Landfill

The return to my room brought me to charge my phone. I tried to wipe away the blood with a damp towel, but most of it had seeped in; it lit up maroon when I began to charge it. I left it on my desk and then I went through my pocket to get the note Ilene had given me.

I smoothed out the crumpled paper, reading that it was we number and the hotel she was staying at. I set it beside my phone, bit my thumbnail and looked at them both. A tangible wave of sadness swept me; "Goddammit Ryan."

For the past month I had gone through stages of grief, as my dad had noted to me. The first was denial, then depression, the anger was slowly coming over me. My dad was sure I would accept it, but I already had and it didn't settle with me. It hurt and it still feels like a dream. I wanted a sign from this nightmare that I wasn't going to go crazy or be without Ryan.

I couldn't stand not being without him. I went through days pretending that we were broken up and he was okay. I didn't mind if he wasn't with me, just as long as he was okay. That's all that really got me through, and it was buried in my head. When I had felt like crying, I would think that he was somewhere else, not in a grave.

I left the phone and began to undress and slip into my pajamas. I washed my hands, scrubbed the chipped blood from my fingernails and returned to the phone. It had enough battery for me to look it over; I had a bunch of missed calls and a few messages and texts. I deleted most of them until I got to one that was dated the afternoon of the event -whatever you could call that mess. I opened it and saw it was from a blocked number; it read: DONT COME TRAP.

I stomach tightened and my hand flew to my mouth. I looked at the sender, but was reminded that it was from a blocked number. My eyes stung, nausea swept through me and I set my phone back. My knees buckled and I hit the floor, holding my mouth; utterly shocked. I could've saved us all if I hadn't of gone; maybe saved Brendon, but I'm not sure about Ryan or my own family.

It was all too much for me; knowing something like that fucked with me. The big what-ifs and the could have and should have beens toyed with my head.

I got up, shut the phone off and stood there for a moment. I felt anger course me, the anger for Ryan, grief, for myself and for Brendon. I threw my phone across the room, watching the plastic crack and a few numbers actually pop out. The entire room was evoked in hollow silence; my body tightened and I began to sob. I fell onto my bed, grabbed a pillow and sobbed; sobbed until I had fell well into sleep.


With all I knew, the next morning, I got up and took my phone to get a new one. I didn't bother to tell anyone I was going, I needed to be alone, not to be watched for a moment. I needed a new phone any how, I needed to return to my life. I had a lot of stuff to do that I couldn't put off any longer. Even without Ryan, I still had to live my life, undoubtedly I did not want to.

I went to the nearest mobile store and explained my situation; my phone and I were in an accident and I needed a new one with all my info. It took well over an hour to actually pick one and transfer my contacts. I was exhausted; emotionally drained, but the time I was able to leave.

And, let me tell you, being out in public is hard. Aside from the nightmares, I had started to see Ryan's figure everywhere. I would see men who had his body type, or his haircut and my heart would leap into my throat. I hadn't gotten to the stage of following anyone, but I stared a lot. I wanted each man to be him; for the man to turn around and reveal himself to be Ryan, and tell me how he was playing a cruel joke on me for breaking up with him.

I prayed for that moment to arrive each time a man passed. Even men who didn't look anything like Ryan; I prayed it was him in disguise. That he would see me, see my tears and change his mind. In my head, he'd rip off his mask and come running to me. He'd say he was sorry and I would kiss him until my lips were chapped and bruised; but it never happened.

I tried not to do this; to think such a way. I went home, turning up the radio loudly to drown out my lonely thinking. My parents were surprised to see me when I had come in; "Where were you?" My mom questioned first with a frantic look, "We were about to phone the police!"

I blinked at her, staring, "I got a new cell phone."

She exhaled, "I'm sorry, you just scared me."

"I took dad's car." I looked at my dad. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." My dad patted my shoulder, "Ryan's lawyer is here with his financial advisor."

"For what?" I asked.

"Ryan's life insurance. They're in the dining room." My mom answered.

I rubbed my eyes, "Oh. Okay."

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to." My dad added.

"It's okay. I'm...I'm going to. I've got..." My head was jumbled, "Let me go talk to them, clear this whole thing up."

My parents didn't pester me; they left me as I went off to the dining room; Neil Fisher and an older man were sitting beside each other at the dining room table; both wore glasses and were talking amongst themselves. I licked over my dry lips, and greeted them, "Hello."

Neil smiled; bother men stood, "It's nice to see you again, Nicole."

"Yeah. What's...this about?"

The older man cleared his throat, "About Ryan's life insurance."

I nodded, "Okay. Please, sit."

We all sat, the older man introduced himself as Marvin Beaker. He was the man who oversaw Ryan'a policy and was ready to pay out since everything was in order. I sat quietly as they began to tell me about things I didn't care to learn about; I wanted them to leave.

"...We can send you monthly checks or give you a large lump sum."

I rubbed my eyes; "I...I would take the lump sum. I'm going to give it to Ryan's mother."

They both looked to each other and then back at the papers. "Will you take a check?"

"Yeah, sure." I answered.

"You can cash this at your bank." Marvin added.

I only nodded continuously as they instructed things to me. I signed a few thins before I was handed a check for $250,000. Neil and Marvin left soon after; I looked at the check and blinked away tears.

My mom came in, "Are you hungry?"

I shook my head, "I'm tired."

"You need to eat, Nikki. You can't rely on junk food."

"I have no desire to eat." I said softly.

My mom came over to me, took my hand and patted it, "I'm going to make you food and you're going to eat."

I forced a small smile, "I'll try."

She kissed the crown of my head, "That's all I ask."

My mom left me, and I folded the check, leaving it on the table. I folded my arms on the table and rested my head on them.