Promises Are Forever

Journal Entry:
December 4, 2012
I don't understand why people are so deceitful. Telling someone you are in love with them while flirting with two other people is no where near okay. I wish I understood why they think its okay to play others that way, when slowly -- though I shouldn't have been -- I was falling for them, too. Maybe I am the exact person I don't understand. I didn't do it to hurt anyone, I just... fell, blindly fell. But in the end, I not only hurt myself, but maybe.. just maybe the one who lied to me from the beginning got hurt, too?

Ever since my mom had gotten me this journal to write it, it's helped a lot. I've been able to express my feelings and get out what I need to say without the judgement or ridicule of this cruel world we live in. At first, I thought it was the dumbest thing ever and that it was an elementary thing to do, but now... it has definitely grown on me. I don't think I'd run out and tell all my friends about it, they'd probably think I was crazy and, as I had thought in the beginning, that it was an elementary thing to do.
My current problem this week was not between Carter and I, we were doing great. But it was between Trevor and I. Trevor was a student in the sophomore class that I was a student teacher in, though I was only one grade ahead of him, I found him to be annoying at first. Trevor had grown on me, started to walk me to class when Carter couldn't, texting me all hours of the day, and even a late night phone call here and there, nothing serious, and nothing Carter didn't know about.
Soon I came to acknowledge that Trevor was definitely growing a strong liking toward me, and I found myself doing the same toward him, though I felt shameful because I was so dedicated to my relationship with Carter. Trevor began to drop hints, flirting, asking to hang out, and texting me things that a "friend" does not text another "friend". Although I knew I shouldn't I began to feed into it. Not because my relationship with Carter wasn't good, but because Trevor made me feel special -- again not that Carter didn't.
As weeks went by this relationship started to get deeper and deeper until we were talking about wanting to be together. I was feeling more and more shameful as days went on because I was hiding this from Carter, and I knew I shouldn't have been talking Trevor in this way. Eventually, Trevor began to tell me to break up with Carter, giving me reasons such as "he's not right for you", "he treats you badly', and "I would be a lot better of a boyfriend and treat you better". I had mistakenly told Trevor that I would leave Carter for him, which I had no intentions on doing and didn't know what to do to get myself out of this situation.
A couple days past and Trevor was pushing me to break up with Carter, and angry because I hadn't done as I said I'd do. One night, Trevor didn't answer me, no text or call back. I began to worry but felt relieved at the same time. Maybe I wouldn't have to face the problem and it would disappear on its own, I was wrong. Trevor texted me later that night asking why I hadn't done what I said I would do and said he had planned on asking another girl out. I, for some still unknown reason, became very jealous of the thought of Trevor being with another girl, although I was in a devoted relationship. I snapped at Trevor, resulting in him apologizing and telling me it was only because he felt he needed to move on, which I understood.
The next day, I saw Trevor in school and he was acting very strange. He would barely talk to me, and pretty much ignored a conversation when he could. After school, he texted me and apologized for how he had acted and I ignored his apology and express my anger toward him. I quickly texted back telling him I was sorry and didn't mean what I said, but he barely answered me after. The next few days in school were awkward and I didn't know what it would become.
Today, I told him I was sorry and that I shouldn't have reacted the way I did to him wanting to move on. He took my apology, but I didn't seem to change anything between us. Maybe I made a mistake by feeding into his earlier actions and lost a friend. Maybe he is just as hurt as I am by it. I don't know if I'll ever find out but I hope if I do, its not the hard way.