Landfill

Little Jimmy had happily pawed his way into the small bed Ryan had gotten him. He curled up there, sleeping happily after Ryan and I had a few drinks. We didn't do much but watch Fight Club and then moved onto watching some show.

I was laying my head against Ryan's shoulder, my arms around his, my legs pulled up. I was a little tipsy, but I was coherent, and I was feeling the need to be even closer to him. My swollen heart was at ease, but my head wanted Ryan closer, to feel what I felt. I looked up at him finally, his eyes were on the TV, but I knew he wasn't watching. I got closer and proceeded to kiss beneath his jaw, up towards his cheek.

Ryan gave a small laugh, "What do you think you're doing?"

I moved to straddle his lap, "I don't know, honestly,"

Ryan placed his hands on my hips, looking at me, "I don't want to do anything you don't want to, sweetheart."

It was almost comical how much he spoke like one of those boys from a movie. The boy who longed for the heroine to see him. I could hardly stand it, I was not use to a boy this way. Boys I've dated were all jokes and didn't know how to speak to a girl without it being grotesque. I never thought about it too much before... I liked it.

"I don't..." I murmured as my voice trailed, "Uh, I don't want to have sex."

Ryan gave a small nod, his hands rubbing my sides over my top, "I understand."

"I just want to kiss you," I told him shyly -butterflies fluttered in my gut- "Thats all."

Ryan leaned forward and kissed me gently. I kissed back, my hands placed firmly on his shoulders. I felt more in love with him in that moment and it was scary. It was almost as if I were free falling and I didn't know when to pull my parachute cord. I didn't care; I wanted to hit the ground with him.

What worse damage could I do? I was already in love with him. Despite the need to not do such a foolish thing. I already had and there was no turning back. Still, I did not mind, I wanted to love Ryan.

I craved it. I craved to love someone. I never fully realized it until I was here; in his lap, kissing him like I needed him to live. So many years of focusing on words and literature, I never let myself love anyone but books and words. So many years I was lonely; the loneliness that I carried on from childhood.

I pulled back from Ryan, watching his eyes flutter open. I sighed, "Ryan, I really have to tell you something."

His right hand lazily rubbed up my side. His fingers tugged at my tank top just as lazy and slow. "What is it?" He asked curiously.

I licked my lips, "I... I don't know how to explain this so easily."

"Are you alright? Is something wrong?"

I nodded slowly, my hands moved up to his neck, "Okay, I need to say this, and I need you to listen. I don't want you to laugh or make fun of me, alright?"

"I wouldn't laugh," he answered, "I mean, unless you're telling me a joke."

He and I smiled at one another. My heart was beginning to swell again. I needed to tell him before I lost nerve.

"Ryan, I've come to... Realize that..." I exhaled, "That I, um... I've grown strong feelings for you."

Ryan and I kept eye contact. I found the strength to finally say the words. I exhaled again; "I know it's all so sudden, but I think I'm in love."

He raised a brow, a smile tugged at his lips. I waited for him to laugh at my silly feelings. I dreaded to hear his husky little laugh.

"You're in love." He stated quietly.

No laughter.

"Yes. With you." I replied quickly. "I know it's stupid, but I--"

He pressed his lips to mine, silencing my fumbling mouth. He kissed me so sweetly, I nearly fell over. We broke away, looking at each other again. "It's not stupid, because I feel it too." He murmured.

I almost threw up. No, my heart exploded. I let out a soft groan, "Oh my God."

"What?" He asked quickly.

"I think my heart exploded."

Ryan chuckled and kissed my cheek, "Don't die."

I rolled my eyes, kissing the side of his head, "No way."

Ryan pulled me closer to him, rolling onto his back with me on top of him. His hand moved up to brush my hair away, and to kiss my face. He actually showered my face in sweet kisses, causing my heart to slow down.

His hands wrapped around my back, letting my rest my cheek to his chest. His heart thump rhythmically against my ear. "I love you, too, Nikki."

I couldn't say the words. They felt so foreign, and I felt scared. I never said those words before. Not even to my mom. I never ever said: I love you to another being. Quick love yous but never all together. I don't know why, they just made me feel nervous.

I wanted to say it, but I was too much of a coward.