Landfill

The scripts didn't appeal to me. I was too tired and unenthused to even care. I didn't want to do the movie, I just wanted to rest.

I had so many things to do, and Christmas was right around the corner. My apartment was quiet all the time, except for the TV and Jimmy's purrs and the thumps of his paws. It's an understatement that I missed Ryan; I longed for him. I felt like I loss half of myself, I was a ghost, floating in space with no purpose. It was like I needed him; I think I did.

Elaine tried to help me through it; she came over and made sure I ate and bathed; which I did. Eating was a challenge because I wasn't sure how to cook. Also, I didn't like to stay in my apartment too long; fear lingered in my bones an my heart.

Lisa hasn't known what was going on, and I opted not to tell her. What I did tell her was that Ryan and I had decided to take a break and I wasn't sure how to take it. To make my sadness and tears authentic to the break, I explained that he broke it off with me. Lisa was sweet about it; she didn't prod me, and she too got me out of the house. I spent a weekend at her place.

I wondered a lot what Ryan was doing and if he was okay. I'd always worry about him; I love him. When I would watch the news, I prayed that he wouldn't be the late night headline. I was nervous every time a shooting happened. Sirens outside my building didn't help.

A day before Christmas, I packed some things and went to my parents'. I wanted to find a place close to them, and I needed to visit for Christmas anyway. My mom was excited to have me, and I was happy (just a bit) to add to her excitement. I didn't tell them that Ryan and I were broken up, I just said I was coming home. I hoped that they wouldn't pride me about it. I knew how much my mom and dad liked him. I wasn't sure how to explain it.

I showed up at my parents's with Jimmy and a couple of bags. My dad met me outside the cab, frowning slightly; "Nicole, how are you?" My dad hugged me, and Jimmy meowed. "Oops."

"I'm fine, dad." I exhaled, "Can you help me?"

He gave a nod and took both of my bags; I went and paid the cabbie and followed my dad up to the house. My mom was waiting in the foyer, her arms outspread, "Darling!"

I grimaced as she hugged me tight; Jimmy fell from my arms and rushed off. She pulled back, "He's house trained?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

She smiled and patted my upper arms with both hands, "So, where's Ryan?"

I licked over my bottom lip, "Uh, we... We, uh," my dad looked at me, knowingly, "We're taking a break right now."

A frown appeared upon her face, "Oh, no. What happened?"

I shrugged, "You must know how these things are, mom... We just needed some space."

My mom looked me deeply in the eyes, her hands still on my biceps, "Are you alright?"

"I'm getting there." I swallowed thickly, "I have scripts to look over..."

Her hands dropped, "Scripts?"

"My book," I said suddenly, "They're turning it into a movie." I cleared my throat, "I have to, uh, read over the scripts from different screenwriters."

My parents both grinned, "Thats amazing, Nikki," my dad enthused.

"Yeah," I forced a smile, "I can't wait to see it on... On the big screen." My words trailed, no emotion to them.

My mom gave me another hug, "You can stay as long as you need to."

She let me go again and I exhaled, "Yeah, about that; I need to find a new apartment. The rent went up and I wanted to find a bigger place... Y'know, if I'm gonna be paying $800 a month."

My mom frowned, "Oh, darling, just move back in here!"

I shook my head, "No, no. I need my own space, mom."

She frowned slightly, but nodded agreeably, "You're right, you're right. I'll just be happy with you being here."

"I'll help you move," my dad added, "Whatever you need, Nikki, we're here."

"Thanks." I smiled genuinely this time.


Up in my old bedroom, that night, I managed to skim through two scripts. The first had a lot of sex and nothing else; the second had a lot of gore, extremely missing the point of it all. They had no real story to them. The next one, the third of four, was actually pretty good.

I read through it, the writer actually made my tale into what I had wanted. The violence, the malice, the darkness was there without extremely use of sex or gore and tearing women apart. I liked it so much, I didn't bother to read the last.

I closed the large script and looked at the front; it was written by Shane Valdez. I sighed at the name; "Shane. God." The world is small, there is bound to be multiple Shane's in it.

I set the scripts onto the floor, and laid back in my bed; remembering the long and lonely nights I had spent in this bedroom. I wasn't sad, really, just confused and lonely. I never felt sad, more bored than anything.

I shut the light off and stared up at the dark ceiling; Jimmy was curled up on the pillow beside me, purring in his sleep. I rolled over and pet his fur for a few moments before closing my eyes. I really, really missed Ryan so much; I wondered if he missed me too.

I was sure, but I couldn't be too sure.