Landfill

I fell asleep on the couch with Ryan's throw blanket. He too fell asleep, behind me, his hand over my waist lazily. I had waken up to a commercial buzzing on TV, with a funny song, making me squirm and whine; I was too tired.

I yawned, looking around as I reached for the remote. I felt Ryan's thin body behind me, I could hear his light breathing, so I tried not to move too much. I changed the channel and turned the volume down.

A smile appeared on my face when I felt Ryan's arm encircle around my waist. I held my breath, feeling his face bury against my shoulder. He took in a deep breath, "Nikki." He said my name real soft.

"Hmm?" I hummed quietly, just as soft as he.

"I think..." He trailed softly, "I... I like this."

Those weren't the words he was going to say. The words he said were forcibly change to suit the situation. Though, I hadn't a clue as to what he was going to say. I bit my thumbnail, "Yeah... I'm comfortable." I murmured.

Ryan sighed, but didn't move. I wasn't sure as to what was going through his head. I wish I did know.

That's when it all came flooding back. The make out session in his friend's bedroom and he confessing how much he likes me. And when he said he wanted to be with me. I felt nervous. I kinda felt sick.

"You are great." Ryan whispered, bringing me back to reality.

I looked back at him, "How?"

He squeezed his arm around my middle, "You smell nice... You're warm. You're funny. You're pretty."

I blushed, my eyes moving towards the TV screen again. I hated to feel this way. I had no control, I wish I knew how to stop it.

"Do you not like yourself, Nikki?" He asked next.

"I like myself, I'm just... I don't think I'm cut out for relationship stuff. I can't ever be someone a guy wants."

"What do you think we want?"

"A wife. A mother... A woman who can take care of you," I began softly, "Spit out babies whenever you all command. I don't think I can do that. Babies terrify me..."

Ryan brushed my hair back, "I don't want a wife right now, and I sure as hell don't need a mother. Babies freak me out, and I take care of you, Nikki."

I smiled to myself, huffing outwardly, "Yeah, you're right."

"How are you with animals?"

I raised a brow, looking back at him, "I had a kitty once when I was 8... He ran away."

"What was his name?"

"Felix."

Ryan chuckled, "Did you get him as a gift?"

"Yeah. My dad brought him home for my 8th birthday. Felix ran away right before my 9th... I never saw him again. He was big, too," I continued, "I wasn't worried. He could look after himself, so I'm sure he has a nice little alley cat lifestyle."

Ryan pressed his lips to my shoulder, causing goosebumps to rise and me to bit down on my lip. I didn't say a word, I didn't even more as he continued to speak; "You can handle animals?"

"I guess so. Cats aren't too hard, they dominate their own lives."

"I'm not much of a cat person."

"Sucks to be you."

He laughed, "I mean, I've never had a desire to get an animal before. Taking care of small things frightens me."

"You take care of me." I pointed out.

"You're different. You talk back."

We both let out small laughs.

"So," He murmured after a moment of silence, "Do I have to tell you again?"

"Tell me what?"

"How much I like you?"

"Maybe..." I murmured.

Ryan wrapped his arms around me, "I like you a lot and I want to be with you," he said into my ear, "I want to kiss you and hold your hand. I want to sleep in the same bed as you and hold you like this every single night."

His rapid speech caused my throat to tighten. I wasn't sure what to say. I must've taken too long to generate a response, because Ryan twisted me around, so he was lying on his back and I was atop of him. I looked down at him, trying to formulate words. Ryan sat up, his back against the arm of the couch and couch pillows; "Nikki?"

I exhaled through my nose, "Don't make fun of me if I don't know how to do this, okay? I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 17."

Ryan smiled, and then pressed his lips to mine quickly. I felt the grin twisting in my face, I couldn't suppress it any longer, so I let it free. I rested my head against Ryan's chest, listening to his heart thump. I couldn't believe how easy and good this would be. I liked Ryan, too... A lot.


It was a bit odd that Ryan was now my boyfriend. We spent the majority of that morning eating and watching crummy cartoons. We didn't talk much, but the silence wasn't awkward. It was like spending an afternoon with myself. No, more like with a best friend.

Ryan knew me too well, and it was comforting. I didn't have to adjust to him. Things between us came easy and without an acknowledgment or effort.

The following days were the same, but with a lot more sleeping together in my or his bed. Sometimes the couch if we wanted to eat and watch movies. The mornings were the same; he'd get up and make breakfast and then he'd leave for work. I spent the afternoons reading and, surprisingly, writing tidbits of things, here and there. I finally beat that writer's block with a bat.

The bat in form of Ryan Ross.

Whenever he'd come home, I always smiled. I knew his steps; he almost dragged his feet when he walked. He always had at least one hand in his pocket when he walked through the door. I made sure to look whenever he did come in. And then, he'd walk over to me on the couch, plop down and kiss my cheek.

I didn't know what it was, but it was forming this sickly-gooey feeling in my chest. I couldn't entirely explain it, even if I had wanted to. I had no clue what it was.

I said this to Elaine on a visit to her house one afternoon. Ryan had gone to visit Brendon, while I had was with Elaine. Her eyes shot over to me; "It's called love, you idiot."

I furrowed my brow, "That's not love."

"Have you ever been in love? That's love, Nikki."

I frowned at Elaine, "No."

"Yes."

I looked out the window of her apartment, seeing the kids in the streets running around. The thought spun in my head like the spokes of wheels, "No."

"Nicole, you're in love with Ryan. That's pretty fast too. You guys been together for like... What, three weeks now?"

I gave a small nod; "We met in the middle of summer."

Elaine smiled, "See? That's love. That gooey feeling is love. The way you know his steps and sleep in his shirts. It's love."

I hated how right Elaine was. I sighed, "Whatever you say."

"If you don't think so, just ask him."

"I can't!" I exclaimed, "He'll think I'm weird--"

She cut me off, "Isn't that why he likes you?"

I smiled, I placed a hand over it, "Yes."

"Then just tell him. You don't have to say you love him, just say that you have love for him."

I dropped my hand, "You think so?"

She nodded, "Yep."

I sighed again, "Oh, dammit, Ryan... Why?"