Landfill

I couldn't take it. The rush of wanting him and hating him. It was like falling into a landfill and trying to crawl back up, but Ryan was filling it. Filling the hole, trying to kill me.

I couldn't stand it any longer.

I put my hands to his chest and pushed him away. Our lips made an audible smack, and I stepped back. "I'm leaving." I wiped my mouth as I spoke.

"Don't, please," Ryan exhaled heavily, "Please, Nick."

I shook my head and grabbed my bag, "Goodbye Ryan." I began to leave, but he snatched my arm.

I looked at him, pulling my arm back, but he had a firm grip. "What do you want me to do?" He questioned desperately.

"To let go of my arm!"

I was so over his desperate attempts. I was sick of his sorries and his expels of love for me. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Nikki--"

"Stop!" I pulled my arm back, he relented easily, "Leave me alone! I can't do this with you. I need space. I need to be away from you for awhile."

Ryan shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. I took the opportunity to leave; I jetted out the door as quickly as I could. I didn't look back, I took the stairs, rushing down them, nearly tripping over my own flimsy feet.

I got to the bottom, left out the doors and out to the street. The world, my world, was a blur, rushing down the street. I must've looked a sight; a boho woman rushing away, running away from her problems.

This woman with tears running down her cheeks; her mascara running, already a mess. She must look like a sadden raccoon with her large clothes; baggy shirt and sagging jeans and a large black sweater with it's old fashion white patterned; it was fashioned for an older woman. Her hair around her face, trying to hide her hurt and her shame and idiocy.

Damn, how could I be so stupid?

That's all that popped into my head. God, I felt so stupid. Surprisingly, I didn't cry at all; I just felt sick and tired.

I got to Elaine's, going in, not speaking a word. I fell onto the couch, Elaine had been in her kitchen; "Nikki, I made some food."

My breathing was heavy, coming out in pants. I felt tired, so sick, so... In an emotional limbo. I wanted to vomit, I didn't understand.

"Nikki, what's wrong?" Elaine had two bowls of food.

The smell made me even sicker. I couldn't imagine eating anything at that moment. I stood up and rushed to the bathroom, kneeling to the porcelain god and heaved nothing but toast I had earlier.

I heard Elaine step in and turn the sink on. I couldn't move, I was a sack of emotion. I couldn't even fathom the idea of moving in that moment.

"Nick, get up," Elaine said softly, kneeling beside me. "Come on, honey."

I exhaled, my legs shaking as I stood. "I never felt like this before."

Elaine pressed the end of a damp towel to my flushed face; "You're in love and your heart is broken."

"Who throws up when their heart is broken?"

"People who love so much that they can't contain it."

Tears began to form, rushing down my cheeks. I just cried. I didn't care anymore, I cried like a small injured child.

"I'm sorry, Nicole," Elaine wrapped her arms around me, "I know it hurts right now, but it'll get better. It always gets better."

I shook my head, "When? When will it get better, E? I... I need to know."

Elaine exhaled, "I don't know really. But, soon. The sooner you heal yourself, the sooner the hurt will stop."

I didn't retort or speak. Elaine fixed me up; helping me stand, brush my teeth and making me eat the chicken soup she made. I never objected anything Elaine gave me; I didn't mind it at all. I figured that this is what I needed. I needed to be taken care of by someone other than Ryan.


It was maybe 3 days of me lying on Elaine's couch to make me realize what I was feeling was stupid. I was naive in this relationship with Ryan. I was too blind, too infatuated with him to see that obvious signs of it all.

Maybe they weren't obvious, but I should've known that something was up.

I got up off of Elaine's couch and checked my phone. I had spent the 3 days watching TV and having Elaine feed me. She didn't kick me in the pants because she knew how I was feeling. But, aside from that, I ignored my phone; I shut it off, even taking the battery out of it. When I turned it on, I had dozens upon dozens of missed calls and messages; I skimmed through them; most were Ryan, and others were friends, my mom and Molly.

I didn't call anyone back, I just shut it off and got up. Elaine had gone to work, so it was just me and the cats. I went to take a shower, make my return to my apartment and make arrangements to move. I felt a lot better, having a revelation about my stupid decisions. I needed to get up and stop crying.

I dressed, simple t-shirt, jeans and boots. I pulled on my coat, making sure the cats had food, and headed out. I took in a deep breath as I exited; I made my way out to the block and the familiar route to my home.

My mind was completely blank as I walked. No thought whatsoever.

I got to my apartment, and head inside. I took the elevator up, ignoring my surroundings. I wanted to keep my head as empty as possible.

Once the elevator got to my floor, I walked out, slowly. My footsteps were heavy, and the door seem to far away. I exhaled, my feet pushing my there; I grabbed my keys from my pocket and unlocked my door. I pushed the door open, seeing that the place seemed untouched; it was eerily quiet. I went in, shutting the door behind me; "Ryan?" I called him name dumbly.

Nothing. Zip. Nada.

I went towards the kitchen, the scripts still there. But, atop of them, was a piece of small paper. It was a note; I picked it up and looked over the quick jotted writing.

I began to read it out loud; "Nikki, I packed my things and left. I'm sorry for everything, and I know that sorry won't ever be enough. I promise that I'll be safe, and I hope that you'll keep in touch. I'll be staying with Brendon in a new apartment. I left some money in your dresser drawer to help you find a new place, it's the least I could do. I love you, Ryan."

I shut my eyes, exhaling and inhaling deeply. I put the note down and grabbed the scripts, heading to my bedroom.