Beneath Your Perfect

“I don’t see why I can’t just read a page?” Liam whined to me as his eyes strayed towards my laptop that was sitting on my desk. I rolled my eyes at his whining.

“Because it’s not ready for anyone’s eyes.” I told him annoyed as I sat on my bed flipping through some photos on my camera while Liam was sprawled out beside me.

“You let Aria and Sarah read it.” Liam said softly. I glanced up surprised at the hurt tone in his voice.

“That’s different Li. I don’t know why but it just is…” I trailed off biting my lip. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face for a moment before looking up at me. I broke the stare and turned back to my camera.

“Do you trust me?” Liam asked me suddenly.

“Of course I do.”

“But not with your life.” He sighed before sitting up. I was confused.

“What do you mean?”

“Dani cheated on me.” Liam blurted out. My eyes widened and my mouth fell open. I didn’t know if I was more shocked by what he just told me, or the fact that he chose this random moment to tell me. There was no bargaining and no begging he came forward by him self.

“What? Why?” I asked shaking my head in confusion. The way Liam acted about Danielle you would never think that she cheated on him. He had never shown any anger to her at all.

“The boys and I had been touring for a while and there were rumours going around that I had been cheating. Then there were a few photos that looked pretty convincing. Dani saw them before I could warn her. So she believed them and she was so angry she decided to get even. So she cheated on me, apparently numerous times.”

“But you never cheated on her.” I whispered to him sadly. He smiled at me softly and shook my head.

“I never was that type of guy. But you know after awhile the media can start to sound very convincing.” Liam said bitterly. Averting his gaze from mine. I reached forward and squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“From there I guess it just kind of went downhill. I got back from the tour and Dani told me everything. I don’t blame her, you know. I’m not angry with her for what she did. She had been through hell and back because of our relationship.”

“But still Liam. She should have trusted you.” I stated adamantly. If you were with someone, you trusted them wholly. To me Danielle was just hiding behind an excuse that Liam seemed willing to give to her.

“You don’t understand. You haven’t gotten the same amount of hate she did. We haven’t been dating that long for you to get what she did. She used to get death threats. I remember watching her cry the first time she got one. That was my fault. I knew that and it hurt a lot.” Liam said, his eyes searching my room to look at anything but me.

“We tried to stay together but after awhile it just wasn’t there anymore. She kept telling me that she felt too guilty so she left. I let her, I didn’t want to hurt her anymore than I already had. After that I swear the media got worse. Everyone believed that Danielle left me because I cheated. My own mother asked me if it was true. I know she thinks I did.” I stayed silent not knowing what else to say.

“The boys tried to get me out of the house and party. But then there were stories written about me that I had gone wild and whatever else they could come up with. It was a load of crap but the worse thing was people started to believe it. Our fans started to believe that I had gone out of control that I was drinking too much and sleeping around. I got hate from our so called fans telling me I didn’t deserve to be in the band or that Danielle deserved better than me. I even had a fan who refused to take a photo with us boys if I was in the photo.” My heart broke for Liam. The world had hurt him a lot more than I thought.

“Then management started to get harder on me, on all of us. They began controlling our free time and our money. I wasn’t allowed to go out as much. We were constantly in rehearsals while they tried to fix the image that everyone else had forced upon me. I could tell the boys resented me. They were being controlled just as much as I was because of that image. So I started to distance myself from them from everyone. But it didn’t work. Everyone got worse. They said that management was hiding me or that they were thinking of firing me. Everything blew up.”

“I’m sorry Liam.” I whispered as his eyes met mine. He sighed and shrugged.

“I wanted this right. I wanted to be the celebrity with the music career. I asked for all of this. But my family didn’t and neither did my friends. Because I was hidden away so well, the paps turned to my family and friends. They were followed and attacked with questions all the time. Other girls at her school because of me bullied one of my younger cousins. Her parents had to take her out of school for a week because of me.” Liam’s eyes filled with tears as he looked at me. I reached forward and placed my hands on either side of his face.

“It wasn’t because of you Liam. It’s not your fault that everyone else lost their humanity.” I said to him softly. His eyes closed briefly.

“From there I guess I just started drinking at home, then I started going out again. I ignored management and began partying. One night I was extremely drunk and I paraded in front of the paps when I took a girl home. I thought that if they were going to make me out to be someone I wasn’t, I may as well become it. So I did. I drank a lot and took a girl home nearly every night. None of my old friends were talking to me anymore because of the paparazzi. So I only had to ignore my family. Which wasn’t that hard, it’s not like they can drive down here all the time.”

“The boys tried to help but eventually I think they just got sick of me. They stopped showing up at my apartment at different times of the day. Harry stopped coming out partying with me. They all just stopped. I only ever saw them in rehearsals. The fans either hated me or still wanted me. But I didn’t care for them anymore. They turned their back on me. They said that they believed in me but as soon as the media printed one thing they all believed them over me. So I guess I just kept going further and further down. That night when I met you, I’m pretty sure I had already hit rock bottom.”

I sat there silently for a moment as a few stray tears slid down Liam’s cheeks. He hastily wiped them away before pulling his knees up to his chest. Despite his size, Liam’s position made him look small and wounded. Liam Payne had not only been broken by the world but by the people he thought had cared about him.

I understood a lot now. Why he hated the paparazzi. Why he didn’t like taking photos with his fans. He felt betrayed by his own fans he no longer knew who genuinely liked him. He isolated himself from his family who at the start didn’t even believe him. His own band mates seemed to have deserted him when he needed them most.

“You can’t be blamed for hitting bottom Liam. No one can blame your reaction. You were constantly pushed and pressured until you finally caved. I don’t blame you for doing what you did. You deserve to be treated so much better then you were.” I told him, moving forward and taking his hands in mine. His eyes reached mine and I felt gutted by the amount of sorrow and pain flooding his beautiful brown eyes.

“You don’t see how amazing you are to me. The fact that you went through all of that and yet you are still here in front of me, that is amazing! That you can even show a small smile heck the fake smiles you use in front of everyone else is amazing. You could have made my life hell when I first met you. When this is all started. And sure you were a handful at the start but despite everything you still cared about me. The fact that you could care about me when you barely knew me makes you one of the most amazing people in the world Liam Payne. You were broken and hurt but you’re not irreparable. You’re trying to get better, be better despite what everyone else thinks. You are amazing for that.” I ranted onto him, putting as much emotion in my words as I could. I needed him to know how I saw him. That he wasn’t pathetic and lost like he saw himself.

His eyes continued to stare into mine like he was searching for something whether I was telling the truth or not. The tears had stopped and one of his hands released mine as he slowly raised it to brush along my cheek.

“I don’t think I deserve you.” He mumbled softly, his hand stayed warm against my cheek.

“You deserve the world Liam Payne. A much better world then what you’ve been given.” I smiled softly at him before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his forehead. I pulled back to see his eyes shut, his face scrunched slightly. He looked adorable I couldn’t help but to press a kiss to his nose. His eyes opened and a small smile graced his features. He leant forward to press a small kiss to my nose in return. A giggle fell from my mouth, disturbing the sullen atmosphere.

“Thank you for telling me that.” I said to him seriously. His face changed slightly but it stayed open and true.

“I’ve been trying to tell you for a while but I couldn’t get it out. You’re the first person I’ve told everything to. It wasn’t easy. But I’m glad you know. I don’t think you realize how much it helps me to have you around. I feel like I can do anything with you here, that I can be anyone.” Liam said smiling hopefully at me. My own smile altered slightly.

“But I don’t want you to be anyone but you okay?” I said quickly. Liam rolled his eyes at me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest as he fell back on the bed. I frowned into his chest. He wasn’t taking what I said seriously. I was afraid that he would try to act or be someone else, when I only wanted him to be him.

“So are you glad you know me better now? Or are you wishing you never asked?” Liam’s voice broke through my thoughts. I moved my head so I could stare up at him. I could see the worry across his face.

“I’m glad that you told me Liam. It was a lot more than I expected. So I think I owe you something.” I told him deciding in my head that it was okay to do this. He watched me curiously as I climbed out of his arms and walked over towards my wardrobe. I turned back around to him and instantly my thoughts couldn’t help but notice how amazing he looked lying on my bed. It was a picture that I knew I could get too used to and that worried me slightly.

Ignoring the thoughts playing through my head I smiled at Liam softly before beckoning him over. He was completely confused as he walked over this only made his features improve. Any emotion that Liam used could only ever improve his features.

“No one else has ever seen this okay. And I never really planned on showing anyone this until now.” I told him before opening the doors to my cupboard. Liam glanced in at all my clothes and shoes and frowned at me.

“I’m not really sure what you’re getting at but if you tell me that you’re a shopaholic, I’m inclined to believe you from what I’m seeing.” Liam teased me. I rolled my eyes and smacked his chest lightly before bending down to push shoes aside and I tugged at a large box. It was extremely heavy and Liam ended up leaning over me to pick it up. I shot him a smile and directed him to the bed. He placed it down and looked at me waiting for my next move.

I stepped forward and lifted the lid as Liam looked in at all the books stacked on top of each other within the box. There were exactly 53 books in there.

“Are these your journals?” Liam asked softly as his eyes widened in realization. I nodded at him as his hand reached out and lightly brushed over a few. I was surprised how much I didn’t mind him touching them. Anyone else would have made me panic and probably snap at them but something about Liam made me sure that he wouldn’t tease me, he wouldn’t use this knowledge against me. These books were my life.

“I do trust you with my life Liam. I do because I want you to read these, if you want to?”

“If I want to? Of course I want to. But are you sure Jade. I get that these are private.” Liam said softly, pulling his hand back and grabbed mine instead. I smiled up at him and squeezed his hand.

“I’m sure Liam. I want you to know everything about me just like I want to know everything about you. You told me everything but I can show you through my words.” I looked down slightly as Liam reached a hand forward again and picked up a few books, glancing over the covers and a few on the inside. I watched his face as he looked at them all like they were a gift from God. He treasured them as much as I did and I knew I could trust him with them.

“Thank you.” He said suddenly, turning to me and wrapping his arms around me. I happily fell against his chest and breathed in his smell. “Thank you for so much more than this. Thank you for everything.”