Landfill

The next morning, while Shane was sleeping, I went and called Ilene; I was in my bathroom, sitting on the counter, my leg shaking nervously. The phone rang 3 times before a male voice -one I knew too well- spoke, "Nicole?"

I was stuck speechless for what seemed like a lifetime. He muttered my name again and I cleared my throat, "I want to talk to you."

He was rendered speechless as well. I waited, the sound of his breathing made my heart race. "Where?"

"Queen Tea's; just you and I." I told him in what I hoped was a confident voice.

"You don't want to do this over the phone?" He asked in a concerned tone, "It'd be easier--"

I cut him off, "No, it has to be in person."

He sighed, "Okay."

"Good. Queen Tea's at 1, that's when the school rush is out."

"Yeah, I know. See you then."

I hung up and sat there for a moment. I bit at my thumb, body numb, my head blank. It took awhile to notice that I was crying; tears rolled down my cheeks and down my jaw. I didn't let out a peep, tears just fell.

I wiped them away, cleared my throat and climbed off the counter. I set my phone on the counter and proceeded to brush my teeth. Upon looking myself in the mirror, my reflection looked like a child; the tear stained cheeks, the puffy cheeks, the matted dark blonde hair, and toothpaste running down her baby pink lips.

This is what I was reduced to when it came to Ryan; I was a child. Even before he "died" he treated me like his child; not in a bad way. He cooked for me, he helped me with ideas to write, he comforted me when I felt upset and he practically tucked me into bed when I had a long day and ended it with a kiss to my forehead. I never did those things, per se, for him; I did tuck him in a few times and I would kiss his forehead most of those times. But now, it wasn't the same, I was a sad little girl with no direction and conflicting feelings, with a tantrum brewing inside that no person has ever seen.

I also felt stupid. Stupid and blind that I hadn't seen it before it all went down. The fucking drugs and the late nights, the money; I was really, really fucking dumb and in love. It wasn't Ryan's fault, more so mine because I fell so hard and let my vision blur because of it. I had promised myself I wouldn't let that happen again; that's why I was so cautious with being with Shane; I fell in love with him gradually, I let it sink in.

I shook off my vision and continued to brush my teeth without looking at the mirror again. I rinsed my mouth, used mouthwash and returned to my bed; I had tugged off my jeans, t-shirt and bra; I was only in my underwear and tank top. I slipped beneath the covers and scooted over to Shane, whose back was turned to me, and wrapped my arms around his middle. He shifted a bit, his hand moving to hold mine. "Good morning, love." He said softly.

My stomach fluttered, "Good morning."

"How long have you been up?" He asked in a tired voice.

"An hour." I answered. "I called Ilene, but he picked up."

Shane rolled over so he was facing me, "What did he say?"

"Nothing really...we're gonna meet up at this coffee shop." My heart suddenly fell. "It's where we met, me and him."

"Are you sure you can do this?" He was genuinely curious.

"Yeah..." I trailed, "Maybe."

"Want me to come?"

I wasn't sure. I wanted Shane to, but at the same time, I didn't want him to.

"No, I can do it myself."

"I'm making sure." He said. "Do you still want to come home afterward? I didn't make any flights back, I wasn't sure how long you'd need me."

"You can go home, I'm really sorry I overreacted--"

He cut me off, frowning slightly, "You weren't overreacting, Nikki. This is some heavy fuckin' shit, I would've been upset if you hadn't of called me."

I smile a bit, "I'm glad I did then. I just needed you so badly, Shane; I thought maybe I had gone insane."

He kissed my forehead, "You're not insane."

My stomach fluttered again, "You know just what to say."

Shane chuckled, "Yeah, well, I try to, I'm always unsure what to say to you...you make me feel like a teenager, like a kid."

I raised a brow, "Really?"

He nodded, "Yeah, you do."

I kissed his lips, "You make me all gushy inside. I'm reduced to pudding when I'm around you."

He laughed, "That's the coolest analogy I've ever heard from a girl."

I shrug, "Eh, I'm a writer. I'm full of 'em."

Shane sat up, rubbing his eyes, "Well, Ms. Writer, you wanna join me for a shower?"

I bit at my bottom lip, "Yes, sir."


Leaving Shane at my parents, I went downtown to the familiar shops and cafes. I was surprised at how composed I was, never truly acknowledging what I was about to do. Nothing had commenced until I was parking in the lot behind Queen Tea's; I grabbed my cigarettes and lit one, taking the deepest drag of my life.

I sat in the car, smoking my cigarette as long as I could. Prolonging this meeting for as long as my mind would allow. I smoked the cigarette down to the filter and tossed it out the open window. Turning on the car, I rolled the window up, but I stopped when I heard the passenger side door open. I was terrified for a moment, but a bit relieved when I saw it was Ryan.

But an array of emotions rushed through me as I looked at him. My stomach tightened, heart racing, palms sweating and anger building in my veins. We just stared at each other for awhile before he cleared his throat.

"You sick bastard." I said softly; it just came out of my mouth.

He sat back, "I'm sorry."

"You can say sorry as much as you want, it won't mean shit to me." I spat at him.

"Yeah, I know."

I narrowed my eyes, "How long have you been following me?"

Ryan licked his lips, "I'll tell you everything if you drive out of the parking lot."

"What for?"

"Because I want you to."

I growled, but did what he said. I was so pissed at him, I shouldn't of listened to him. Still, I'm unsure as to why I did; I think old habits die hard.

I pulled out and began to drive; "Where am I going?" I asked.

"Make a left at the next stop light."

I frowned; "Really, where the hell are we going?"

He shrugged, "I don't know."

I nearly slammed the breaks; "What the hell are you doing to me?!" I screamed at him.

"Pull over soon." He ordered calmly.

"Fuck you." I grumbled; my anger flared, I wanted to hit him.

I pulled over, and then shut the car off. I swallowed, and looked at him, then he looked at me; my heart broke again, and again. He looked the same, but different; he didn't look so much like a kid anymore, he looked like a true adult. It made me remember how much I had missed him, but how much I hated him for what he had. "Do you know how many times I broke down and cried because of you?"

"No." Ryan muttered quietly, "But I really am, truly, truly sorry, Nikki."

"Why did you do it?" I asked, tears springing. "Why?"

He slicked his hand through his shaggy hair, "It was my job."

I wasn't sure I would believe him, but I knew I had to listen.