Landfill

I cradled Jimmy as I walked around my apartment, looking things over. I had three packages waiting for me on the counter, and some other white envelopes. I knew the packages were the scripts, and they were the last thing on my mind.

I petted Jimmy's fur, and looked around the kitchen; I literally felt lost. The feeling was torturous, I felt as if my world was turned upside down. I leaned against the counter, exhaling and letting the tears fall; they were there, waiting for the change to make me weak.

It took several minutes before I could stop my tears. I set Jimmy down and returned to my bedroom to clean myself up and change. I took a quick shower, dried off and slipped on some clothes, something comfortable and clean. After, I picked up Jimmy and grabbed the scripts, stuffing them into my bag, and headed out.

I managed to keep my thoughts clear as I maneuvered down the stairs, instead of the elevator, and out the building. The sights and sounds of my city didn't feel the same; it was as if Ryan tainted it all for me. I wished we could return to back how we were; how life was before. Nothing felt the same. It was a big smack in the face.

Still, I forced myself to not think about it. It was useful to hum and pet Jimmy. I got to Elaine's just before the sun began to set, and I knocked.

Elaine opened the door a moment later, looking me over, "It was opened."

"I forgot." I mumbled.

Elaine patted my back, rubbing it too; "Set Jimmy down and let him play with Oliver."

I set Jimmy on the floor and watched him waltz off somewhere; possibly to find Elaine's old cat. I exhaled and sat down on the couch, threading my fingers through my hair repeatedly.

"So, what happened?" Elaine sat next to me, "It looks pretty... Heavy."

I shook my head, trying to think of how to say the right words. To tell my friend that maybe I was going crazy. That my heart was broken and I didn't know how to explain it into the precise way.

"Ryan," I said his name slowly; it felt bitter on my tongue. "He takes me to California, right, and I think it's going to be a nice trip. He said it was like a Christmas gift."

Elaine nodded, "Uh-huh, and?"

I rubbed my eyes, sat back and exhaled, "He's... He's, uh--" I stopped and tried to think again.

"Is he cheating on you?"

I looked at Elaine with narrowed eyes, and then thought about it. A hollow laughed escaped my lips; how that would be so much better. Ryan cheating; that'd be better, so, so much better.

"Far from that, E." I rubbed my eyes again, trying to fight back the tears.

"You look... Hurt," Elaine spaced her wording, "You look like a heap of sadness."

I smiled at her, a faint one, "That's what I am."

Elaine adjusted her seating and then her hand flacked through the ends of her short crop of pink hair; "You don't need to tell me, but I'd like to know what happened, Nikki."

I closed my eyes, again, exhaling. I opened my eyes and looked to her, "Ryan is a drug dealer."

Elaine's brow furrowed, "What? A drug dealer?"

"Yeah. He's got money and... Goddammit, it's complicated."

Elaine was silent for a moment, and then her eyes widened, "Was he the one on the corner? That guy I saw?"

I shrugged, "Most likely."

She cupped her mouth for a few seconds before looking at me with a tilt of her head, "Wow."

"Wow, indeed," I muttered sardonically. I ran a hand down my face, unsure of what to say next. "I broke up with him." The announcement was blurted out.

"Good," Elaine nodded agreeably, "He's an idiot. Did you guys see what's been going on with these dealers and shit? People are dying."

"I told him all that," I exhaled, "I cried and I--" I stopped short, "Goddammit, I love him so much... I hate him for this."

"What did he say?"

"I begged him, E. I begged him to stop and he said he couldn't. He has a lot of fuckin' money, and he's hiding it."

"Why?"

I began the tale Ryan had spilled to me. I told her everything; everything that he and I both said. I told her about the ring, the thugs, Ryan murdering them. Every bit that was inside my head, ringing, begging to be told. Elaine just looked at me.

"Holy shit, Nikki." She seemed breathless.

"I have to move."

Elaine frowned slightly; "Running away isn't going to help."

"Someone could come in a hurt me or him. What else am I suppose to do?"

She tweaked her lips, "You could crash here for awhile. I don't mind it."

"Thanks. I need to... I need to get some stuff. Do you mind if I leave Jimmy?"

"Not at all." Elaine patted my back, "Go do what you have to and come back. If you need me, just ring."

We both stood, "I will."

Elaine stepped forward and wrapped her arms, gently around me back. I nearly began to cry again; I hugged her back, thanking her.

"Just go, Nick. The door will be open."


I returned to the apartment, still hesitant to open the door. My fingers trailed on the door knob. A minute passed before I gripped the knob and opened the door.

I could hear shuffling, and I knew he was inside. I looked around; he was in his room; my eyes fixated on the room; door open and the sound of his shoes on the hardwood flooring. I stepped in and shut the door; the shuffling stopped.

"Nicole?" Ryan said my name desperately, and quickly emerged from the bedroom.

My feet would not move. I was struck dumb, standing there, unsure of what to do. Ryan met me a few feet; he looked so tired and sad; like a dog. A puppy without a home. Like one of those wounded dogs you see in the ASPCA commercials.

"I came for some clothes. I'm staying... Somewhere else." I was careful not to say I was staying at Elaine's.

"Can we talk?" His eyes fluttered rapidly.

"No." I turned away and started towards my bedroom, but Ryan grabbed me. "Let go of my arm."

He whipped me around, "Nikki, please, I need you."

I pulled hard away from him, "Too bad!"

"Please!" He begged, "You shouldn't... I don't want you to leave me."

My stomach was in knots. I stepped backward; "I told you I don't want to lose you. You could get hurt and end up paralyzed. You could die! I'm... I don't want that! I love you too much to see it; so, it's best if we just end it now."

Ryan stared blankly at me. Then, he looked angry; the raise of his brows and the snarl, his eyes dark; "You say I'm selfish?"

"Yes!" I shot back before he could say anything, "I care about you, I want you to live!"

Ryan's anger wiped away; "I said I'd stop."

"You don't what'll happen between now and the moment you quit." I blinked as the tears began to rush to the surface, "I won't gamble with that."

Ryan ran a hand through his hair, "Goddammit."

I turned again, heading to my room, and Ryan didn't stop me. I went to my bags and began to dump them out. The clean clothes I had packed fell out and I grabbed what I needed.

It wasn't long before I felt him standing there behind me. I sighed deeply, choosing not to say a word. I grabbed my bag and saw him standing there, "Nick, please know how sorry I am."

I gave him a small nod, "I know you are. But, it doesn't change how I feel."

Ryan took a few steps towards me, the proximity was close. The tips of his shoes touched my own boots. We looked up at each other, the fire in his eyes was hypnotizing, I couldn't bring myself to move -yet again. He lent forward, slowly, tilting his head to kiss my lips. My heart raced, feeling his tongue trace along the inside of my lips.

I breathed in and didn't fight it. I was so in love, it made everything around me disappear.