Landfill

We checked out and were on the road again, crossed in silence. The radio was off, the tires hit the fresh puddles in potholes. Ryan didn't seem to notice. He didn't notice much of anything but the exits and turns. I looked at him, the scenery rushing by as he sped; "Who's hurt?"

"Brendon." He said quietly, "Bullet grazed his knee. He's fine."

"Could've been you." I muttered as I looked forward.

"Well, it wasn't." He replied sharply.

"But, you understand what I mean, don't you?" I questioned angrily, "You could get hurt--"

"It's not forever." He spat, "Nick, relax."

I threw my arms up, "Fuck! It's like talking to goddamn brick wall! Do you want to get hurt?"

Ryan didn't respond. He kept his eyes forward, his hands in the steering wheel and his mouth shut tight.

"God, you're an ass," I spat. "You're selfish and you're stubborn."

It got quiet again, and I crossed my arms, looking out the window. Ryan let out a sigh; "Calm down, alright?"

I shot my eyes at him, "Fuck you, Ryan. Fuck you."

I never felt so angry before. I was pissed off; his nonchalant behavior at the moment and the way he kept telling me to calm down. I wanted to hit him again, to possibly smack some sense into him.

But, we remained quiet. He never responded to my outburst. He drove and drove and I slept, not speaking to him.


We got back to Nevada early in the next morning, stopping only once to eat and use a restroom. We still didn't talk; it was amazing how we didn't interact, we just got some food at a gas station, paid and continued on. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk, I just had nothing to say. I was exhausted; emotionally, and I feared what was waiting for us when we got home.

Ryan drove towards our familiar street, and I opened my mouth, "Take me to my parents."

He looked over at me, "What about Jimmy?"

I sighed and didn't reply. Ryan kept on the path.

I did miss Jimmy. The poor thing, I felt terrible about forgetting about him. And, even then, I thought about how much Jimmy would remind me of Ryan.

Everything would remind me of him.

And, I hated him right then. So many strikes were against him. I hated him. I couldn't even look at him. He made me feel terrible inside, and stupid, and angry.

When we got to the apartment, Ryan parked around the side. I was still, unmoving, inside the car; I thought about what could be up there in my former safe haven. Ryan didn't move either, he had shut the engine off and pulled the keys out; they set in his hands, on his lap.

"I have to go see Brendon." Ryan muttered quietly; the words just flopped out of his mouth.

I put my hand on the door handle, "Don't come back." I said as I opened the door, "I mean it. I'll be gone in a few hours, you can come by tomorrow."

"Nikki--"

I climbed out and then opened the back passenger side door and grabbed my bags. Ryan was saying something, but I didn't bother to listen. I hiked the straps onto each of my arms and went inside the building.

I was fidgety as I rode the elevator, feeling sick. That's all I felt since I left and had come back; sick. I wish it would go away, I wanted to feel like myself again.

The elevator doors opened and I hurried out and down the hall. The steps were quick, but my legs felt like lead. I stopped in front of the door; the chipped red paint was just as I had left it. My hand shook as I pulled my keys from a pocket on my purse, and grabbed the correct key. I turned the lock and then pushed the door open.

The apartment was warm, and I could smell food and the TV was going. I walked in and shut the door behind me; "Hello?"

I heard shuffling on the couch, and then a muffled call of my name. Spencer and Elaine appeared, both had food in their mouths and looked very happy. This made me feel even more down.

"Hey," Elaine said as she swallowed her food. Her eyes scanned my face, "Are you all right, Nick?"

I shook my head, "Can you guys, uh, clean up and go?"

Elaine looked at Spencer, he at her, and then back at me; "Sure. But, is everything okay, Nikki?"

"No. I'll tell you later." I said to her.

Elaine and Spencer disappeared back into the living room and I went to my bedroom. I dropped my bags by my dresser and turned towards my bed; it was made, and Jimmy was curled up on one of my pillows. I smiled, happy to see my little baby there; "Jimmy," I purred his name as sat down. He got up and pawed over towards me, rubbing his side against my arm, "I missed you."

Jimmy hopped into my lap and I pet him, feeling at ease. I exhaled and let my brain turn off, focusing on petting. But, as soon as I was at ease, Elaine came in, knocking on my opened bedroom door; "Nikki, Spencer's gonna go. Do you want me to leave too?"

I nodded, "I'm sorry I'm being a bitch, but I want to be alone. I promise to call you."

Elaine stepped in, standing a few feet from me. Her eyes met mine, "Come over when you're ready. I'd rather have you over than a phone call. We can have drinks."

I smiled, faintly, at my friend, "Thanks."

"No problem. The door will be open, honey." Elaine stepped the few feet to me and gave me a hug. It was small, but she meant it; Jimmy mewled and she pulled back, "Bring Jim too."

"I will... I have to."

Elaine exhaled, "I'll see you soon?"

"Yes."

"Good. Eat something."

I nodded again, watching her leave my bedroom. I heard the front door shut and then lock; Elaine always does that when she watches my apartment and I come home. She says she's protecting me; she's my best friend.

I tried not to let myself cry. I couldn't imagine crying again; I hate the way my face get raw and the sound of my strangling sobs. I have forgotten what it was like not to feel for someone.