Landfill

I stayed in the bathroom long after my body was dry beneath the cotton white towel around my body. I played with the droplets of cold water rolling down the strands of my hair, falling down the length of my arm. I didn't hear Ryan at all, the only sound was the heater filling the room just outside the door.

Finally, I got off the edge of the tub and to the door. The light shimmered against the ring Ryan had given me; the diamond seemed to glow, taunting me. I lifted my left hand and wiggled the ring off easily, holding it between my fingers. The significance of it was suppose to be love and happiness, a happy future. All I saw in the edges and cuts of the diamond were lies and deceit and hurt.

I dropped my hand and opened the door, holding the ring still. The smell of cigarette smoke caught me; Ryan was sitting at the small table, smoking, holding it in. He looked over and at me and stood; his hair was disheveled, his undershirt wrinkled and half way tucked into his sweats. He fingers removed his cigarette, crushing it into the plate of my half eaten food from the last night.

I walked over towards him, stopping short. "I can't do this." I told him. "I won't. I couldn't live with myself if you got hurt or went to prison or something," I rambled; this all sounded better in my head. "I love you, but I won't love you to death."

Ryan just stared at me. His eyes on me, his lips parted. I stuck out my hand, holding the ring, "Take it."

Ryan's eyes moved down toward my hand; his head shook from side to side. "No."

"Take it." I dangle it at him. "Please."

Ryan shook his head again, "I said no."

"Take it!" I snapped, "Take it! Take it!"

Ryan grabbed my arm and pulled me toward him, smothering me into a hug. I dropped the ring, it ringed against the table. I fought his embrace and shoved him away, my towel falling in the process, but I did nothing about it.

"You're a son of a bitch!" I cried, "Leave me alone!"

He sighed deeply and loudly. I turned away, going to my bag and grabbed whatever would cover me up. I managed to get my bra and underwear on, and then jeans and a plain white shirt. My hands shook when I finally sat and grabbed my brush. Ryan still stood, but stepped towards me once I was sitting.

He knelt on the floor in front of me. I almost felt sorry, at the way he looked and took my hand; "Nikki, I'm sorry."

"You're not sorry," I spat, "You're only sorry that I reacted this way. If you could keep it a secret, if I could still be such an idiot, you'd like it that way, wouldn't you?"

The silence said it all. The blank look across his face. It was true; he was only sorry that I was upset, not for what he's done.

"No, I wouldn't."

"You're a liar," I narrowed my eyes at him, my voice lowered, "You're a goddamn liar."

Ryan didn't say anything else. I ripped my hand away, and looked away from him. I wanted him to leave; leave me alone.

"What do you want me to do?" He asked this desperately, "I'll give you every and anything you want."

"I want you to leave me alone." I shot my eyes at him, "Get away from me."

Ryan stood, "What did I do wrong?"

I glared at him again, "You lied to me! You're a murderer!"

He looked up at the ceiling in a way that let me know he was annoyed. As if he's heard it all before.

"You killed someone for robbing you!" I shot up, causing him to look at me again, "You're... You're a fucking monster!" I shook my head then, in disbelief, "I... I can't..." I was at a loss for words, "I can't be near you."

"I'm not leaving."

"Then I'll go," I muttered, "I'll leave. I'll go."

He grabbed my arm before I could even get the final words out, "No. You're not going anywhere."

I pulled away from him, "You don't get to tell me what to do! You can't treat me like I'm some fucking animal! I'm not gonna stay here with you, I'm not gonna be with some murderous drug peddler who can't get a real job!"

I half expected Ryan to smack me. The silence, the thick tension made it seem like a movie. The inevitable backhand was overdue, but Ryan did nothing.

"I love you, Nikki." He murmured, his eyes on me. "I love you so much. I need you."

"Bullshit." The words flew from my mouth. "It's bullshit! If you needed me, you wouldn't have done what you have! You wouldn't have lied, you would've been honest--"

"If I had been honest, told you I sold dope to people, would you have given me a second glance?"

"No!" I answered truthfully, "No! No, I wouldn't, you're killing people; slowly, with poison."

"And that makes you better? You smoke cigarettes, you drink--"

"That shit isn't illegal! I won't go to prison for smoking a cigarette!"

"There isn't much of a goddamn difference!" Ryan's eyes turned dark, hard, emotionless. He grabbed my shoulders, pushing me against the bed until the back of my knees hit them and I was sitting down forcibly. "And I did what I had to do for you! I did think about you, Nicole! I thought about those three assholes coming into the apartment and hurting you. I don't regret blowing their brains out. Not once did I regret it; not while I prepared to do it and most certainly not after."

My body shook as he knelt and got into my face, almost straddling me, "Get away." My voice trembled.

"You think I only do what I do for myself? No, I think about you. I spend all night thinking about you," his breath smelt of tobacco and made me crave a cigarette. "You're the only thing I give two fucks about these days, and I would do it all again. I'll keep doing it to, and you'll have to deal with it."

I put my hands to his chest, "I'm not doing anything! You aren't above me, you can't and won't tell me what to do!"

Ryan grabbed my wrist, pinning them against the bed, my back shoved against the crumbled and unmade sheets and blanket. My hands were on either side of my head, his hands holding my wrist down, "I'm not letting you go."

I was going to cry again. I fought him, "Get off!" I screamed, thrashing around, "Leave me alone!"

I was full on sobbing, crying. Ryan still held me down, but he didn't do anything. I shut my eyes tight, crying so hard, my face hurt, along with my head. Finally, what felt like ages, his hands released my wrist and he got off me.

I curled up, crying against my knees. My arms wrapped around my legs and I let myself sob with frustration and hurt. Tears soaked my shirt and my skin; I felt like I was dying, I could barely breathe.

I stopped when I heard the door slam shut. I jumped in my position and stopped my crying and sobbing. I looked up, blurry, teary and painful eyes; Ryan was gone from the fog of my sight.