Little Girl

I tried to ignore them at first, I tried my hardest to block them out.
They just wouldn't leave me alone. She wouldn't leave me alone.
No matter how hard I tried, they would always find a way to come back - constantly taunting and teasing me and I couldn't make it stop.
The voices, they just wouldn't disappear.
I guess I was never this crazy.
I don’t understand how it happened.
Had I done something to deserve this?
‘Yes’
She’s constantly there, she never disappears. But sometimes, I welcome her.
The thought of someone, something, having so much faith in me that they won’t leave no matter what - is comforting to me.

So here I am, on the edge of ending everything and I just wanted to tell you my story.
Its not a happy one mind you, but I suppose nothing is ever happy.
Nobody is happy, even if they say they are.
Because I can promise you, they’re not.
She came to me a couple of years ago, I was scared in the beginning. Who was she?
I was alone, I’m always alone. But she came to me and fixed that. I never saw it though.

‘Kora. You’re pathetic, Kora.’
I’d looked around the room for the source of the voice. Maybe it was just my brother taunting me again, I ignored it. The voice had almost scoffed, as if it was mocking me.
‘You’ll never going to amount to anything, lady. Not like this’
I’d begun to panic now, this wasn't my brother. I’d never heard this voice before.
‘Kora’
It was more forceful this time, I turned around.
Facing me, she had manifested herself and I was terrified. I was so terrified.
It was a child, no older than 8 or 9 but she looked as if she had seen years longer.

‘You’re not real. I’m not scared of you’.
‘Of course I am Kora, you’re scared of everything. Your mothers going to leave you soon. She leaves everyone else. You’re not special enough for her. You never will be.’
I would've replied then, but I had been interrupted.
‘Who are you talking to, Kora?’ It was my brother, Kyle.
I pointed my hand towards the windowsill but once I turned my head, she was gone.
‘'Don’t you see her? She was there, I swear to you’'
Kyle upturned his nose.
‘You’re a strange girl aren't you, go to bed.’
I’d sighed and nodded, it was just my imagination - I‘d convinced myself, and slowly walked towards my light switch.
Time passes slowly when you lay and wait for sleep doesn't it?
She came back that night.
And the night after.

‘Confront her Kora. Ask her why she doesn't love you’ I’d shaken my head.
‘Are you crazy? I cant do that!’
‘You already are crazy though aren't you, it wouldn't make a difference’
I sucked in a breath.
‘Are you sure?’
‘ Aren't I always?’
She was. Every time.

That night I confronted my mother, I asked her why I wasn't special enough for her, why she preferred everyone over me, why she was leaving again.
She didn't answer, she just left. The door slammed behind her, mocking me.

‘You don’t need her silly, you've got me’
The little girl was constantly there, constantly helping me. She sat beside me.
‘Your brother wants you dead, Kora. He’s planning to kill you’
‘He wouldn’t do that, he loves me!’ she giggled.
‘Of course he doesn't, kill him Kora. Kill him’
‘No. No. No.’

She always got what she wanted in the end, she always proved me right.
I tried to murder my brother that night.
I’d made my mother leave.
So I’d leave too, it made sense didn’t it?

''End it, Kora. End it now.''

That’s why I’m here.
I’m on the edge of this cliff and I’m ready to jump now. I’m ready to die.
She’s watching me as I write this you know, and I’ve come to realize who she is.
The little girl in the white dress, the little girl who looks so much wiser beyond her years, the little girl who is so manipulative that anything she asks of you, you’ll do.

The little girl is myself, and I’m going to kill her.