A Letter to Sadie

Jared balled up the paper and tossed it in the bin to join the other pages he had written. Frustrated, he rubbed his eyes, stood and walked over to the window. He was staying with Shannon for a week, before heading off to Europe to travel. Traveling was good, he told himself, he couldn't stay here any longer, not right now anyway.

He hadn't seen her since May, even though he had been back from his and Shannon's road trip for months now. The summer had been bittersweet for him. He had drank, and partied, wrote, cried, and they even played a few shows, it was good to get his mind off of things for a while. But here he was now, his mind only stuck on her.

He could see her face clearly in his mind, tears streaking her face the last time he saw her. She had been crying because of him, heartbroken, he hadn't meant to for things to turn out that why.
He could remember the feel of her skin on his hand, her lips on his, how he eyes lit up when she was excited.

A part of him wished it had only been casual, that she would have gotten over him, that she wouldn't have minded his absence in her life, that she would have been the one to end it, hell, he even wished that she would have just said no to his advance. But no, they had to both fall in love. And she had to be underage, and he had to be her teacher. Why did he have to fall in love with her? Why had he been so selfish? So careless?

Because that's what love does to you. It doesn't take into account how old you are, what profession you are. It comes into your life when you least expected it, and there's nothing you can do about it.

He took a deep breath, drank a huge mouthful of coffee, and sat down to write another draft of his letter to the girl who stole his heart... he still hadn't gotten it back.

A ten minutes later Jared balled that letter up as well. He had been rambling, telling her about his road trip, and meaning less shit that had nothing to do with her. He wrote down a bunch of lies, about how great things were. He planned on having Shannon deliver the letter sometime before she graduated, so maybe by then those lies would become truths.

He doubted it.

He scratched his head just as his phone rung. It was his mom, as much as he hated doing it, he shot her to voice mail, he wasn't in the mood to talk. He knew she was going to ask about Christmas, which was two days away. He had been debating whether or not to leave for Germany early, or waiting until the New Year, like he had planned. His mom and brother would be pissed if he left before the holiday, plus his birthday was the twenty sixth, he knew it would be cruel to leave now. And Shannon would kick his ass if he did that to their mom.

After having put his phone away, Jared left the room and went into the kitchen, Shannon was there, seated at the table, but said nothing. He knew his baby brother was in some sort of mood and had locked himself away for a few hours, he looked tired, but he knew not to comment. Tomorrow he would grill him, now was not the time.

Jared poured himself another cup of Joe, and headed back upstairs. He grabbed his pen and got to work. He wanted to tell Sadie the truth, she deserved that, even if it hurt.

A half hour later, Jared was had finally finished the letter, making sure that he worded everything right, he read it out loud twice, trying to picture her as she read it.

Dear Sadie,

How are you, my lovely?

Stupid question, probably, but I'm hoping you're having a good senior year so far. I hope you had a great Christmas and New Year.

As I'm writing this the snow is lightly falling down, not as heavy as last winters snowfall, but still lovely to view. It's cold, two days before Christmas. I'm drinking some very hot, very strong, coffee that Shannon had brewed, and I very well may be up for several days straight because of it.

I'm looking out the window, it's nearly evening, and you're only a few miles away, so temping to just get in the car and come see your beautiful face. I fight that urge, I may lose, I may see you, it may break my heart, but I don't care.

It took me so long to try to figure out just how I wanted to word this letter to you, and even now I'm not sure if it'll be was perfect as I hope, so bear with me.

It's been a year since we first kissed, since we first made love. Things were much less complicated then, neither of us knew what lied ahead, but we weren't worried about that then.

And now a half a year had passed since I last laid eyes on you, and it hasn't gotten any easier, I though it would. I see you everywhere and in everything.

And it's killing me.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but I'm not sure how much time it will take for me to not see you in my dreams, and selfishly I hope you still think of me, and that makes me, once again, feel like the villain in all of this.

I told you that things would be okay, it wasn't a lie, but you still very well may be suffering because of me, and the last thing I wanted to do was cause you any more pain.

So you may be wondering why I even decided to wrote you this, knowing full well the old wounds I may open up, how it may torture you, create new scars. But I needed to get this off my chest, I needed you to know everything I feel, even if it hurts us both. Closure, some may call it. I don't like that word, closure, it seems so final.

But I've spent countless hours thinking about you, so much so that it hurts, about how you're holding up, about the heartache I caused you. I wonder if you'll ever forgive me for how things ended, I hope so.

I miss you every waking moment, of every day. I miss your smile and your voice and your stubbornness, and how you made me feel like I was a good man, even when I clearly wasn't. Everyday I woke up knowing I was loved, and that for me was enough to get me by. If we could be together, really be together, then we would be. You'd be in my arms right now, I wouldn't let you go. There I go again, being selfish.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I want you to know that I truly do love you, more than you'll ever know, and I don't think there will ever come a day when I won't. You may not believe this, Sadie, but you are the love of my life, the keeper of my heart.

And I know what you're thinking, if that's true then why did I leave? Well, it was the only thing to do, I said it before, but I'll say it again, it was for you. You need to live, and it had to be without me, for now anyway. And it was the hardest decision I ever had to make.

If I could change how things ended I would, believe me, Sadie, I would.

Maybe we shouldn't have started a relationship, maybe I took advantage of you, you were vulnerable, and I was in a position of power, I exploited that power, and for that I'm sorry. But I'm not regretful, not one second, every moment I had with you I cherish, and I hope you do too.

Maybe someday well come together, be friends, perhaps, and maybe over time lovers again. I don't know. Or maybe you'll spit in my face whenever you see me again, no less than I deserve. If you hate me, I understand. If you never want to see my face again, that's fine too. I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make life more difficult for you. I'm sorry, know that I am.

All I want is for you to be happy, to live a normal, fulfilled life. You're so smart, and beautiful and the world is yours, go out and claim it. I want, no, need you to live the life you were meant to. You deserved so much, things I can't give to you right now.

You never got a taste of what a real relationship with me would have been like. I wanted to tell the world that you were mine, shout it to the heavens. But instead we had to sneak around, keeping secrets, secrets that almost got you more hurt that you were. For that I will never forgive myself. It shouldn't have been that way, but we can't change that now.

I only hope that one day you'll be happy, truly happy, even if it isn't with me. As cliché as it sounds, it's true, that if you love something, sometimes you must set it free. I'm setting you free, Sadie Bell, for now, in the hopes that you'll find something better for you, someone more deserving, someone more worthy of your beauty, trust, loyalty, and love.

Or that maybe if we ever do find our selves together again I'll be the man you deserve. One who can protect you properly, like a man should. I know how I failed you when that motherfucker attacked you. I should have ended his sorry ass the first time around. The only comfort I find now is knowing that he won't bother you ever again, you are safe, best not to say any more than that about it, but you don't have to shoulder that burden any longer, it was never your to bare to begin with.

I'm sorry that it happened to you, so sorry and words can never express that. I know the nightmares are still there, I can't take those away. I can't change the fact that he hurt you, that he threatened you, if it were not for me you wouldn't have been subjected to that pain. But I also know that he was crazy, and had I not been around you wouldn't have had anyone to turn to, no one to trust, and he may have done unspeakable things to you. That makes my blood boil, the thought of his hands on you, the thought of anything else happening to you.

I don't know if your mom told you, but she and I talked in September, just after school started before your birthday, (oh, by the way Happy belated Birthday) I know things can't be easy for her since last Spring. She was wondering why I wasn't returning to teaching, she guessed half the truth. She said she was disappointed, but understood the position I was in.

But mostly she was worried about you, she said you weren't talking much, you were more withdrawn than before, that you were still having nightmares too. She didn't know what to do, she knew we were close so she was wondering if I would speak with you. I told her truthfully that it would be a very bad idea, although I really wanted to, just to hear your voice, even if you told me to go to hell, but I knew that wouldn't help matters, at all.

Go easy on her, I know you might feel the need to lash out at her, or anyone at this point, just know that it isn't her fault, remember that. She's suffering just as much as you, I know how she feels. Last spring was rough on all of us, you most of all. But she's your mother, and the only family you have, so love her, and let her know you're okay, even if you're not, before she worries herself to death.

Well, I wish I could tell you I was doing okay, that I'm better. I had the intention of lying to you, telling you about how great things were with me, but there would have been no point to that. To be honest I moped around for a while, feeling very sorry for myself, drinking entirely too much, before Shannon and Tomo kicked my ass and made me get moving again. It doesn't do good to dwell on the past, they say. Easier said then done, right?

Shit. I'm rambling, forgive me.

Anyway, you know I sold the house, my car as well, and I decided traveling would do me some good. I'll be away for who knows how long. I think I'll still be gone, but I'd love it if you wrote or called, if you're okay with it that is. Shannon will know where I am, if you want to get in touch. I'll understand if you don't want to, you need a chance to move forward, and I won't hinder that. But do know this, if you ever need anything, someone to talk to, advice, anything, do not hesitate to ask.

I love you Sadie, nothing will ever change that, I wish you the best in everything you do. Truly.

Forever your love, Jared

P.S. Conquer the world, Sadie Bell. And whatever happens, don't forget to smile. You have the most lovely smile, don't forget to use it.

Smiling, Jared neatly folded the pages up, and sealed the envelope. Writing her name on the front, he kissed it and hoped that when she read it, if she read it, she would feel the love he still had for her, the love he would always have.