Landfill

Returning home to Los Angeles felt a bit out of the ordinary, in some way. Everything felt different, I felt like a stranger entering a home I had no stake in. Shane had come in behind me, tossing my bag near the hall towards our bedroom; he wrapped an arm around my waist and kissed my cheek, "You wanna come down to the studio and hang out while I edit?"

I looked at him and shrugged slightly, "I'm going to shower first."

"Alright, babe. I'll be in the studio when you're done."

I nodded, and felt his arm slip from around me. I had watched Shane head the opposite direction of the hall leading to our bedroom. This strange feeling filled my chest; I felt lost, almost like I was alone in a big empty space.

Slowly, I began to walk towards our bedroom and then entered the bathroom. I leaned against the counter, not a sound was made, except I heard Shane laugh at something, quite loudly, and then the door to his studio shut. My chest hurt now, I felt my throat tighten and then I started to cry. Tears burned my eyes, rolled down my cheeks in streams; it was bizarre.

I head cupped my face as I sobbed; not stopping myself. I kept on crying until my body just stopped and I was nearly on the floor. You wouldn't believe how much I cried; I was a wreck and I wasn't sure why.

Going towards the shower, I made myself move, even though I was on the verge of falling to a heap of tears again. The water warmed and I slipped my clothes off so I could get in. Once again, I was in a mess of sobs and tears, leaning, facing, against the granite wall.

The water washed over me, until it finally hit me; I missed Ryan. I felt lonely without him, just like before I got with Shane. It was crazy how much I missed him so badly.

My tears and sobs, cries went unheard; I finally got out the shower and wrapped up in towels. I entered the bedroom and sat on the bed; my head ached and my chest was still tight. I hated myself for crying and feeling the way I did. I thought I was over Ryan, but I obviously wasn't. My love for Shane was still there, but I was so torn up inside, knowing Ryan was still alive and I wasn't with him.

I dressed rather slowly, in socks, sweats and in one of Shane's long-sleeve t-shirts; I went on to his studio, knocking on the door. I opened it slowly, seeing Shane sitting in his computer chair, large headphones over his ears. He looked over and saw me, smiled, but it fell just as quick as it appeared.

He took the headphones off and stood up, making his way over to me, "Nick, what's wrong?"

I swallowed and shrugged, "I dunno, Shane."

He let out a small sigh, "Are you hurt?"

I shut my eyes, "No...not physically. I need to talk to you."

He took me over to the other computer chair, and we sat across from each other; my eyes scanned his desk; two screens, two keyboards, lots of disks and empty energy drink cans. I coursed my damp hair back; "I feel so sad."

"Why?" He asked softly, gaining my attention.

"I miss Ryan." I spoke regrettably, "I know that probably sounds upsetting coming from your girlfriend, but that's...I miss him. I...I don't know why."

"Because you know he's alive." Shane murmured. "The "could've-beens" on coming alive, aren't they?"

I shook my head, "No."

"Not yet." He added. "You...you want him, don't you?"

I hung my head, "No, I don't."

"You will. You don't have to be ashamed to tell me, Nikki."

"I'm sorry, Shane." I sobbed and cupped my face again. "I'm sorry!"

He stood and knelt in front of me, "Don't be sorry, honey."

I looked at him, palms dropping, "I never...I don't want this feeling. I love you. I love you more than I love Ryan."

He shook his head, "No you don't."

"Don't say that," I muttered quickly, "I do! I know I do. I promise I do."

Shane cupped my jaw, "Hey, look at me straight, alright? I get it. You love him, I understand. You never got to have a real life with him."

"I have one with you and that's all I want." I said this quickly. The words were flying out of my mouth.

"Nick, I think maybe you should see him again."

"No. No. No."

Shane caressed my cheek, "Do you wanna talk to him?"

"It'll make it worse." I leaned forward and kissed the tip of his nose affectionately, "I only wanna talk to you."

He smiled, "You swear?"

"I swear. I...I just miss him, that's all." I swallowed.

Shane kissed my lips, "Will you tell me if you ever feel like this again?"

I nodded, "I always will. I love you and I trust you with everything I have."

He let my jaw go slowly, stood and took my hand, "This shit can wait, let's just go relax."

"I don't wanna put you behind anymore, Shane."

He shook his head again, "Nah, I want us to be alone having a nice evening together."

My heart fluttered, "You mean that?"

"Of course I do," he wrapped an arm around my waist, "We'll order in, watch something or maybe we can go out if you want?"

I exhaled, "I'd like to go out to eat."

"Good choice," he smiled at me, "Nowhere fancy, right?"

I giggled, "Right."


The next two weeks were hard to get through. My heart seemed to be in a deep tailspin as I went through the days. Every little thing seemed to bring me back to the fact that Ryan was still on earth. You would think it would get old and I'd get over it. I just couldn't seem to.

Shane, he's been my rock and someone I could never take for granted. I would never consider leaving him, especially after everything he's done for me. Even if he hadn't've supported me through this, there'd be a part of me that would've never want to leave his side. He loves me and he takes care of me; both physically and emotionally. I love him so much, it's hard to explain to anyone.

Everyday, he was by my side, making sure I was okay. He let me stay in bed all morning, until noon, reading or writing. He came and made sure I had everything I needed whenever he took a break from editing. In the afternoons, he took me out just for a walk or we went to the bookstore, or more than likely, we went and had lunch. Our days together were mellow, despite the feelings I had in my chest.

After about 15 days, my heart seemed to cool down. I was a bit back to normal; I wasn't thinking about Ryan constantly any longer; he seemed to fade throughout the rest of the week. Shane and I went and had dinner with friends; we all met at this quaint little eatery that his friend Dallon knew all about. We all had some food and then we ordered desert and wine. Shane seemed a little quiet as we waited for our food. I took his hand in mine, "Hey, you okay, Shaney?"

He smiled at me, blushing, "Just fine, Nick."

"You look flushed," I looked over his face, "Are you sick?"

He shook his head, "No, no, I'm okay."

I pressed the back of my palm to his forehead; he was cool. "Okay, I'm just making sure."

We went back to talking to our friends; desert came a moment later and we were served. I had lava chocolate cake and ate just a little as I spoke with everyone. Shane looked a little better; he had vanilla ice cream that he shared with me. I got to the middle of my cake and placed my fork in it; I frowned when I felt something hard hit my fork. "Oh my God, what's in my cake?" I said aloud.

Everyone looked at me as I poked my fork into it and then pulled out a piece. My heart flew into my throat when I saw a large diamond glistening at me. My eyes shot over at Shane, who was smiling sheepishly at me. My hand shook has I took it from my fork and licked off the chocolate; everyone laugh softly.

Shane exhaled and took my hands in his, "Nikki, I know that this is probably the last thing you wanna hear, but I couldn't wait anymore...will you marry me?"

My throat was caught, and I couldn't speak. I stammered, trying to speak, "Y-yeah! Yes, I will."

Everyone clapped as Shane took the ring from me and cleaned it off with the cloth napkin and then slipped it on my ring finger. I hugged him tightly as people around us clapped and cheered. I never felt so sure before, even with a heavy heart like this.