Landfill

Lisa had come and visited the day before I was released. We talked briefly; we caught up, but at a minimum. Lisa knows me just as well as Elaine does, so she didn't dig into me about what had happened. She and I goofed around until she left; and after, I slowly itched more writing in.

I started to write just a bit before I took a break and decided to walk and stretch my bones. I couldn't wait to get to a real bed, get the IV from my arm and eat on my own time. I had spent all most of my brain power so disdainfully so I wouldn't pause and think of Ryan or Brendon.

But, none of the distractions lasted long. The walks were long and quiet, except for the short beeps of monitors, nurses's shoes squeaking and the soft talking or TVs in open doors to other rooms. I tried to focus in on the wheels of my heart monitor that held my saline IV drip; they were new wheels and were smooth along the cool floor. It only worked for a bit before my heard filled of Ryan. I didn't cry, I felt heavy in my chest, my head ached from the tears from every nightmare; I had, had enough of the tears.

I felt as if I were a prisoner in my head.


My return home was quiet and long. It was what you'd expect; I was like a fragile package upon my mom and dad, and even their friends who had come to say hello. It was as if everyone was afraid to breathe a word around me, or to touch me. Handshakes were limp, hugs were hollow; they wouldn't wrap their arms around me. My parents hugged me, Lisa and Elaine and Spencer hugged me and that was it; even Jimmy seemed to tip-toe around me; he didn't sleep on my chest anymore.

There was a few days that I was sure it was one big entire day. I was jolted to what day it was, when my mom had called me downstairs because I had a visitor. I had thought it was Lisa or Elaine, perhaps Spencer, but it wasn't. It was a single man in a dark blue suit with a matching tie, holding a mahogany brown briefcase that was tattered. I suddenly felt worried, under dressed and overly exhausted.

My mom stood a few feet ahead of him, meeting me down at the bottom, "Nicole, this man is with an attorney's office...they've come to talk about Ryan."

I looked up at him, my hand touching my hair pulled into a messy bun, "Hello. I apologize for my appearance...it hasn't been a good couple days..."

The man smiled, "It's fine, Ms. Navarro. We've just come to relay the contents of Mr. Ross's will."

"Ryan had a will?"

The man nodded, "Yes, it was joint with his father's."

My mom placed a hand on my back, "Well, have a seat."

She led the way to the living room, politely sitting the man at the end of the couch near me, while I sat in the cushioned seat a few feet from the couch. The man put the brief case beside himself, and thanked my mom. He then looked to me and spoke, "My name is Neil Fisher and I put together Ryan's legal affairs. His father was my first client."

He smiled as he told me, and I wondered if I smiled back. I couldn't feel it, but I did feel my cheeks warm up.

"I, uh," Neil began as he grabbed the case, "I spoke with him in December about his late father's will, but that's something I can't get into." I nodded slowly as he opened the case, "Anyway, I'm here to give you instructions about his funeral arrangements."

I looked to my mom, who was seated beside me in the other cushioned chair. I turned my attention back to Neil, "When did he make these arrangements?"

"Uh, a few weeks after his father passed."

I swallowed, "Oh."

Neil went on as he fiddled with stacks of paper and handing them to me, "He had wanted me to change things over to you, also. He said you two were engaged?"

"Yes." My voice was tight as I held the stack of papers in my lap.

"I'm sorry about all of this," he said, "I try and detached myself if I must witness things like this."

I nodded agreeably, "I understand completely."

"I'm sorry for your loss." He added sincerely. "I should've asked if this was a good time."

"It's okay," I said softly, "It's...I'm..." I was at a loss for words.

"Nikki," my mom touched my arm, "You'll be okay."

I exhaled, keeping my eyes on the brief case, "Yeah, I'll be fine. Please continue," I said to Neil.

He shut the case, locking it and set it beside himself again. "You can read from the pages I gave you what you stand to get and--"

"I don't want anything," I found myself saying.

Neil gave me a puzzled look, "You're the only person named there." He pointed to the stack on my lap.

"Not his mom?" He said no. "Oh."

"It's just mostly the bulk of his inheritance and the ownership of his property that's located in a storage unit downtown."

I looked down at the papers, unsure of what to say or do. I didn't read anything there, I was lost.

"For his funeral," Neil cleared his throat, "Ryan has instructed that it'd be a closed casket, small, intimate and within 10 days after his death. He has his casket, plot, stone and outfit all down in there, Ms. Navarro."

"A closed casket?" I asked myself, "I can't see him?"

Neil looked at me and then at my mom. He looked sorry about telling me, "I'm sorry, but that's what he wanted. It's legally binding."

I exhaled and shut my eyes. I blinked away stray tears and rubbed them away. "The last time I saw him he was covered in blood."

With my eyes shut, it was all black. Neil kept talking, my mom was talking and soon we were alone, he had gone. My mom took the papers from my lap and then took my wrist gently, "Nikki, c'mon, honey. You need to eat something." There was so much taking it's toll on me, I was too tired to deal.

"I'm not hungry, I'm gonna go back upstairs...go to sleep." I mumbled.

"I'll bring you something." She insisted.

"Okay..." I trailed as I went up the stairs, my eyes still blurry.