Landfill

Telling my parents that Shane and I were engage was one we did in person. Of course, after letting it sink in, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to do this. My heart ached at the thought of walking down the aisle and seeing Shane there, not Ryan.

I couldn't do it.

That's all I thought while lying in bed with Shane. I couldn't marry him and that too hurt. I love Shane, been in love with him for over 4 years and I wouldn't change him for the world. But, I am still so in love with Ryan, and it only took things like this to make me realize it. I knew I had to tell Shane, I was so afraid to, I didn't want to break his heart.

After we had visited my parents and told them the good news, we stayed at a hotel nearby. We wanted privacy, more so, I wanted to be able to tell Shane the truth by ourselves. I didn't want my parents to be around, I wanted this to be worked out just between us.

"Shane," I said his name softly.

He was in the bathroom, feet away, shaving, while I readied to take a shower. I would've already done it, but I couldn't, not with such a tight chest and Shane just feet away.

"Yeah?" He mumbled.

"I really need to talk to you."

"What's up, Nick?"

I bit at my thumb, "I love you."

He chuckled, I heard water splashing; he must've finished. "I love you, too."

I felt my eyes burn, tears pooling fast. I pressed my palms against my face and began to cry. It was all too much for me to say, to explain to him.

I felt the warmth of his arms around me, "What's wrong?"

I shook my head and dropped my palms, "I-I..." I trailed and stammered, "I'm sorry."

He knelt in front of me now, "Sorry for what?" He sounded desperate.

I shook my was over and over again, "I'm sorry about this...I'm sorry...I can't--can't marry you."

I rubbed my eyes and looked at him; Shane looked down, away from me. He let out a small sigh, "Because of Ryan?"

"Yes. I'm sorry. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be with you."

Shane sighed again and looked at me, "I had a feeling."

"I wish things were different."

He was quiet, "Me too."

"I'm sorry, Shane. I love you more than anything, you know, but..."

"You love Ryan just a little more than me." He added.

"I...I don't know. I...I hate myself."

"Don't hate yourself, Nikki." Shane got up and sat beside me. "I can't say that this...this is a good thing, or a relief, because I want you to marry me."

I sniffed, "I know you do, but I can't."

Shane didn't speak, he didn't say anything. He got up and left the room, causing me to dissolve into tears. I knew that I had hurt him, I just knew I had; I ruined his happiness. Ryan hadn't done anything but return and make me question everything. I'm sure Shane knew that too.

I got up after a few minutes, took a slow, long shower, got out and then dressed. As I brushed my teeth, Shane returned to the room; I jumped when I saw him move around behind me. He came into the bathroom, stood beside me and looked at me with this saddened look. He smelt like booze, I suddenly grew nervous; "Are you drunk?"

He nodded slowly.

"Please don't be mad at me." I murmured, setting my tooth brush off to the side of the sink. "I know that you're mad, but we can--"

"It's his fault." Shane spat out; he was angry now. "He walked away and didn't even give you a warning or even a call after. I helped you cope over his death, even though you didn't tell me all of it, I was still there."

I looked down, "I know you did."

"Then why do you want him?"

"I don't really know." I mumbled. "I don't want to want him, but I do. It's how I feel."

"And if he doesn't want you back?" His voice slurred just a bit.

"Then I'll be by myself, I guess."

Shane shook his head, "You know for sure that I want you, Nick, so why don't you just stay with me?"

"Because I...I won't be able to live with myself if I don't try."

Shane's reflection stared at mine, "You're crazy, Nicole."

"I know, but...I got to try." I swallowed, "Besides, Shane, you're an amazing person, you deserve someone who can love you more than I can."

He hung his head, "No one will love me like you."

"Yes, but they'll love you a lot more than me, I swear to you. Someone out there is waiting for you."

"You're breakin' my heart, Nick."

"I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"Don't be sorry." He cursed quietly. "Ryan should be sorry. If it wasn't for him, you wouldn't be doin' this to me."

"I was ignorant before, Shane! I was," I paused and thought for a moment, "I wasn't really myself...when Ryan left, pretended to die, I wasn't me. I wasn't Nikki, I was a shell, you know? I...I still don't feel 100% myself."

Shane looked up at me again, "You're amazing just the way you are, Nicole."

I turned to face him, took a few steps to close the space between us and hugged him. Shane sighed and hugged me back, burying his face against my shoulder, "I love you so much, Nick."

I rubbed his back, holding in more tears, "I know, I know. I love you, too, Shaney."

He sniffled and hugged me tighter, "You're the first girl to break my heart. It had to happen some time, right?"

I swallowed, "No. I didn't want to do this to you, Shane."

He sighed deeply, "I'll take you back if he doesn't want you."

I shook my head, "I would never do that to you, you deserve someone to love you."

"You love me."

"Yes, but I've broken your heart, babe. You don't need me."

Shane didn't say anything.

I hugged him tighter, rubbing his back, "I love you, Shaney."

"I know you do." He replied quietly.

Shane had let me go after a few minutes, went to the bed, fell on it and fell asleep just seconds later. I sat beside him, tucking his shaggy hair behind his ear. I had kissed his cheek, watching him sleep; "I'm so, so sorry." I whispered to him.

I left Shane there after a few minutes and walked out of the hotel to clear my head. My world was quite fuzzy and I wasn't sure when I'd actually call Ryan and tell him how I felt. As I walked, I past familiar surroundings; past my old apartment building and then I stopped by Queen Tea's.

Going inside, I saw that it was still the same. I hadn't been there in ages, still, I remembered it all. I ordered a large coffee and found a seat on the back, facing the front entry. I sat and looked around, smiling at the memories I had made here by myself; all the chapters I had written and concepts I had thought up. As I did this, the chair across from me scrapped across the floor, jolting me from my thoughts.

I smiled at the person taking the seat, "Is this seat taken?"

"Nope."

Ryan scooted into the table, "What brings you here?"

I thought it over and shook my head, "Some news."

Ryan chuckled and slid the foam cup with my name across it to me, "Black coffee, no cream, just lots of sugar."

"Thanks." I wrapped my palms around it. "Why're you here?"

"I haven't been able to make myself leave." He answered with a shrug. "I moved into our old apartment," he added, "I got a new cat; Captain Knots."

I smiled, "Thats cute."

Ryan hummed. "So, where's Shane?"

I frowned, looking down at my cup, "He's at the hotel. He's...drunk, upset. I broke up with him."

"I heard you guys were engaged...?"

I couldn't look up, "We were until a few hours ago. I broke it off."

"How come?"

I exhaled, "Because my head and heart are elsewhere."

After a minute of silence, he said, "Where are they?"

I finally looked up at him, "Oh, you know...with you."

He smiled faintly, "You love me?"

"Yes. Do you love me?"

"Always have, probably always will."

My heart leapt. "That's why I had to break it off with Shane...I couldn't move on when I knew I couldn't."

"How did he take it?"

"He's sad." I replied softly, "I am sorry for...it all. I love him, but I'm not in love with him."

"Is he mad at me?" Ryan asked curiously.

"I think so."

"I'm not sorry." He said.

"You don't have to be."

He leaned in, "So, where does this leave us?"

I shrugged again, "Maybe I need a place to stay and you have two bedrooms..."

He smiled, "I'm sorry, but that spare room is specifically Knots'. But, I do have a large bed if you don't mind sleeping beside me for awhile."

I felt my heart melt, "I don't mind."