Landfill

I stepped back, nearly losing my balance. I stumbled forward, gaining it back quickly, and looked at my dad; "You knew? Yeah, you did, didn't you?!"

My dad stood, exhaling, "Yes, Nicole, I knew."

"Why didn't you tell me?! Goddammit, do you know how foolish I feel?!" I was screaming, and I didn't care who heard me. "How dare you keep this information from me?!"

"Ryan asked for my help, and not to tell you," my dad advanced toward me and grabbed my shoulders gently. "Stop screaming, Nicole. I'm taking you home."

I ripped away, "Fuck off," I snapped, "Leave me the hell alone." I stomped away, around the large house, towards the privacy fence, opening the gate door. I slammed it behind me and headed out, pass the valet, who called after me about which car was mine.

I ignored him. My head was so loud and throbbing with everything. My conscious screaming how dumb I could be; how blind I was. My dad and Ryan so fucking chummy. What the hell could they even have in common?

I wondered what it was. Why they got along, why Ryan needed his help. I thought it was bullshit, mainly because I was so angry. I mean, I'm his daughter! Ryan was nothing to him, and here he was keeping such a secret from me.

All my thoughts fucked me up as I walked down a block, not sure where I was going or where I was. I was so pissed, tears were not going to come down my cheeks; maybe later on, but not now. My face was red hot, the air was freezing, but I didn't care.

My feet were starting to hurt, my arms wrapped around myself, I kept trudging forward until I heard a car approach; "Nicole!" It was my mom. "Nicole, you get your butt in this car now!"

I frowned, stopping, "No!"

"Nicole, don't make me get out this car." The car stopped; I didn't bother to look.

"I'm not getting in that car! Not with that man in there!"

There was silence and I started to walk again; I heard the car door open and then my mom's heels clack on the pavement. She grabbed me and turned me around, "You get in that car this instant!"

I let her drag me back to the awaiting car; my dad was in the driver seat. My mom opened the back passenger door and I was forced in. I crossed my arms still, looking down; my mom got in, exhaling angrily and my dad took off.

"You embarrassed me, Nicole," she breathed, "Everyone heard you yelling. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Ask him!" I spat.

"It's a long story." My dad said; my mom must've given him a look.

"We have time." She countered; her voice hard, flinty.

It was quiet for a minute. The only sound was the tires and the wind whipping through the open driver side window. My dad rolled it up, and then he sighed, "I'll explain at home."

"Nicole," my mom turned in her seat, "If you don't tell me right now--"

"You can't hurt me, I'm an adult!" I shot a look at her; I was beginning to cry now.

The alcohol made everything hurt. I felt pain and sadness fully. The anger was gone, I was just hurt. So, I sobbed. I let it all out, crying all over my mom moms dress and my palms, my face.

My mom sat back, not saying anything. The drive was long and I had stopped crying half way there. We were all quiet except for the soft sounds of Beethoven on the radio and my sniffles.

Arriving home, my mom led the way in; my dad behind her. As soon as the door was opened, she went in and grabbed my arm as soon as I had followed suit. The door shut loudly, echoing, making my ears ring and my head pound.

"Start talking," my mom ordered, her eyes swiftly moving between me and my dad. "Now. The both of you."

I glared at my dad, my eyes narrowed and stung from the tears. My dad looked at my mom, "It's about Ryan."

My mom's frown ceased, "What about him?"

"Nikki found out about his side job."

My mom looked completely clueless, "Side job?"

My dad nodded, "Yes, he's a, uh, drug dealer."

My mom's eyes widened and her jaw dropped, "Excuse me?" Her head shook shortly in disbelief.

"Yeah, he is!" I confirmed angrily, "And dad knew before I did! No one told me and I feel like an idiot!"

My mom's lips pursed and she was silent. My dad took off his coat, and waited, along with me. I don't know why we waited for my mom to say anything.

"Lets go get you changed, Darling." My mom spoke quietly and put her arm on my shoulder and led me upstairs.

In my bedroom, my mom sat at my vanity while I changed into my pajamas and hung her dress up. I returned to the bedroom and sat on my bed, ready to hear what she had to say. She got up and sat beside me, "Now, tell me what happened."

I opened my mouth and everything came out. Just like when I told Elaine, I told my mom, and she didn't interrupt. I cried a bit and when I finished, I felt so tired. My mom wrapped her arm around my waist and let me rest my head on her shoulder; "No one is auspicious as us, Nicole."

"I know, but he has more than enough to stop and he won't."

"Maybe he can't. You say he works for a guy named Shane; maybe Shane won't let Ryan leave."

"I never thought of that," I mumbled, "Now I feel like a bitch."

"But," my mom added, "Ryan shouldn't just expect you to be alright with this. He's a very forceful man, is he not?"

I thought about it all. About Ryan. "Yes."

"A break is good," she continued, "And, one day, you both could reunite and either start over or end it for good."

I gave a small nod, "Okay."

"I wouldn't worry too much, Nicole," she kissed my cheek, "Things tend to unfold as they should."

My mom got up, kissing the crown of my head and said goodnight before leaving my room. I crawled into bed, reaching over the bedside table to grab my phone. I was reluctant to turn it on, because I was still fighting my heart and head, and my mom's advice. I decided against turning it on, I couldn't deal with seeing his name and hearing the messages. The heartbreak was too great to get over just by my mom's words.