Train to My Heart

“How’s college life?” My dad, who I called “Paul” as he had chosen for the matter of being “hip”, asked as we sat together on the couch. In the past two years he had acquired quite a gut and the fringes of his hair graying, showing the signals of “getting old” that he was still in denial about.

“Good. Classes are going pretty well; I can’t complain. I absolutely love going to school for writing!” I gushed, squeezing the hot chocolate mug that was in my hands in an act to stay warm. Part of me just wanted to hug Paul and stay in his arms; I missed being his little girl that had weekly “dates with Dad” and whom I kept all of my secrets with. I was closer to Paul than to Amy, my mother, who had chosen a full-time job over her eldest daughter. When I had the lead in the school musical, the seat I had reserved especially for her remained empty; when I had given soccer a try as a five-year-old, I gained possession of the ball and when I looked into the crowd to see her proud smile, she was nowhere to be found. Jenna seemed to have a better relationship with Amy than I ever had, and, for her, I was glad.

“No. I mean, how’s my little girl?” He said, folding up the newspaper that he had been reading before I had made my entrance into the house. Yes, I hadn’t done so well in the snow; I had slipped on the ice of the driveway and was sufficiently wet before I had even gotten to the heavy piles of snow. “You don’t mind me still calling you that, do you?”

“No!” I smirked. “I’m okay. I love my job and college is going fine. I’ve been doubling up on classes so I could possibly graduate this summer! My boss, John, said that once I graduate, I could do all of my writing from home, so then I could get an apartment around here and be closer.”

“That’s awesome! Then we wouldn’t have to wait two years to see our daughter, I hope!” He teased, poking me in the side. “And what about boys? What’s going on in that category of life?”

I sighed heavily. Gah, I should’ve seen that one coming. It was no doubt that Paul and Amy had been bewildered when I had said that I would have to end things with Jamie in order for everything to work out for us. They had been complete marriage pushers since the beginning – being high school sweethearts themselves. Most parents would’ve been at least a little worried when we laid together on the couch, but my parents gave us our privacy and gushed of their approval that I had found such a suitable “high school sweetheart”. Everyone seemed slightly upset that we wouldn’t have our normal family traditions of Christmas dinners together and summer vacations…

~~~

And then the doorbell rang… I should’ve found it strange that someone was ringing the doorbell on Christmas Eve! Yes, I should’ve been scared then…

“Hello Maggie! Great to see you! Come on in!” Amy called, and my heart started beating a little faster. It was possible that another “Maggie” had started a tradition of coming to Christmas Eve dinners, wasn’t it?

“Where do you want the potato salad, Amy?” I heard Mike call, and my heart completely sank to the floor.

Jenna came running down the stairs from her room for the first time since I had arrived from home two hours ago. I heard her rush out to greet the family, but I couldn’t bear to turn my head towards the hallway. I heard James’ sweet voice as he hugged my sister and mom, and his seven-year-old sister, Felicia, squealed with pleasure of seeing everyone.

Two years ago, I was the first to greet everybody. I wrapped my arms around Jamie and felt warm in his embrace. He secretly nibbled at my ear, whispering how he had missed me. Now though, I only sank deeper into the couch cushion, wishing I could just hide away from the people in the other room.

“So I guess that means you’re not over him?” Paul asked, noticing my internal retreat.
I shrugged. “You’ve still kept up the family tradition?” I was almost at tears; whether I was more upset that they had spent two Christmases without me or that they had kept up a family tradition with my ex, I wasn’t sure.

“Yes baby. Your Mom and Maggie – and Tom and I – are friends. And so are Jamie and Jenna. It wasn’t something your Mom wanted to give up quite yet. Please understand.”

“I-I do… I just didn’t know…” But I couldn’t finish any of my incoherent thoughts. Maggie, Tom, and Felicia entered the room in the next seconds. Jamie was following them, but Jenna’s small fingers caught his wrist and he turned back around. Part of my heart sank even more. Was there more to Jenna and Jamie’s friendship than I thought there was? I couldn’t blame her…or him. She was a respectable, young sixteen-year who had had a close friendship with him before; he was hurting because of me. If they had ended up together, I would be happy for them…

But Jamie entered a few minutes later by himself, amongst the small-talk of his parents and my father. His parents threw me sad glances and offered their greetings, but otherwise kept me out of the conversation. Jamie sat almost directly across from me and tried to force eye contact on me, which I avoided by looking out the window. That window was the same one that I had overheard Jamie’s conversation out of, and I chomped on my tongue to push back tears. I knew he could see it though; my nostrils flared with intense pain of holding back tears and my eyebrows scrunched together.

“Kenah! Can you come help me set the table?” Jenna appeared in the living room doorway. She was my savior! “Why aren’t you talking to him?” She accused through gritted teeth as she shoved the fine china into my hands.

“Maybe I don’t want to, Jenna! Maybe it would be better if we never saw one another again. Especially not here! Not now!” I cried slightly, but my heart leapt back into my chest. At least she wasn’t telling me that Jamie and she were romantically involved.

Amy came out of the kitchen with the duck that was our traditional Christmas Eve dinner. “Sweetheart, it always is easier if you talk to the source of the problem. Even if you don’t completely fix things, at least you could get some closure and fix your aching heart.” She advised, as if she knew the whole story – or even cared.

“My aching heart?! I don’t have an aching heart!” I spat in her direction. “I don’t need closure; I just need to be able to move on!”

“Well it’s going to take more than you being so stubborn, Kenah!” My sister grabbed my shoulders and athletically shook me. “He loves you, Kenah! Not loved, but loves! He always will love you!”

The tears were streaming down my face by now, nowhere close to stopping. Amy embraced me as she had seldom done before and patted my back. “Don’t let them see you down, baby! He’s obviously still affecting you, and you have to figure out how to get over that. Right now, you need to go freshen up… Dinner’s ready, and we can’t keep everyone hungry forever!” She kissed me on both cheeks and ushered me to the bathroom at the end of the hall.

~~~

I stayed in the bathroom for a little over five minutes. I was able to calm my tears – through no help of deep breathing – and I ran water over my tear-stained eyes that only ended up looking blotchier. I experimented with a sincere smile in the mirror, but ended up with nothing more than a shriveled zig-zag of a mouth. Jenna came to knock on the door twice before a third time telling me that my time was up.

I opened the door of the bathroom and followed my bubbly sister down the hall.

Here goes nothing…