebook, but I couldn’t reply. I didn’t want the sadness of him officially ending it between us.

I stayed at college that summer, and didn’t think about coming home after that. I needed to put James Noble behind me…

~~~

“I’m sorry!” I whispered, not trusting my voice with anything more. “I just didn’t want to hurt you!”

“Hurt me how? There wasn’t another guy was there? You didn’t find someone who could love you better, did you?” He cried out. I could barely shake my head as my upper lip quivered with suppressed tears. “Good. Kenah, no one will ever be able to love you more than I do. More than I always will…”

I opened my mouth to speak as the train came to a screeching halt. I grabbed my belongings and hurried of the train before I could say anything I could regret later…