Landfill

The following morning, I had the worst headache of my young life, and little Jimmy pawing at my chest wasn't helping. I suppose I deserved it, drowning myself in alcohol like I did. I managed to get up and make my way to the bathroom and shower. Still, my headache ceased to exist; I went downstairs, dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, and met my parents in the kitchen.

"I have a headache." I announced.

"Sit down, I'll get you some juice and Tylenol." My mom moved quickly, causing me to shut my eyes at the rapid movement.

I sat down across from my dad, but I didn't look at him. I was far too sick to be angry with him, besides, he's my dad. Really, how long could I live under his roof and be angry at him?

"Nicole, I'm sorry." He murmured, leaning closer; I could sense him with my eyes shut.

"Apology accept, dad." I replied, rubbing my temples.

My mom gave me cranberry juice and pills, and I managed to smash them up with a spoon. My parents both gave me looks; "They work faster if you crush them up." I explained as I scooped the dust of pain relievers into my glass.

My mom sat beside me, her hand on my back, "How are you feeling?"

"My head just hurts, I slept fine." I relayed.

"Your dad needs to explain everything to you." She added.

I looked up at my dad, "Explain." I stated promptly.

He gave a bob of his head, his lips tweaked to one side before he opened his mouth. He didn't say anything, his hands gathered around his coffee mug, "Ryan came to me about defending one of his friends."

I blinked; I remembered that my dad explained how he was a public defender for any low life who couldn't afford an attorney.

"And?" I muttered.

"He explained how his friend, Jon, had gotten into some trouble, needed legal aid and that he would pay me." My dad cleared his throat, "I told Ryan that he didn't need to, but he wanted to. He then went on to say that he would need me sometime in the future."

I frowned, "And he just spilled his guts to you, dad?"

"No," he shook his head, "He told me it all when he asked for my permission to ask you to marry him. He wanted to confess this, Nicole. Ryan wanted the air to be clear--"

I shot up, "And you gave him permission?" I exclaimed, "What the hell--"

"Nicole!" My mom hissed at me, "Sit down, you're being disrespectful!"

I shut my eyes, my head's pounding was going away. I sat down, my dad looking to me desperately. "I only said yes because he had explained everything to me, Nicole. His father's issues, his money troubles and the bind he's in with the lawyers; he wanted me to help with that if they got wind of his activities."

I swallowed, rubbing my neck; "What else did he say?" I asked.

"He said he would stop once he knew it was good."

The room was silent, and I was still upset. "I don't even understand how you would think any of this is okay." I spat out, "Are you suppose to protect your daughter from big bad monsters like Ryan Ross? Do you know he's killed people?"

They were silent. Unsure of what to say, I bet. My mom stood up, I'll feed Jimmy."

They weren't processing any of this. They didn't understand that I could be in danger. Maybe they just didn't care about that.

My dad furrowed his brow, "I saw how you would look at him, Nicole. I know how it feels to love someone so much, and that's why I'm okay with it. Ryan loves you, he said you're the first person he truly trusts with his life; and who am I to judge him or your relationship?"

It was my turn to stay quiet. I was rendered speechless, my mind going blank. My dad took a slip of his coffee; "What Ryan does is his business--"

"When he moved into my apartment and put a damn ring on my finger, all of that became my business!" My headache increased, "But, everyone decided to keep me in the dark--"

"For your own good." My dad said over me, "That kid loves you--"

"Bullshit! Bullshit," I spat venomously, "Lovers don't keep secrets like that. I could've been killed, dad! Those men could've taken me and hurt me, and whatever else and you're sitting here as if it's no big deal!"

My dad sighed, and I could only stare at him. I wanted something to come from him. Not a sorry, something more, but I didn't know what.

"What do you want me to say, Nicole? I've told you the truth and what I thought and think."

I shook my head, "I don't know." I stood up, "I need... I need to be alone."

I left the kitchen, with Jimmy hot my tail and up the stairs. I went into my bedroom, shutting the door and picked up Jimmy. I sat on my bed, feeling more exhausted by the second. I didn't know what to think, really; it was the same thing, over and over. What the hell was I to do?


My mom had come up to my bedroom hours later. I had taken a nap with Jimmy and found my mom sitting beside me. I sat up, rubbing my eyes, "I apologize for everything." I told her.

"I know, Nikki." She looked at me, "And I apologize on behalf of your father. I didn't know anything, so... All of this is bothering me just as much as it's bothering you."

"What would you do?"

She sighed, "I'm not too sure, honey. I know that your father was doing what he thought was best, and you and I both know he would never let anything bad happen to you. That's why he's so indifferent about this; your safe, that's all that matters."

I couldn't counter argue with her, she was right. I only hung my head, feeling Jimmy come purr and slip under my arm. "Well, what do I do? I'm still upset and I'm hurt."

"Give yourself some time, as I said. You talk to Ryan when you feel is time."

I shook my head, "I never want to talk to him again. I hate his guts," I mumbled, "But I want him. I want him so, so much."

My mom nodded agreeably, "You need time, Nicole. You don't need to rush and you do not, under any circumstances, need to feel bad about your decisions."

"Alright." I murmured.

After a short silence, my mom pet my hair back and said, "Do you want to eat?"

"Yeah, sure."

I let Jimmy down and followed my mom downstairs to the kitchen. My dad was back in the same spot; he forced a smile, "Nicole."

"I'm sorry," I said softly as I sat, "I was angry and--"

"No, no, don't apologize. I understand how you felt." He exhaled, "I never saw you as being hurt, that's why it didn't affect me like you thought it should."

"Mom explained."

He gave a nod, "So, we're alright now? No more anger?"

"No," I answered, "It's all good."