Take Me Home

Niall pulled up to the curb in front of the flat I shared with my best friend and didn’t say anything as I made the motions of unbuckling my seatbelt. It was unusual for Niall to be so quiet, in the short time that I knew him I had observed that he loved to talk to people and he loved to listen to people talk to him. He was always engaged in conversation unless something was bothering him. The fact that he hadn’t said anything the entire drive and instead let the radio fill the silence was off-putting.

I bit my lip nervously as I placed my hand on the door handle, I was having an internal battle trying to decide if I should ask him if everything was okay or not. I eyed Niall cautiously, looking for any psychical sign of what was bothering him. His eyes were focused straight ahead of him, looking into the distance at nothing in particular and his mouth was set into a straight line.

“Niall,” I said quietly snapping him out of his daze. “are you okay?” I asked, silencing the part of me that just wanted to ignore his odd behavior and continue on my way.

“Yeah.” he smiled but it never reached his eyes and just as quickly as it appeared it was gone. “Why?”

“You’re really quiet.” I said plainly.

“Just tired.” Niall’s lips curled into a crooked smirk and he said “Usually you complain that I talk too much and when I’m quiet, you complain about that too. There is no winning with you is there?” he laughed but it sounded forced, it was his normal infectious laughter.

“I guess not.” I agreed, trying my best to smile but I think it came off as more of a scowl I pulled the door open and slid out, recoiling as the cold air hit me. “Thanks for the ride.” I muttered, while in the process of trying to close the door as gently as possible. The last thing I wanted to do was damage the vehicle that I was certain cost more than my entire life was worth. I paused only when Niall called my name, making me open the door slightly and peak in at him.

“Have a good Christmas.” He said quietly giving me a weak smile.

“Thanks.” I tried to situate my long brown hair as the wind blew it into my face. “You too.” I said and attempted to smile before I finally closed the door and scurried toward the door to get away from the cold.

After a long goodbye from Connor as Zayn stood patiently by the door, I was alone in the flat with very careful instructions to get my things and take a cab to Niall’s house where both Connor and Niall seemed to think was more ideal than staying in my own living quaters. Of course, I knew that I would probably never make it to Niall’s house as I felt it to be far too weird and uncomfortable to be creeping around his house like some kind of intruder. I didn’t feel comfortable to be there when he wasn’t, I knew there would be no way I could live there on my own for a week.

I ignored the instructions to head straight to Niall’s house. Instead I took a long shower and then headed straight to the bed, suddenly aware of how tired I had actually been from the previous night’s activities and my lack of sleep. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out like a light, pulled into a dream about the lake Connor and I used to visit when we were kids, I woke up in panic thinking that the buzzing I could hear was from the massive wasp that was chasing me in my dream. I sighed a breath of relief when I realized the buzzing was coming from my phone and not a giant wasp.

I grabbed my phone and laid back down as I answered the call, settling in to a comfortable position before croaking “Hello?” into the phone and falling back into a half asleep state before there was any response on the other end.

“Were you sleeping?” Niall asked.

“Mmhmm.” I made a sound into the phone, too tired to form actual words.

Niall laughed on the opposite end of the phone call “It’s nearly ten at night and you’re already asleep?”

I sighed, trying to convince myself to make words. “I didn’t sleep last night.” I reminded him, suddenly realizing he had informed me how long I had been sleeping. “And I’ve been sleeping all day and would have continued to sleep all night if you hadn’t called me.” I said grumpily into the phone, rolling so that I was lying flat on my back, my bed creaking in protest as I did so.

“Are you at mine?” Niall asked.

“Yeah.” I lied, trying to spare myself a lecture.

“No you’re not.” Niall said flatly. “None of my furniture creaks like that.”

“Leave my bed alone.” I mumbled, snuggling into the pile of blankets that I normally had to share with Connor. “It’s perfect.”

Niall laughed again “That’s not where you’re supposed to be though.”

“Niall…” I said tiredly, trailing off as I racked my brain for any excuse but I came up with nothing and just let a silence settle between us. I found myself slipping back into a light sleep, listening to the background noise of wherever Niall was mix with faint sound of his breathing.

“You fell asleep again, didn’t you?” he asked quietly but I could hear the smile in his voice. It made me jump in surprise, not expecting it as I was slowly being drawn into another dream.

“No.” I mumbled the lie into the phone, disoriented and not being able to think straight enough to provide the true answer.

“Goodnight, Lincoln.” Niall said softly.

“Goodnight, Niall.”

I woke up the on Christmas morning and went on with my day as I usually would. I went to work where I had to put up with tons of rude people who were in a rush to get home and celebrate Christmas with their families. You would expect people to be cheery and in a giving mood but they weren’t. Everyone seemed annoyed by how busy the bakery was and how short on staff we were.

Ignoring the calls I had received from both Niall and Connor, I went on my way and settled into the creaky bed that felt a lot bigger and a lot colder when I wasn’t sharing it with another person. After spending so many nights with someone sleeping beside you it was hard to fall asleep without the sound of them breathing or the warmth of their body. After an hour of lying awake, painfully aware of alone I was, I sat up with a sigh and looked around for something to do instead of lie in bed and think about the anniversary of my dad’s death all night.

I chewed on my lip in thought, considering the pros and cons of venturing all the way to Niall’s house in hopes that there would be a distraction there. I figured it was a waste of money to take a cab all the way there and then all the way back but at the same time it was better than sit around my own flat and letting my mind drift back to the memories of my dad dying in a car accident a few years prior. At least at Niall’s house there were multiple televisions to distract me from my own thoughts and the sounds of people to keep me company. That and unlike my own home, Niall’s was warm and full of food.

I found myself at Niall’s house in practically no time at all. I walked through his house after locking the door behind me and threw my set of keys on the kitchen counter. It was warm and quiet as usual. Alone, the usual quiet of his home seemed more eerie than comfortable. I looked around the kitchen only to find a wad of cash with the note that read ‘Use it.’ beside which cause me roll my eyes. It was typical Niall behavior to thrust money at me.

I left the money in the kitchen having no intention of taking it and made my way into the living room where I found that Niall had left the TV on, the sounds of Christmas movies playing softly but what really caught my attention was the huge tree in the corner of the room. Attached to the tree there was a note that read ‘Decorate me, Lincoln!’ and beside the tree there were so many ornaments and lights that I was certain that the tree would fall over if I tried to put all of them on there.

Smiling to myself, I couldn’t help but wonder when Niall had time to do this before he left. It was the distraction I needed to keep my mind off the sad memories of my dad. It was like Niall knew I would need something to distract me. Instead of the sad times, it reminded me of all the happy memories I had of my dad. He loved Christmas and decorating the tree. I set straight to work stringing lights around the tree just like my dad taught me, climbing on top of furniture to reach the top of the tree. Normally that was Ronan’s job in my family since he was the tallest, taking after my dad. I frowned to myself, realizing I had neglected to call my brother.

I put the three decorating on hold. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sat on Niall’s couch while I waited for my brother to answer, thankful for the time difference.

“Hello.”

“Merry Christmas!” I tried my hardest to sound cheerful and excited but I knew it wouldn’t fool Ronan, he practically raised me. He knew me better than anyone and I was certain that he could tell how miserable I was even though I tried my hardest to mask it.

“Merry Christmas!” he echoed and I closed my eyes, trying to create a mental image of his blue eyes that always lit up when he was happy but it was useless. I hadn’t seen him in such a long time that I couldn’t remember the exact color of his eyes of the way his lips curled into a smile.

“How is everyone?” I asked and by that I meant my entire family that was no doubt hanging around in the old plantation house as we spoke. I knew it was probably decked out for Christmas the way dad always had before he died.

“Everyone’s good. Sad you didn’t make it home this year.” He said referring to the plane ticket he had sent me that was sitting on the kitchen table at my flat. “You had to work though. We understand.” He said nicely but I knew what he really wanted to say was that he would have paid the next three years rent if I would just come home a little while.

“Yeah,” I said trying to blink back the tears that were welling up in my eyes. “Plus, I’m housesitting for a friend. I mailed your gifts so they should be there soon.” I rushed, making sure to notify my brother that the only three Christmas gifts I had purchased where in the post, on their way to Georgia. I always made sure to send my nephew gifts when I had the money. I wanted him to know that even though I wasn’t there, I still loved him.

“Oh,” Ronan said and I could hear the smile in his voice “I have someone who wants to talk to you.” I could hear rustling in the background and I could her Ronan coaching someone to continue and I squeezed my eyes tightly, trying to swallow the lump in my throat as I prepared for what was about to happen. I had been avoiding it since the day he was born.

“I love you, Aunt Lincoln.” the tiniest voice said through the phone.

I slapped my hand over my mouth to stop a sob from breaking through. I didn’t say anything. I was hit full force with the guilt of not being in his life, I hated myself for abandoning my family. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Fat tears rolled down my face while I tried my hardest keep my voice even “I love you too, buddy.” I tried to sound happy but I knew I had failed and once I heard the phone being shuffled from my nephew to my brother I hung up.

I left Niall’s Christmas tree half decorated as I threw myself down on the couch and broke down. I missed my brother. I missed my sister-in-law. I missed my dog. I never even met my nephew but I missed him too, especially after hearing his tiny little voice for the first time. I missed my aunts and uncles. I missed my cousins. I missed my grandfather. I missed my dad the most. Everyone else was just a phone call away but not my dad. No matter how much I missed them the fear of being home always kept me away. Away from my family and away from everything that made me feel close to my dad. I buried my face into the soft material of Niall’s couched and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, until I had cried myself asleep. Too exhausted to even make it home to my own bed, I slept on Niall's couch.