Landfill

Production took a break during the week of Christmas; due to heavy rain fall, and everyone needed a break. I spent that week with him, trying to figure out what we were. It was all up in the air, we hadn't specified if we were actually a couple, but it felt that way.

I was too nervous to ask, almost embarrassed to. I liked being with him, he took away some of the guilt and loneliness, and I did not want to jeopardize it all be trying to label what we were. So far, he hasn't even kissed, we hugged -that was it. It scare me how badly I wanted to develop something with Shane. I was curious as to what he wanted.

He was so nonchalant about everything; he was so relaxed and unwound. He wasn't like Ryan was, things weren't presided and so important to Shane. He wasn't what I was used to; opposite of Ryan. Shane liked music, but he loved movies a lot more, and he laughed a lot, he made me laugh. He was quiet, and we could spend all day in silence and be completely comfortable; he always wondered if he was too quiet most of the time.

"It isn't awkward." I told him; I was lying beside him on his large couch while he channel surfed.

"Are you sure?" He asked me.

I laughed, "I'm sure."

Shane had this way of smiling that gave me butterflies. He had this shy demeanor that reminded me of high school. I think he was a lot shyer than myself when it came to whatever relationship we had.

Just before Christmas, he had plans to visit his family in a nearby city, and I had figured I would be going home. I had gotten a train ticket, too; and as I packed, Shane had come into the guest room I was staying in and gave me a questionable glance; "What're you doin'?"

I turned to face him fully, "I'm getting ready to leave tomorrow morning."

He blinked, "What for?"

"Uh..." I scratched my head, "Aren't you going to visit your family?"

"Yeah, but I thought you'd want to come with me."

I was rendered speechless; for the simple fact I didn't know what to say. Shane smiled, and I couldn't help but to return it; "I...uh...you want me to go with you?"

He nodded, "Yeah...I, um, been meaning to ask you about us."

I felt my heart beating fast, "Us?"

He nodded, "Are we...uh, dating?"

My jaw slacked a bit, and I quickly recovered, "I'm not entirely sure."

He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, "I guess we wouldn't be. I never really asked you out, but I've wanted to."

My cheeks burned from the smile that was fighting to form; "Well, I've been wanting you to."

"Is it too late?" He gave me this shy grin.

"No." I answered happily, teeth tugging at my bottom lip.

"I was hoping not." He took my wrist and pulled me close to him.

I held my breath out of habit, letting him kiss me.


The thought of getting over Ryan frightened me. I don't know why, I think it was mainly for the fact that I didn't want to get over my first love. I was afraid I would forget him altogether.

It was especially hard when all I thought about was Shane. At the end of the day, I would lie in bed, trying to remember if I did think about Ryan at all that day, and I usually hadn't. I had no reason to. But, whenever I caught a glimpse of my scar in the mirror, I thought of him. He was in the for front of my mind when I saw the jagged pink scar on my neck; it was shaped into a thick line.

It wasn't too noticeable, my hair covered it, but Shane had seen it and he said he thought it was cool. He knew what had happened to me, but never asked for details. He was possibly the most laid back man I've ever met.

When he had introduced me to his family, he simply said; "This is Nikki, she's that girl I go on about."

I had blushed; I was quickly embraced by his folks. I was nervous about getting attached so quickly; but they were the sincerest people. I saw where Shane got all his qualities from; his father was a musician and scored films. His mother had been an actress, his older brother, Ronnie is an artist. I basically stepped into a family of talent and so much kindness.

I really wasn't sure what to expect from them. They were just simple, nice people. When our visit had ended, I wasn't sure how I would introduce Shane to my parents any time soon. My parents were extremely eager to meet him, especially my mom. She was happy that I was moving on, so to speak, and had met someone new and nice.

I thought about it once the movie would wrap. I thought that, that would be good because it was a while off.

When they had started to film again, I was back in Summerlin texting and calling Shane every day. I would go and visit him, but I didn't stay too long; the shoots were a lot longer and I didn't want to burden him. I told Elaine and Lisa all about him, and they too were happy about us getting together.

When February came around, Shane was officially my boyfriend. But, by then, my head was consumed with Ryan. It was a year since he died, and none of it felt right. I mean, I felt him around me, and guilt plagued me again. I had kissed and hugged Shane all the while I thought about Ryan; I guilty for both men.

I wanted to tell Shane about Ryan, but I hadn't ever found the guts to. I wanted to take him to Ryan's gravesite, to tell him everything, but I thought maybe Shane would be turned off and dump me. I didn't want to pester him, so I went alone; for the first time since he was buried.

My head was a mess, I couldn't believe how fast time had flown. It was cool in Summerlin, and the graveyard seemed the coldest place. I hadn't told anyone where I had gone; I was always out and about, even with the urge to write another book, I rarely wrote. I always went for walks and thought about my predicaments and my guilt. Even my little bit of happiness.

As I entered the cemetery, I tried to remember where his stone was. I remembered the way but not how far it was from the pathway. I walked, trying to remember the names of the headstones I had tripped over a year previous. I finally saw it; the large headstone that fit with Ryan's dad's, both of their names engraved into it.

I swallowed and knelt down; I hadn't brought flowers or anything. The flowers would've welted and who would care anyway? My hand ran over his name, his birthdate and the date of his death; February 8th.

I exhaled, not sure if I should talk or not; I bit at my lip and decided to. "I feel foolish for talking out loud to no one, but I feel the need to as well...um, I...I miss you a lot, Ry."

I tweaked my lips as the wind blew through me. I crossed my arms over my chest and I remembered I was wearing his leather jacket with The Cramps pins and his old Modest Mouse t-shirt. "I met someone...maybe you already know...I don't know if heaven or hell is real or not. I'm getting off topic; I met a really nice guy, his name is Shane Valdez and he's incredible. Though, I don't think you'd like him, he isn't like you at all, and I'm happy that he isn't.

"And, ya'know, I feel really damn guilty. I feel like I'm cheating on you, even though we weren't even together when you died...and I mean that in a relationship type of way." I muttered this humorously.

I exhaled, "I wish you were here. I wish I could just talk to you for a minute and pick your brain about this. I hope that you're okay with this...am I suppose to move on? Am I suppose to find someone else, or do I wait to die and be with you again?"

I rubbed my head and stood; "I'm sorry of you are upset by this. I'm kind of happy...Shane took the some of the misery away." I ran my fingers over the smooth top of the headstone. "I'll probably be back soon...I hope you're happy for me."

I stepped back, shoved my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket (well, Ryan's leather jacket) and took a moment before I turned and left. I looked back for a moment, feeling a chill run down my spine.