Landfill

It was May when I went to Summerlin for a holiday. Shane was busy editing and stayed in California; I had kissed him goodbye before I left and told him I'd call him once I had arrived. I was taking this trip for multiple reasons; see my friends, parents and to get things straight in my head.

I wanted to sit and talk to Ryan; even though I knew he wouldn't stay anything back, I had to. It felt like I needed to talk to him, as crazy as it sounds. I wanted to let him know that I loved him and that I was happy.

My parents had picked me up from the airport, and along the way home, I called Shane. I hated to bother him, but he didn't seem to notice that he had other things going on. That's what I love the most about him; he'd drop everything, no matter how important it was, and talk to me. We said a few words before hanging up; I set my phone into my pocket, sitting back. My parents talked to me casually about things, and then the talk of marriage popped up.

It was most from my mom; "He hasn't asked?"

"No," I said. "I don't want him to unless he wants to."

"He needs to ask my permission first." My dad said in a jokingly stern manner.

"Yes, I know. I'm not holding my breath, I like what I have with Shane."

"Well, you're almost 30 years old, it's about time you settle down." My mom urged.

I laughed softly, "You make it sound as if I'm old."

"I'm just saying, Darling." She smiled at me. "Whatever you do, we'll support you."

"Thanks. Shane and I are still taking things slow."

I didn't want to tell my parents about the fact that I still had feelings for Ryan. I was sure they'd think I was crazy; he's dead, how much closure could I get? I didn't really get closure; I never got to tell Ryan how I felt about him or how much I truly loved him. So, I kept it all to myself. I did want to tell Shane, but I couldn't risk hurting his feelings.


Shane had bought me an iPod for Christmas, so I was listening to it when I was able to get away and head to the cemetery. I smiled at the sound of the doors; Little Jimmy is still alive; he likes Shane more than me. We took him everywhere, when we could, and I think it was him that kept Ryan thriving in my heart.

I hummed along, walking up the freshly cut grass; it was hot, I wore a tank top and denim shorts. I bit at my lip upon gazing over at the gravestone. It was still the same, only, there were flowers there; Bluebells, and they looked fresh. I looked around; that uneasy feeling circled my body. I swallowed and slowly eased onto the grass, sitting on my bottom.

I took my headphones off and settled them around my neck. I gave a lick to my lips, parted them and tried to find the right words to say. "I'm crazy." Was all the escaped.

I stared at Ryan's name until it looked like some foreign language. I sat up, kneeling, getting dirt and grass on my kneecaps, and traced my fingers over his name. "I miss you, Ryan."

The unsettling feeling lingered. My heart raced; I felt a bit of adrenaline. I thought it had to do with the confession I would be making to him. I repeatedly retraced him name until the feeling ghosted my fingers. I didn't know what to say or do; I was just there. No particular reason at all.

"Um..." I looked around, saw no one; "Hey. I haven't been here in some time and I apologize. Things have been going off at a rapid pace, ya'know? I wanted to come..."

I paused and shut my eyes.

"No, I didn't. I didn't think about it really, coming here opens wounds and I'm healing. Shane and I, we're really happy, we're inseparable and I love him so much. I've been thinking about marrying him, because I'm not getting any younger and I don't want anyone else but him. I mean, if you were here..."

I shut my mouth and sat back against my heels. I rubbed the middle of my forehead, out of nothing else to do. I looked down at his name, his birthdate.

"I don't know why I'm here, Ryan...what's wrong with me? Why am I so hung up over you?" I ran my hand through my hair, "I should tell Shane how I feel...he'll understand, he's amazing. I hope you don't think I'm boasting him to show you out or something."

I felt entirely silly doing this, especially when I felt like there was someone around. I sighed deeply, touched the flowers and then tweaked my lips. I got up suddenly, wiping the grass blades stuck to the wrinkles on my knees; "I don't know when I'll be back...maybe soon."

I touched the top of the headstone; it feels like a granite counter top, but harder. I ran my finger over the sharp edges and began to back away. I stared at it, as if I were taking a mental picture of it.

I made my way back down towards the sidewalk; the creeping filling me with anxiety. I swallowed thickly and sped up; the sun was going down, the sky was bright hues of orange and pinks. I tried to shake the feeling by watching everything, remembering what was happening; just in case something were to happen.

But, as I continued to walk, nothing did happen. It was quiet, all except the occasional car that passed. I got home just as the sun disappeared; I opened the door and shut it behind me. I went to the living room, pausing completely when I saw Ilene. She was sitting and drinking coffee with my mom.

"Hello." I said softly, gaining their attention.

Mom and Ilene looked at me, smiling. "Hey, Nikki, you remember Ilene."

I gave a nod, Ilene continued to smile; "It's nice seeing you again, Nikki."

I went over and sat across from them, "Yes, good to see you. What brings you by?"

"To visit. I'm on my way to California."

I was still confused. "Oh. I just got in today, myself."

"Where's your boyfriend?" She asked benevolently.

"Back in Burbank, he's editing a film right now."

"I heard he's very popular." She smiled still.

"I guess." I replied sheepishly.

My mom decided to cut in, "Nikki is just staying for a few days. A small visit."

I wondered if she needed money. I had seen her once 2 years ago when she needed some money. I figured that was why she was here.

"Mom," I said shortly, "Will you get me some coffee? I'm really tired."

My mom nodded, "Sure thing, Darling. Do you need anything Ilene?"

Ilene stood with my mom, "Actually, I should get going. My husband is probably having a fit."

My mom looked a little taken aback, but nodded, "Oh, well, it was nice seeing you again, Ilene."

"It was a pleasure. I hope to see you again." She and my mom hugged quickly.

"I'll show you out." I stood too.

My mom went off to the kitchen and I led the way out, Ilene following. I opened the door, and followed her out; I shut the door and patted my pockets for my cigarettes. I tucked one out and put it to my lips; I crossed my the other held my cigarette to my lips, "How come you're here?"

Ilene parted her lips and let out a sigh, "I want you to meet me at the storage facility tomorrow afternoon."

"You need money?" I asked her.

Ilene just looked at me.

"It's okay if you do. You're welcome to the rest of it, Ilene."

She didn't do anything; she only patted my arm and began to leave. I sucked on my cigarette, watching her get into a small car and drive off. I exhaled a cloud of smoke and leaned against the wall next to the door.