If These Sheets Were States

I spent the next few weeks alone and as low as ever. I was in a funk that I couldn't get out of, all I did was cry, get drunk, pass out and repeat. I hadn't been to work, I hadn't even called in, they had tried contacting me, I was pretty sure that I had lost my job by now though. Honestly, I didn't even care. I felt so numb, whenever I had the slightest feeling of anything else I just got drunk to forget it. It was beyond pathetic that I was like this over a boy, a boy who may have broken my heart yet again but I was ruining my life now just because of that. I wasn't even drinking any more to forget him, I just didn't want to feel anything any more, I wanted to become so numb so that I would never get hurt again. Seemed like a good idea to me.

I needed to cut the drinking down though somehow or at least disguise it, I actually needed to leave the house today to buy some food (even though I had barely been eating anything, I wasn't even hungry). I had lost over a stone in weight from not eating, although I was surprised that the amount of alcohol I was consuming wasn't cancelling that out since it has so many calories in. I could feel myself developing a problem but I didn't even want to do anything about it to stop it. I just felt so over everything, I was completely done with my life and that was a feeling that I hadn't felt in years. It wasn't a good place to be back in.

My phone began to ring and my mum's name popped up on the screen, I had been ignoring her calls for ages, I guess I couldn't do that any longer. I picked it up, unlocking the phone and putting it to my ear. With my other hand I grabbed my whiskey, swigging a long gulp from the bottle, the burn of it sliding down my throat.

"Hello?" I grumbled.

"Thank god. Why haven't you been answering my calls? I've been so worried, I've had calls from your work saying that you haven't been in for weeks with no reason why, they've tried coming round and knocking to get no response. I thought that you were dead or something!" My mum rushed out, her voice trembling.

"Well it would have been better if I was dead. Unfortunately though, I am still here. Also if you were that bothered about me being dead then you could have easily just came here to find out."

"Do not say that Jennifer. Do not ever say that. Why would you even say such a thing? And for your information I was terrified, I didn't want to come and find your body or something. I told your friends at work to keep coming round and see if they could get into contact you, I've been ringing you every single day. You couldn't even give me a text to let me know that you are okay. I have a life Jennifer, I have a job, a teenage son who is out of control, oh and probably a cheating husband. My life doesn't revolve around just you. Don't be so selfish."

"Oh yes, me wanting to die is so selfish. Sorry to be such an inconvenience to you. Well know you know that I'm alive so you can go again, go live your life." I snapped.

"You know I didn't mean it like that. I'm just worried about you honey. I want you to come and stay with me for a while so you can get back on your feet. You are too far away, we can help you find another job and you can move back down here."

"I lost my job didn't I? Fuck." I couldn't say anything more without crying.

I was such an idiot, I had ruined everything all because of being this upset over a fucking boy. It was ridiculous, I was ridiculous.

"I'm afraid so, it just wasn't professional you not going in with no reason, you should have at least called in and said that you needed some time off sweetheart. You were working for a big company, lots of people want to work for them so they will replace anyone who does not keep to their standards."

"I'll pack a suitcase and head to the airport. I'll just get whatever plane to Baltimore is next, I'll text you what time to pick me up when I'm there."

"Good girl, I look forward to seeing you. It's all going to be okay."

"I have to go now, bye mum." I said hanging up before bursting into tears again.

I found myself sobbing as I shoved loads of clothes into a bag. I grabbed my backpack shoving my chargers, laptop and camera into it. I was meant to be making a great life for myself out here and I was until Alex came back into my life. I was doing so so well. I had an amazing job, I had a great house to live in and now I have nothing? Now I'm going back home to my mum's to stay with her, I'm going back to square 1. This was not how I saw my life. It just made me realise how even more pointless it all is, once again.

*

The plane journey wasn't long and before I knew it we were pulling up at my mum's house. I didn't know why I felt so nervous, maybe it was just because I hadn't lived here in so long and I had my own place so it didn't really feel like my house any more? I also had never lived with my brother or my step dad so that was also going to be interesting.

We went inside and I went straight upstairs to my bedroom to unpack my stuff. I laid down on my old bed sighing deeply, I could feel myself wanting a drink and well I wasn't going to deny myself. I hadn't brought any with me so I was going to have to go out later and get some.

I went back downstairs when my mum called out for dinner, she had made a full roast dinner (knowing that it was my favourite).

"Do you want some wine with your meal sweetie?" My mum asked.

I nodded enthusiastically as she poured me a big glass of red wine. I finished it within seconds and then topped it up myself. I tried to pretend that I wasn't getting odd stares from the entire table as I stared at my food. Maybe I shouldn't have been so obvious about it. I had a couple more glasses of wine during dinner, finishing off the bottle all to myself. I could hear my mum on the phone in the kitchen after dinner talking to someone about how she was concerned about me drinking so much during dinner, but then I heard her say that it was probably just because of how stressed I was so it probably wasn't even an issue. Least I could now use that as an excuse.

I told my mum that I was going to walk to the shops to buy some snacks to have a movie night by myself. That was a lie, I was just going to by drink and then get pissed by myself. The walk to the shop I wanted to buy from wasn't that long, only 20 minutes or so. When I got there I went straight to the alcohol section, picking up the biggest bottle of whiskey, a bottle of vodka and a bottle of wine. Beautiful. I took them to the counter and paid for them, wasn't cheap but did I regret it? No.

I didn't want to go home and drink there, I didn't want my family to find out realistically. I remembered that the park I always used to go to and hang out with my friends wasn't far from here. I could just go and sit in the open area bit and have a small drink there. That sounded like a good idea.

Once I got there I sat down underneath the tree and opened up the wine first, it would be much easier to drink. I drunk the bottle so quickly, in less than 20 minutes and then chucked it to the side. I was bursting for a wee but I didn't want to break the seal so I decided to hold it. I opened up the vodka next taking long gulps from it, I could drink vodka like water which I guess was slightly worrying. When I was fifteen and I used to drink with friends even one shot of vodka would make my throat burn and I would be sick straight away.

I don't even know how long I had been at the park, I had gotten through a bottle of wine, a bottle of vodka and half a bottle of whiskey. I had never ever drunk this much before, especially not when I was alone but I really just didn't care any more. I didn't care what happened to me, I didn't care if I didn't wake up and I didn't care if I was dead. All I cared about was finishing this bottle of whiskey and so I did.