Landfill

I went inside the house after a few minutes of sitting in the car, trying to calm myself down. I had shut the door and leaned against it for what seemed like an eternity. My mom had called my name after a few moments, "Nicole? Is that you?"

She appeared and all I could do was look at her. She smiled at me, "Darling?"

My mom came closer and her smile fell; "What's wrong? Did something happen to you?"

I couldn't answer; my mouth dropped to speak, but I couldn't form words. Her hands took hold of my forearms, "Nikki, talk to me."

I swallowed, licked my lips and finally managed to say; "Ryan isn't dead."

My mom's brow furrowed deeply, "What? Of course he is, Nikki. Did you see someone who looked like him on the street again?"

I shook my head, "No! No! It was him, mom. I saw his face, I...I thought it was one of Ilene's sons, one of his brothers, but it wasn't! It was Ryan!"

"Nikki, that's preposterous, you must've--"

"He said so! He said it was a long story! He said he's been watching me!" My skin crawled, "I--I don't...what the fuck?"

My mom's face read skepticism, "You talked to him...?" Her voice trailed.

"Yes! Yes I did. Ilene brought him to the storage facility!" My voice was fast and tight.

Still, she didn't seem to believe me; "Nikki, are you sure?"

"Yes!" I sniffed, "I--I called Shane and told him. He's coming to get me."

My mom took hold of my hands now; "Darling, please, are you positive that you talked and saw this person whom you believe is Ryan? The Ryan Ross who is buried out in Cyan Cemetery."

"I'm positive. Ilene said so herself!"

My mom frowned, brow furrowed again, "I'm going to call her."

"Don't!" I muttered, "I can't--she'll come over! I can't see him--" I stopped short.

My eyes filled with tears; it dawned on me fully that Ryan was in fact alive. He wasn't dead, he wasn't worm food, it wasn't a dread that I wouldn't ever see him again; no, he was alive. He had left me for some reason, and I found someone else.

"He left me." I said in a small tone. "He left me, mom." I blinked away tears.

"Darling Nikki, just take a breath and come sit down." It wasn't a suggestion, it was more of an order.

My mom took my hand and led me to the living room; my dad was sitting in his cushioned lounge chair reading the paper. My dad's whole position was such a cliche; it was comforting. He pulled the paper back and looked at me; "Nikki, are you okay?"

I sat down, my mom looked at him; she stood beside me as she spoke; "Nikki...said she talked and saw Ryan."

My dad folded up the paper with a frown, "What?"

"He faked his death." I said in a sharp tone. "Ilene knew! She brought him to me for some fucking reason!"

My dad shifted in his chair, giving me a confused look, "I'm...I'm confused."

"He was dead and now he's not." I informed short.

"Nicole, are you sure?"

"Yes! I'm extremely positive."

He gave me a look, "What did you do?"

"I denied it, I--I thought it was one of his brothers, one of Ilene's kids, but it was him. He..." I felt tears forming, "He said it was a long story and I slapped him."

My dad looked at my mom and gave her an unsure, skeptic look. I felt like I was going crazy.

"I called Shane, he's coming to get me." I told him. "I can't stay here. I have to go home, I have to get back to Shane."

"Is that what you think is best, Nikki?" My dad questioned. "I think -if Ryan is alive--"

"He is!" I snapped.

He put his hands up defensively, "Okay, okay. Since he's alive and well, you should talk to him. Ask him why he did this."

"I don't want to talk to him!" I spat out, "Not after I almost went crazy, not after all that guilt I carried around for 5 years! Fuck him."

My mom sat and put her arm around me, "Nicole, I think your dad is right. If Ryan wants to see you, to explain, you should let him."

I shot my eyes at her, "I never left him like that! I'm not the one who faked my death and make him go through the hardest 2 years of his life!"

"Nikki, things have changed, he's still a human and he still has some love or good feelings towards you. He must know about Shane."

My stomach twisted, knotted over the fact Ryan had been watching us. He had stalked me, along with Shane; "Oh God, he probably watched us have sex!" I exclaimed. "That bat shit crazy son of a bitch!"

My parents both let out sighs. I let the absent and forgotten tears fall from my eyes and down my cheeks. I wiped them away with the back of my hand, "I want Shane." I cried softly in a defiant tone.

"He's coming." My mom reassured me. "When did he say he'd be here?"

"He was leaving when I called him." I told her. "I feel so violated and used."

"Nicole," my dad began, "I'm going to call Ilene, I'm going to ask her what's going on, alright?" He spoke cautiously, as if his words would break me.

"Go ahead." I grumbled, "I don't care. I don't care."

I was childishly trying to mend myself, wanting to push all the big, bad adult responsibility away from myself. I couldn't stand the thought of Ryan being alive and knowing all these things about me. Maybe if this was 4 years ago, I could have forgiven him, but now, now that I've finally moved on and allowed myself to be happy with someone else, I wanted him as far away from me as possible.


I spent the rest of the afternoon eating my nervousness away. I couldn't stop eating whatever sugary treat in the fridge, and I even made cupcakes. I was occupying my head and fattening myself up.

I just did not care.

I watched the clock above the stove, marking the hours that I last talked to Shane. I never wanted him so badly before; I wanted him here with me. I felt more than secure with him around; he made everything better.

I was hoping that he would show up and I would wake up from a nightmare. I would be at home with him, having made this all up in my head. It would all make sense and would be so fucking simple; my life would be simple again.

But, I was still here. I was still waiting, making myself sick eating cupcakes. I just couldn't stop, no matter how much my stomach begged me to.

I was on my 6th cupcake when I heard my mom call my name. I groaned, my stomach ached, "I'm in here still." I called to her.

I heard feet rushing in, but I didn't turn around. I licked chocolate icing off my fingers when I heard: "Nick."

My heart leaped, my head turned and I looked back, "Shane!"

He rushed over to me, hair a mess, and picked me up from the counter top. I wrapped my arms and legs around him, tears building and rushing down my face and against his neck. "I missed you." I cried.

Shane sighed softly, holding me up by my bottom, "Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yes, now that you're here." That's when the cupcakes started to come up. "Oh, wait, never mind. Put me down."

Shane set me on the floor and I turn and ran out the kitchen down past the stairs to the guest bathroom.