Landfill

He said it so fast, I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. I blinked rapidly, "Excuse me?"

Ryan sighed, "Will. You. Marry. Me, Nikki." He said slowly, his cheeks burning red.

I stared at him, again, blinking like a ditz; "Marry you?"

"Yes," he smiled, "We're speaking the same language, ain't we?"

I let it process in my head. I'm always a thinker. I think too much when I'm asked big questions. This question was big and it scared me. I swallowed thickly, "But... We've only been together for less than 4 months."

"I'm not asking you to elope with me tonight." He laughed softly, his arms circling around my waist, hands met and laced on my lower back. "I'm asking you to marry me someday... Months from now. Possibly years."

I exhaled, "Wow."

Ryan was full of laughter. He kissed my lips quickly, gently; "You can say no if you want."

"That's not what girls do." I pointed out. "I'm suppose to be screaming at the top of my lungs and sobbing like an infant. I should be grabbing the phone and calling my mom."

Ryan nuzzled his face against my cheek, resting in the crook of my neck, "I already asked your dad for permission."

A smile tugged at my lips, his breath tickled my skin, "What'd he say?"

"Good luck."

We both shared a laugh; I wrapped my arms around his back, pressing my forehead against his shoulder. We both calmed down after a moment, in the kitchen together silent. I licked over my lips, pulling my head away from him and running my fingers down his boney spine; "Yes." I murmured.

Ryan, too, lifted his head and looked at me. His large eyes looking me over, "Yes?"

"Yes, yes." I said funnily, smiling.

His hands moved up to cup my jaw and kissed my lips. A deep, sweet passionate kiss that had my heart fluttering. I never felt so calm and happy before; this feeling was euphoric, and I don't know if it holds a candle to sex.

We broke our kiss, our foreheads pressing together; I could smell the smoke scent of coffee and mint gum on him. The scent sent a buzz to my head, like bees protecting a hive. My heart rattled, my hands felt clammy.

"This tops the gift I got you for Christmas." I said after a moment of comfortable silence.

He smiled again, "We'll see."

"I didn't spend hundreds of dollars like you," I began, "Just $26."

"I'm sure I'll love it."

"You better." I kissed him again; a small one.

He pulled back, "I will. Promise." He looked over and saw the records beside me, "What else did you get?"

His hands left my body to grab the large black plastic bag from the record store. He pulled the records out, "Closer. This was my favorite tape when I was in grade school. This nanny I had played it on my dad's stereo a lot; I think I know all the songs by heart."

"I don't listen to much Joy Division." He said, looking over the cover.

"They're great. After Ian Curtis passed -he's the lead singer- the other 3 members started another band called New Order. They aren't as amazing as Joy Division, but they're pretty good."

Ryan smiled at me, shaking his head, "You do know more than just books."

I smirked at him, "I listened to some music before I met you, Ryan."

He chuckled, "I'm just sayin', baby, you're more of a bookworm than a rock and roller."

"And you are?"

He nodded, "I do own a leather jacket."

I rolled my eyes playfully at him, "Yeah, yeah, Joey Ramone."

"Go put this and I'll call for Chinese."

Ryan stepped back so I could hop off the counter. I took the records, seeing him eye the festively wrapped one; I waved the record at him, "18 more days and you'll know."

"Don't tease me." He muttered with a small smirk.

"Too late." I said as I left the kitchen.


Ryan put Closer on repeat, side B; he's obsessed with Love Will Tear Us Apart. Not even Passover or An Means to An End couldn't sway him. Love Will Tear Us Apart filled our apartment for hours.

We shared a cigarette, after eating, and listened to Love Will Tear Us Apart. I was falling head over heels, over and over again. My stomach in tangles, and my mind buzzing like a swarm of hummingbirds.

"Why do you like this song so much?" I asked him when he finally turned the record player off.

Ryan put the record in it's sleeve and away with the rest. He came back to me, snubbing out the cigarette in the ashtray on the coffee table. "I don't know, I just do... It'll probably always remind me of you now."

He sat with me, laying me across his lap, his hand in my stomach. I smiled up at him, my fingers curling over the fabric of his shirt. "I can't believe you've never heard it before."

"I was a punk rock kid when I was younger," he laughed, his left hand twirled my hair sprayed on his knees. "I barely started listening to all these other bands... Joy Division was on the list."

Jimmy purred as he jumped onto the couch and pawed onto my lap. He curled up by Ryan's hand, who in turn began to pet him. Ryan looked so lost and happy when I looked up at him again. There was this look that made me notice; "Ryan?" I hummed his name softly.

He licked over his bottom lip, "Yeah?"

"What's with the look?" I asked.

He looked down at me; "I'm happy. Y'know... I kinda got my own little family."

I smiled at him, blushing slightly. "Me and Jimmy?"

He nodded, chuckling to himself, "It's dumb, I know, sweetheart."

"It's not dumb," I sat up, taking Jimmy into my arms and cradling him. "It's sweet."

Ryan wrapped his arm around my shoulder; "I've been searching for this feeling for a long damn time." He murmured against my temple as he kissed the side of my head. "I nearly gave up when I finally met you."

It made my heart swell with love and a little bit of pride. Admiration, is more like it. At the exact same time, I felt sorrow for Ryan. He felt so lost and without love for a long time. I never experienced these feelings before, and here he was looking for it, when I didn't even know these had exist.

"I really need to ask you something, Nikki." He said a moment later, "A real... Real, curious question."

I pet Jimmy, my right arm encircled around Ryan's middle. "What is it? You can ask me anything."

He swallowed, I felt his chest move slightly. I could hear the soft beat of his heart close to my ear as I curled closer to him. He let out a small breath, "If you found out something terrible about me, would you hate me?"

I looked up at him now, deeply confused; "Like what? If you hurt someone?"

"Yeah." He answered softly.

"It depends." I replied truthfully.

"If I was like those guys that took my shit," he began. "If I did that kind of stuff."

I sat up, moving away from him slightly. My hear filled with questions and my heart was beginning to sink. "Do you? Do you do that?" Jimmy jumped off my lap and went away, towards my bedroom.

Ryan shook his head, "No, no. I'm just giving you an example."

"What do you do, then? What're you trying to tell me?" I questioned eagerly.

He sighed, "Forget it--"

"No, I want to know," I knelt on my knees, looking at him. "What is it?"

Ryan shook his head, "I can't tell you right now, Nick. I will tell you one day--"

I shook my head, "Tell me now."

"Nikki, please? Just wait--"

I got off the couch, "Is this why you were robbed? What do you do? Are you some thug?" I asked in a deeply frustrated tone. "Did you hurt someone? Is someone seeking revenge against you?"

Ryan stood up, too, now, "No. No, I was just asking you a question. I wanted to know--"

"You can't take it back." I told him pointedly. "Tell me, Ryan. I won't look at you any different." I was desperate.

Desperate, nervous, scared, sick, and in love. I was a big hurricane of emotions in a petite, unhealthy body. I was sure I'd have a heart attack if he didn't tell me.

"Baby," he came towards me, "I can see your heart beating."

Ryan pressed his right palm to my breast bone, my chest. My heart thumped fast and hard against his palm. I felt sick, I was scared and I didn't get why my emotions were so forward at that moment.

"I'm gonna throw up." I told him.

Ryan wrapped his arms around me and nearly carried me to the bathroom. He held my hair back as I knelt against my toilet and began to heave my dinner. Never had I felt emotion like this before.