Positive Reinforcement

A slap. A cold, calloused hand against my face. Yes, that was how I had been awakened.

“Up, you ugly piece of shit!” Joel snarled; I didn’t have to open my eyes to imagine the scowl that decorated his usually-handsome features. That same hand that had just smacked me away fell back onto my cheek in a soft caress. I couldn’t help but smile at his warmth.

It wasn’t that I had liked being awakened this way, nor would I have preferred it to a gentle caress or morning kiss, but it was just Joel’s way. After all, he was all I had.

I was a bitch. I was a slut. I was ugly. I cared too much. I was useless. No one could love me. Joel was the first to explain to me all of this. After all, he was right. Even my parents had known it when they had dropped me off at an adoption center and left me.

Joel had a harsh way, but he meant well. He was the one who had taken me in. He gave me those gentle nights where the harsh insults disappeared and I did feel loved. He called me names and put me down because he was trying to make me stronger.

Or at least that’s what I had begun to tell myself.

Inside I was cold. When his hands reached for me in need of love, my inner soul flinched. Every harsh word vibrated in my ears for hours after they had left his lips. Every word he said was right; I knew that. It didn’t mean that it didn’t sting like hell when he said it. If he loved me, why couldn’t he see past all of my imperfections and be what I really needed in life?

I climbed out of bed groggily after he had exited the room, hoping to avoid a gentle kiss that always turned ugly. I put on my makeup and got ready for work as fast as I could, seeing as I was about to be late if I didn’t hurry. Extra makeup was needed over my right eye, where Joel’s gentle love had turned into something rougher last night. The rest of the night happened to be good, except when Joel got excited.

“Good morning, bitch,” Joel whispered into my ear as he swept me off of my feet and pulled me into a kiss. His kisses always made me forget how I sometimes felt when I was with him; it erased the bad and reminded me only of how good I felt that I had someone like him to take care of me. The kiss became a bit more passionate, and I almost forgot that I had to go to work…

Work was only a two minute walk – under circumstances like today’s, a one minute run. I made it there just in time to fix my nametag before my shift filtered in and took the place of last night’s workers. A coffee shop like this was busiest at all times of the day!

Most people looked at me confused. Why was a twenty-year-old girl spending her mornings working at the local coffee shop when she should be taking her college classes? When we had graduated from high school together, Joel had told me that he would go to school to be an engineer and I wasn’t to waste my time trying to get into college: it would be more beneficial for me to get a job and not hang on to the crazy delusions that I could get into something as highly-competitive as a college! I believed Joel; he was smart about these things and knew how to keep me out of trouble the best.

“Sarah! Glad to see you’re on time today!” My friend, and co-worker, Makayla, laughed. Makayla was a senior in high school with a state title in the 100 backstroke for swimming and a bright future. She worked the early-morning shift to make some extra money before school and left a half hour after I arrived. She had overlooked the fact that I was a disappointment and became friends with me somehow.

“Thanks, Makayla. Good to see you haven’t crashed from exhaustion here either!” I teased about her complaints. There wasn’t much ordering happening except at the drive-thru window, so I went to the back. Makayla followed me.

“Now what is the recipe for a latte again?” She asked, smirking when I shook my head. “Right, you can’t remember any of the recipes except for one custom order! What is it again?”

“Black coffee: two sugars and a pack of cream. Happy?” I turned around to see that she was peeking her head around the corner.

“Might want to hurry up with that; you’re getting quite a line out here!” She laughed again.

I walked back out to my station and found only three people in my line: all regulars… All willing to wait for me to serve them. Makayla also reported to her register.

“I can take someone over here!” She called.

The second person in my line, a boy my age with chestnut hair and blue eyes, ushered the third person into her line. He smiled at me as the person before him finished and left.

I pushed the coffee that I had custom-made just a minute ago towards him, “Black coffee: two sugars, one cream!” He ordered the same thing every day before he went to his college class, and who was I to not be courteous and start remembering it for him?

He smiled and threw me the exact amount of money that he had grown accustomed to remembering. “Keep the extra dollar.” He winked at me, and then he was gone.

I stared at the dollar for a long time, contemplating what to do. Makayla had left a long time ago for her school, and I was left alone to make the decision. It had taken me a while to discover the significance of leaving me an extra dollar, but then I had found the name “Matthew” and the seven digits of a cellphone number scrawled in the corner.

Finally, I took out my phone and did the craziest thing I had ever thought to do: I texted him.

Hey. This is Sarah… You know, from the coffee shop? I found your number on that dollar, and I just wanted to let you know, that is not a safe thing to do since creepers can find those and then text you. I wrote, and then felt like an idiot the moment I sent it.

Hey! So you did find the number! I was hoping you would. Yes, don’t lose that dollar, I don’t need creeps! :P He replied almost instantly.

Well, why did you leave me your number? I replied back. I couldn’t help feeling a rush of excitement; I hadn’t felt this way since Joel had first taken an interest in me.

Because I think you’re beautiful. And hey, what did I have to lose as it was? You’re texting me, so you obviously think something good about me too. Man, Matthew had fast fingers; his replies were getting faster!

Well maybe I do… But I’m not beautiful or anything. I’m not worth your time.

NO, you’re so beautiful. Listen, give me a chance to prove it to you. My friend’s having a party at his house, and it would give me a chance to get to know you. You’re beautiful and special, and I can tell you’d be someone who could be good for me… My heart was fluttering as if I was having a heart attack. No one had ever said I was beautiful before, nor had they ever been so eager to get to know me.

Hold on a second, I have a boyfriend, so you’ll just be wasting your time… I replied, anxious to get this fluttering feeling to stop.

Oh, but if you have a boyfriend, you should know how gorgeous you are. Doesn’t he tell you that every day?

I wasn’t sure how to respond. After two minutes had passed, he replied again.

If he doesn’t tell you, then this guy is seriously no good for you. I know you think I’m overstepping, but I know guys like that, and they aren’t worth it.

He’s only telling me the truth… I stuck up for Joel, the beating of my heart only growing stronger with complements.

No, he’s telling you what he wants you to believe. This guy… he knows that if you knew what you were really worth you wouldn’t spend five seconds with him; that’s why he tells you the things he does. He knows your beautiful and deserve the best, but he knows that he can’t give you it so he tells you lies to make you think he is giving you the best. He texted again, and the tears rolled down my cheeks.

So many times people had tried to tell me that Joel wasn’t good enough for me. They had told me that he was holding me back. I had always been too blinded by the misfortunes in my life to understand the lies.

Just listen to me, and I can show you how much better you are without him. His last text came and I was ready for what I had to do.

I didn’t go home that night. Instead, Matt ditched his last class of the day and picked me up.

“Hello beautiful. Glad you accepted my offer.” He smiled that same smile that he had been smiling at me every morning for the past month at the coffee shop. My heart had been in love with that smile since the beginning, but my head had been too clouded with lies to see it.

“Do you really think I’m beautiful?” My voice stumbled as his hand moved from the steering wheel to intertwine with mine.

“Yes. Hell, I haven’t gotten you off of my mind since I first met you!” He said as we reached a stoplight, and his hand went up to caress my bruised cheek. “You’re too beautiful for this…”

That night had been the best night in all of my life. We danced and just talked as if everything was normal. He held me tightly, but gently, and kissed me softly as if we had all the time in the world together. I could see it in his eyes that he had feelings that couldn’t be described – feelings that I had never witnessed before.

The party ended too soon, and Matt held on to me as if he were afraid I would disappear from his sight. For the first time in my life, I felt beautiful…and special…and loved.

Then I felt the familiar vibrate in my pocket. Where are you, baby?!

Matt was reading over my shoulder, and I felt his body heave in a sigh. He thought this meant that our night together was ending; I knew it was only beginning…

With a new confidence that I had never possessed before, I hit reply:

It’s over… And I kissed Matt until I was breathless…