If These Sheets Were States

I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders, shaking me awake from my drunken slumber. I squeezed my eyes shut - not wanting to awake or be awoken. Whoever it was could just run back off to wherever they came from, I did not want the company.

"Wake up. Please. Are you okay? How much have you drank?" The soft familiar male voice said.

I opened my eyes to see a pair of concerned brown, friendly eyes staring back at me. Alex. A sense of relief flooded through my body but at the same time I felt my heart wrench and the emptiness I had been feeling came back to me. I could even get any words out, instead I was just sitting there with my mouth wide open, looking like an idiot.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked again.

I shook my head a little too fast as I could then feel the rise of vomit coming up my throat. I had no choice but to let it out, throwing up all over the grass. What was wrong with me? I wasn't some teenager any more who had no responsibilities and could just get drunk and pass out in the park like I used to. I was an adult, I had a good life, a good job, my own home and I lost all of that because of my stupid, idiotic, pathetic behaviour. Alex rubbed his hand across my back helping me get the rest of it out.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and felt a few salty tears slip out. I was a mess. A fucking mess and it was all his fault. Or was it? Was it really fair of me to blame all of my problems on him? But then again I wouldn't be like this if he hadn't of come back into my life. My head was a complete jumbled mess, I didn't have any answers to all of my questions and I no longer felt like I had control of my own life or that I could look after myself any more. I was terrified of who I was becoming.

"I'm fucked Alex. I am so fucked up."

"You're not fucked. You're just going through a bad time which you of all people can get through. You are so strong."

"No I'm not. You don't know me any more. I've got like this over you Alex, over a boy. How does that make me strong if I've been drinking myself to death? I haven't been eating, I've lost my job, I've had to move back home all because I'm fucking in love with you and you don't feel the same way. You have a baby and a wife and I still want you. It's pathetic. Oh god it really is." I rushed out, hardly believing that I was confessing all of this to him.

"I'm so sorry but drinking like this isn't the way to deal with things. I know I confused you when I kissed you and then I got mad at you but that was just because I was so embarrassed and ashamed of what I had done. That's not me, I'm not a cheater no matter how bad she treats me it's not right for me to do that. I do have a baby with her, a family and I need to respect that. I'm finally growing up, settling down, leaving the band is a massive thing and I'm not dealing with it will but it has to happen for me to move on with my life."

"How did you find me Alex? Why did you find me any way?"

"Your mum rang me and said you hadn't come home last night. She thought maybe you would have come to me or one of the other guys and I said I'd go look for you, I thought you'd be here. You used to always come here for everything, when you were sad, when you just wanted to be alone, to read, to listen to music and especially to get drunk."

"I'm surprised you remember all that, it was so long ago."

"I'll always remember. Some of my favourite times when I was younger was coming out here with you. I miss you like crazy you know? I think about you every single day that goes by. I regret a lot of things in my life but I regret losing you the most. I regret fucking you about and then just leaving you. I was an awful person and you have to know how sorry I am. You will find some guy out there who is amazing for you, who fucking deserves you and will treat you right. It will happen I promise you. You deserve the world and I'm sorry that I couldn't give that to you." Alex said choking up a bit.

I still felt a little too drunk to be taking this all in but I knew that I needed to pay attention to all of this. Alex wasn't the sort of person to just open up like this and when he did it was really special because he would let his guard down completely and just tell you exactly how he feels about everything.

"I forgive you Alex. I really do and I need to as well so I can completely move on, it's so stupid that I'm still stuck on you when you moved on with your life a long time ago. I'm gonna be okay and I will meet that special guy one day and I hope that when I do that me and you Alex can start rebuilding our friendship. I miss it so much, we were once so close before our feelings got involved, you were my best friend and I could tell you anything. I could go to you with everything and you were always there for me. I miss our closeness, I haven't been so close with anyone else since. I haven't even been able to trust someone like I used to trust you. Just us being friends will bring about some closure."

"I want it all back too. I'm going to make sure it happens. We're going to be okay you know? I'm not gonna screw this up again, I don't want to lose your friendship again. It was so important to me at one time and I know it easily would be again."

"We're going to be okay Lex. I know we will."

Alex pulled me into a tight hug and memories flooded through me again. Happy feelings, I felt so happy, in what had felt like the longest time.

In all the years I had known Alex it had just been a complete whirlwind of craziness, thinking about it now I wouldn't change anything because I had him back now. Even just as a friend. In time I'd move on completely, I would meet someone new to settle down with and I was excited for that. I was excited for a fresh start, a new life, one that wouldn't be controlled by how I felt as a teenager. I was going to be truly happy now and I would be doing it for myself, not in the hope that it would win some guy back. It was now time for me, time for me to get back on track and I could not be more excited about it.

And I guess that's how the story ends...