Landfill

I couldn't stand to call Shane by his first name, so I kept it at a minimum of when I did. And he completely understood. The two of us talked continuously until he left, and even after, when he returned to his home in LA, we talked. We had a few things in common, but we were a lot different. He has a lot more talents than myself; his stories and experienced drew me in. I was infatuated with him, and it frightened me.

As I found myself liking Shane more and more, I was starting to feel guiltier for it. The guilt of having a life, living it without Ryan. How dare I do so? How dare I start to even like another man who isn't Ryan? It never settled rightly, but at the same time, I couldn't stop myself from it.

I began to grow independent, too, and that was also that frightening feeling to come along. I had moved back into the city, in a larger apartment with Elise -and Jimmy- and was preparing to visit Burbank to go over the story board process of the film. I was so new to it all, I had said I didn't want to be too involved, that I only wanted to know the basics. Shane promised to keep me in the loop as little as I wanted and as much as he wanted. He was always trying to teach me something new.

Elise thought it was sweet that I was "moving on" in a way. She was proud; she had said 7 months was long enough for me to slowly start to move on. "Don't jump head first into this." She said to me.

"I'm not. I'm not even like that with Shane." I had replied. "He's just a good friend."

"So you say now." She smirked.

It was true; I didn't know if I would end up with Shane or not. I was frightened, scared nearly to death about it. I didn't want to want anyone else; I wanted Ryan. Same old song without anything new.


I visited Burbank in October; it was the first few days of pre-production, following the green-light. Shane had invited me up, to show me the set and explain it all to me. He met me at my hotel, and then drove me down to his place to show me his production studio.

His home was large; just down the street from a movie lot. It was almost hidden from the street; out front were large bushes and trees. On his porch, it was cleared out and had deck chairs; I followed him inside of his home, to which was filled with cameras, movies, film. "You are a serious director." I joked.

He chuckled, "Oh, of course not."

I shook my head, following his lead, "It's down here. We've got the story boards done, the script has been broken down, rewritten and finalized. Pre-production is almost done."

I looked around as saw the large story boards hung on one wall to my left, to my right was an array of computers and sound boards. A table near the story boards had a stacks of thick papers there. "What's after pre-production?" I asked.

"The budget gets made, and then we do principle photography."

"So," I looked over the desk, seeing a few head shots of actors, "These are the people you've casted?"

"Yeah," he replied enthusiastically, "I went with my gut."

I saw some of the familiar faces he had emailed me and sent videos of their auditions. I liked these people, "I liked these ones."

"I took your advice."

I looked at him, "So, my advice was your gut?"

He chuckled, "In a way, Nick."

When he called me Nick, it always made me freeze. It was weird hearing it come from another man, even when Spencer called me Nick. I don't think I'd ever get used to it not being Ryan's voice.

I shook it off; "So, um...what are you planning on shooting first?"

Shane went through it all with me; he was so excited about it. I shared in the excitement, because it was cute the way he explained it all with joy. Plus, I was learning something new and I didn't have to try too hard to keep up.

After all the talking, the two of us went and had dinner. This time, we didn't talk about the movie, we were friends now. We talked about everyday things...

I never really told Shane about Ryan. Really, I told him that I lost my boyfriend and that was that. He was careful not to ask about Ryan, and I was careful not to bring him up. I wanted to, many times, but I didn't. I was trying to move past it, forget how badly I was hurt and how much I missed Ryan.

"I think you should stay out here when we start to film," Shane said this with a curious tone. "I mean, if you want."

I smiled shyly, "For what? I'm no use here."

"You are the author, Nikki...why not?"

I played with my food, "I don't know...where would I stay?"

He smiled a bit, "With me. I got an extra room, y'know. I won't bug you unless I need you."

"Are you trying to get into my pants, Shane?"

He grinned wickedly, jokingly, "What gave it away?"

I laughed, "I'm kidding. Maybe I will...who knows."

"You can be an extra too." He added.

"Why not give me the roll of a prostitute?" I jested.

"You don't look like a prostitute." He replied.

"Meh, I'm not much of an actor anyway."

Shane patted my arm, "You should at least visit the set once in a while once we start."

I nodded, "I will. But, you got to get me one of those director chairs with my name on the back.

He winked, "Whatever you want, Nick."


My frequent trips to Burbank were starting to become longer and longer. As principle photography had begun, I was spending most of my time with Shane there. I met with everyone -cast and crew- and I watched Shane direct the scenes; he was great at it.

Little by little, I was finding myself developing a crush on him. Though, I thought about Ryan every single day; throughout the day. Little things reminded me of him, it often made me sad, but I had to remember that he was gone and that I should get over it. It was almost a year since he had past, but it still felt fresh. It was hard trying to forge ahead with it all, especially with the way I began to feel about Shane.

I thought that maybe I was falling in love with him.