Some Secrets Were Meant to Be Told
So beautiful, you make me smile
When I walked into the Dartmouth student union bookstore I was more focused on trying to find the book I needed and getting to my next class on time, than on much else. I made a run for the Social Sciences section hoping that the book I needed for my Women’s and Gender studies course would be there, and I wouldn’t need to look for it. When I’m stressed I tend to start singing Broadway songs that I feel fit the situation, and that day I just happened to be signing it sucks to be me.
When I got to the shelf I wanted I frantically started searching for the Women’s study book that I needed. I had heard from other members of the class that it had a pink binding, and that it shouldn’t be hard to spot. What they didn’t tell me is that half of the books on the shelf had a pink binding. I bent down and started pulling out books with pink binding, not having any luck. As I was looking I was still singing “It sucks to be me” from Avenue Q, and just as I got to “…fuck! It sucks to be me,” a girl that had been looking at books beside me, looked me over and then said; “I really hope that you aren’t suicidal. I really don’t want to have to help save you my first day as a psychiatry student!”
“No I’m not, I promise,” I said with a smile.
“Can I help you find a book?” She asked, giving me a huge grin.
“That would be awesome,” I said, “I’m looking for a book called Introduction to Women’s and Gender studies.”
“Ah,” She said smiling, “So you have Wiseman,”
“Yeah,” I said, still pulling out books with a pink binding.
“Its right here,” She said handing it to me. It was the book that I had already pulled off the shelf twice, but hadn’t paid enough attention to know it was the book I was looking for. When I looked at the price I almost fainted.
“Shit!” I said standing up, “I don’t have $65 to spend on a book.”
“How about $20?’ she asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked turning to face her.
“I have a copy of that exact same book in my dorm that I’ll sell you for $20, as long as you
don’t mind it having highlighter and little notes in it.”
“If you’ll sell it to me for $20, it could be a stack of papers and I’d take it,” I said, hoping that it didn’t sound too desperate, even if I was. After all, I was living on a college students’ salary. If I didn’t have to spend $65 on a book, I wasn’t going to.
“I’m Alex,” She said, holding out her hand for me to shake.
“I’m Megan,” I said taking her hand to shake. It was petite compared to mine. But then again everyone is petite compared to me. I get called Amazon women a lot. Her hand was soft and elegant. Mine were rough and calloused from my job as a member of running crew for the New Hampshire Theatre Company. I dropped her hand when I realized that I had been staring at it, she just smiled.
“Come on,” she said, “Let’s go get you that book.”
As we walked towards her dorm I realized that she had on a t-shirt from the Dartmouth LGBT Alliance program. The front said “It’s not about gender” and the back said IMRU with a rainbow triangle under it. The shirt really rattled me. I had met gay people before, but the fact that she was so open about the fact that she was gay, made me feel uncomfortable.
We stopped in front of a building that had a giant rainbow painted on the outside. At first I thought that it was just a joke, and she was just going to show me some of the gay people around campus. That hope was shattered when she said, “Here we are! Home, sweet, home.” At that moment I thought about telling her thanks, but no thanks, I didn’t need the book that bad. But the truth was I really did.
As she started walking up the steps I thought about saying that I’d just wait outside for her, but she yelled for me to follow her inside. I tried to pretend that all the gayness around me didn’t faze me, but inside I was counting down the seconds until I could get out. I didn’t want to touch anything because I didn’t want the gayness to get on me. I was afraid that when I walked out of the building everyone was going to be able to see that I had been inside the gay house. That’s what they called it, anyway. It’s a place where all the LGBT members of the student body could come together and know that they would not be judged.
Alex made a sharp right turn inside the door and sprinted up a set of blue stairs marked with a female sign.
“Come on slow poke! Are you coming or not?” she yelled from the top of the stairs.
“Um, yeah I’m coming,” I said as I slowly began making my way up the stairs.
“You can walk a little faster you know,” Alex said when I got to the top, “You aren’t going to catch gay just by being here,”
“But she could catch something else if she wanted to go bobbing for apples,” a girl said as she walked past us down the stairs.
“Hey, Dana, leave her alone. She’s straight. She just came to get a book from me.” Alex said stepping in front of me.
“I was just saying!” Dana said, in her defense, “And I’ve seen some ‘straight’ girls do some crazy things!” She walked down the steps and out the front door.
“Sorry about her,” Alex said looking thoroughly embarrassed.
“It’s alright,” I said, “It’s almost a compliment. I haven’t had anyone, gay or straight, even attempt to hit on me since my boyfriend.”
“So you are straight?” Alex asked.
“Yeah I am,” I said, though not as convincingly as I had wanted to. “I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost three years.” I forced a smile and hoped that Alex would believe that I
was happy with my boyfriend, and not see that I really wanted the relationship to be over with.
“Oh,” Alex said, trying to pretend like she wasn’t as disappointed as she really was.
“I’m sorry if you thought differently…” I started to say and then realized that it was no use, she could see right through me, and she knew I didn’t mean to lead her on. We walked down a long hallway, and made a right turn into the last room on the right. As I stepped through the door after Alex, she shut the door and leaned up against it. She just leaned there with her head against the door, not saying anything. So instead of standing there like an awkward teen, I sat down on her bed and waited for one of us to say something.
After a minute or two, Alex moved from the door and sat down on the bed next to me, still not saying anything. When she sat down I immediately felt electricity between us. We weren’t close enough to touch, but we were just close enough to know that something was there. I tried to pretend like I didn’t notice anything, and Alex following my lead, didn’t say anything either. After she quietly whispered “I’m sorry,” under her breath, she jumped up and started running around the room looking for the book I needed.
After she had been looking for ten minutes she plopped back down on the bed and yelled,
“Damn it! Where is the fucking book? I just had it yester….” And she trailed off as she jumped off the bed again and made a run for her bag. “Gotcha!” she said as she pulled a pink book out of her bag. “I must have put it in there just in case I wanted it for reference.”
“Sounds like a good idea,” I said, trying to suppress the goofy grin I felt spreading across my face. Alex handed me the book and then just stood there, looking at me. I wanted to say something to her, but I couldn’t find the right words to say, and I feared that even if I did find the right words, they wouldn’t come out. So instead I just muttered “Thanks,”
“Anytime,” Alex said, rubbing the back of her neck. “Hey, you can just have the book. You don’t need to pay me for it.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, surprised, and delighted at the same time.
“Positive,” Alex said, “I’m just glad that it’s not going to waste.”
“Well, thank you,” I said, getting up off the bed. “I should probably get going to my class; I’m already late as it is.” I started walking towards the door when Alex came up behind me and grabbed my shoulder, spinning me to face her.
“Since you are already so late, do you want to go grab something to eat, and just get to class tomorrow?” Alex asked quickly, blushing as she did so. I couldn’t explain why, but I had the urge to say yes without a second thought. I wanted to spend time with Alex, get to know her. I’m straight, I kept telling myself. I am straight.
“I’d love to,” I said finally. I felt a weird rush of relief and excitement the moment I agreed to go. I wasn’t sure if I had just agreed to a date, or just a lunch as friends. I was hoping that it was just a lunch as friends, because I’m not gay. I kept telling myself that. I hoped that if I said it enough times I might actually start to believe it.
When I got to the shelf I wanted I frantically started searching for the Women’s study book that I needed. I had heard from other members of the class that it had a pink binding, and that it shouldn’t be hard to spot. What they didn’t tell me is that half of the books on the shelf had a pink binding. I bent down and started pulling out books with pink binding, not having any luck. As I was looking I was still singing “It sucks to be me” from Avenue Q, and just as I got to “…fuck! It sucks to be me,” a girl that had been looking at books beside me, looked me over and then said; “I really hope that you aren’t suicidal. I really don’t want to have to help save you my first day as a psychiatry student!”
“No I’m not, I promise,” I said with a smile.
“Can I help you find a book?” She asked, giving me a huge grin.
“That would be awesome,” I said, “I’m looking for a book called Introduction to Women’s and Gender studies.”
“Ah,” She said smiling, “So you have Wiseman,”
“Yeah,” I said, still pulling out books with a pink binding.
“Its right here,” She said handing it to me. It was the book that I had already pulled off the shelf twice, but hadn’t paid enough attention to know it was the book I was looking for. When I looked at the price I almost fainted.
“Shit!” I said standing up, “I don’t have $65 to spend on a book.”
“How about $20?’ she asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked turning to face her.
“I have a copy of that exact same book in my dorm that I’ll sell you for $20, as long as you
don’t mind it having highlighter and little notes in it.”
“If you’ll sell it to me for $20, it could be a stack of papers and I’d take it,” I said, hoping that it didn’t sound too desperate, even if I was. After all, I was living on a college students’ salary. If I didn’t have to spend $65 on a book, I wasn’t going to.
“I’m Alex,” She said, holding out her hand for me to shake.
“I’m Megan,” I said taking her hand to shake. It was petite compared to mine. But then again everyone is petite compared to me. I get called Amazon women a lot. Her hand was soft and elegant. Mine were rough and calloused from my job as a member of running crew for the New Hampshire Theatre Company. I dropped her hand when I realized that I had been staring at it, she just smiled.
“Come on,” she said, “Let’s go get you that book.”
As we walked towards her dorm I realized that she had on a t-shirt from the Dartmouth LGBT Alliance program. The front said “It’s not about gender” and the back said IMRU with a rainbow triangle under it. The shirt really rattled me. I had met gay people before, but the fact that she was so open about the fact that she was gay, made me feel uncomfortable.
We stopped in front of a building that had a giant rainbow painted on the outside. At first I thought that it was just a joke, and she was just going to show me some of the gay people around campus. That hope was shattered when she said, “Here we are! Home, sweet, home.” At that moment I thought about telling her thanks, but no thanks, I didn’t need the book that bad. But the truth was I really did.
As she started walking up the steps I thought about saying that I’d just wait outside for her, but she yelled for me to follow her inside. I tried to pretend that all the gayness around me didn’t faze me, but inside I was counting down the seconds until I could get out. I didn’t want to touch anything because I didn’t want the gayness to get on me. I was afraid that when I walked out of the building everyone was going to be able to see that I had been inside the gay house. That’s what they called it, anyway. It’s a place where all the LGBT members of the student body could come together and know that they would not be judged.
Alex made a sharp right turn inside the door and sprinted up a set of blue stairs marked with a female sign.
“Come on slow poke! Are you coming or not?” she yelled from the top of the stairs.
“Um, yeah I’m coming,” I said as I slowly began making my way up the stairs.
“You can walk a little faster you know,” Alex said when I got to the top, “You aren’t going to catch gay just by being here,”
“But she could catch something else if she wanted to go bobbing for apples,” a girl said as she walked past us down the stairs.
“Hey, Dana, leave her alone. She’s straight. She just came to get a book from me.” Alex said stepping in front of me.
“I was just saying!” Dana said, in her defense, “And I’ve seen some ‘straight’ girls do some crazy things!” She walked down the steps and out the front door.
“Sorry about her,” Alex said looking thoroughly embarrassed.
“It’s alright,” I said, “It’s almost a compliment. I haven’t had anyone, gay or straight, even attempt to hit on me since my boyfriend.”
“So you are straight?” Alex asked.
“Yeah I am,” I said, though not as convincingly as I had wanted to. “I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost three years.” I forced a smile and hoped that Alex would believe that I
was happy with my boyfriend, and not see that I really wanted the relationship to be over with.
“Oh,” Alex said, trying to pretend like she wasn’t as disappointed as she really was.
“I’m sorry if you thought differently…” I started to say and then realized that it was no use, she could see right through me, and she knew I didn’t mean to lead her on. We walked down a long hallway, and made a right turn into the last room on the right. As I stepped through the door after Alex, she shut the door and leaned up against it. She just leaned there with her head against the door, not saying anything. So instead of standing there like an awkward teen, I sat down on her bed and waited for one of us to say something.
After a minute or two, Alex moved from the door and sat down on the bed next to me, still not saying anything. When she sat down I immediately felt electricity between us. We weren’t close enough to touch, but we were just close enough to know that something was there. I tried to pretend like I didn’t notice anything, and Alex following my lead, didn’t say anything either. After she quietly whispered “I’m sorry,” under her breath, she jumped up and started running around the room looking for the book I needed.
After she had been looking for ten minutes she plopped back down on the bed and yelled,
“Damn it! Where is the fucking book? I just had it yester….” And she trailed off as she jumped off the bed again and made a run for her bag. “Gotcha!” she said as she pulled a pink book out of her bag. “I must have put it in there just in case I wanted it for reference.”
“Sounds like a good idea,” I said, trying to suppress the goofy grin I felt spreading across my face. Alex handed me the book and then just stood there, looking at me. I wanted to say something to her, but I couldn’t find the right words to say, and I feared that even if I did find the right words, they wouldn’t come out. So instead I just muttered “Thanks,”
“Anytime,” Alex said, rubbing the back of her neck. “Hey, you can just have the book. You don’t need to pay me for it.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, surprised, and delighted at the same time.
“Positive,” Alex said, “I’m just glad that it’s not going to waste.”
“Well, thank you,” I said, getting up off the bed. “I should probably get going to my class; I’m already late as it is.” I started walking towards the door when Alex came up behind me and grabbed my shoulder, spinning me to face her.
“Since you are already so late, do you want to go grab something to eat, and just get to class tomorrow?” Alex asked quickly, blushing as she did so. I couldn’t explain why, but I had the urge to say yes without a second thought. I wanted to spend time with Alex, get to know her. I’m straight, I kept telling myself. I am straight.
“I’d love to,” I said finally. I felt a weird rush of relief and excitement the moment I agreed to go. I wasn’t sure if I had just agreed to a date, or just a lunch as friends. I was hoping that it was just a lunch as friends, because I’m not gay. I kept telling myself that. I hoped that if I said it enough times I might actually start to believe it.
♠ ♠ ♠
Long update.I need feedback, please?