Just a Fool

I woke up, my heart hammering beneath my breast. The hair that fell from my braid was sticking to my face from the buckets of sweat that was pouring from my skin. I gasped for air and my hands went to my throat as I sat up quickly, pushing the blankets off me trying to check my surroundings. I held my hands at my throat, just to make sure that the only hands present on my body were my own, because somehow I could still feel his hands all over my body, grasping at my skin and pulling at my hair.

I felt dirty and gross, and every time I closed my eyes all I could see were his. I’d be sucked back into a memory I’ve tried so hard to block out for quite some time now, but it seems that everyone once in a while I realize how I had failed to keep the memories at bay. I can’t keep them locked up, not when I sleep, because that’s when they most affect me.

That’s when he comes to get me.

I chocked back a sob and hopped out of bed. There was only one person who could help me with this mess, only one person who has ever kept my dreams from getting to me. Even though we were in a fight at the moment, I could care less—I needed security, and it doesn’t matter if he knew it or not, but he is my security.

So I opened my door and snuck through his, knowing that she wouldn’t be here tonight. I opened door slowly to see that he was lying on his stomach, his back to me and his tattoo’s clear as day. The moon was shining through his windows and onto him, casting shadows all over the room. I tried to control my heart as I made my way towards his bed and pulled the blankets back.

As I got into bed, I could feel the memories of his face beginning to vanish from my memory, except the touches still remained.

I kept my crying quiet so that I wouldn’t wake Matt up, but clearly I wasn’t doing such a good job. I felt the bed moving beside me and looked over to see Matt, his right arm keep his head up. His tired, glazy hazel eyes looked down at me with his unsaid apologies. “Again?” He whispered.

I bit my lip and nodded my head, my tears falling onto my cheeks. He sighed and moved closer and went on his back, where he then pulled me closer to him. Slowly, the feelings of Marcus’s hands on my evaporated and was replaced by the feeling of Matts—his touches full of love and security, showing me I could trust him.

I let my head read on his chest and his hands began to run through my hair.

“Someday,” He said under his breath, “These will go away, Evie, I promise.” I nodded into his chest and wiped at my eyes before draping my arm over his stomach.

“Thank you,” I whispered softly, my lips just gazing his chest and my breath tickling. His hand stilled for a moment and I felt his chest stop moving for a split second, almost as if I imagined it, before his hands started to move again. I closed my eyes at his touch and found myself slipping away to the sound of his breathing.

__

I woke up to his bedroom door slamming against his wall. I jumped far from the warm arms that were around me and fell off his bed. Dazed and panicked, I looked around to the door to see all five feet and six inches of Brandi, her eyes blazing with anger. I looked up at the bed to see that Matt was sitting up and rubbing the sleep away from his face, muttering swears beneath his breath.

I sighed; knowing there was a fight about to happen and stood up off the floor. Deciding that Matt was there to help me through my worst time last night, I smiled softly to Brandi and whispered a good morning before squeezing myself between her and the door frame. I think she purposely left no room for me to get through, but I did so anyways.

“Why is that hag in your bed?” She began. I looked back to see the door slamming shut, and prayed for Matt.

I rubbed my eyes and made my way down the stairs to find a body on the couch. I did a double take to realize that it was Brian, his hat on his face and one arm off the couch, the other draped over his chest. I figured it was a rough night last night and made my way into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee.

__

Two hours later, Brian and I were sitting on the porch enjoying the early afternoon sun. I had a Smirnoff in one of my hands as I set back and sun bathed. The radio was going on in the background for some noise, but the chatter between Brian and I was blocking out the noises of make-up sex from the house.

“Why do you think you still have these dreams?” Brian asked me as I placed my sunglasses on my head. I was started to sweat and wanted to go for a quick swim, but was too lazy to actually get up off the chair. I brought the Smirnoff to my lips to hide the hesitation to his question.

“I don’t know,” I admitted, “I was told that it could be PTSD, because I was so young and it was traumatic.

Brian nodded and took a sip of his beer, his glasses staying on his face. He had told me he and Michelle had a blow out and she kicked him out last night. When I asked why he didn’t go to Ambers, he said he fucked up and she was pissed off with him for leaving her the night before. I tried to tell him he needed to leave Michelle, but he told me he had a hard time throwing away nearly half a decade of the past he had with her.

I guess I could understand that part, right? I mean, Mattie and I have known each other for quite some time now and I knew myself I couldn’t let our relationship fail.

“Why do you still model,” Brian asked as he finally removed his sunglasses. He saw the look I had added: “If you don’t mind me asking.” I shrugged—it wasn’t a question meant to hurt me, so I nodded.

“I love it.” I said simply. “I like the free things I get, the getting dressed up part.” I laughed, “What can I say? I love being a girl.”

Brian chuckled and shook his head. “You should get Amber a modeling job.”

I sat back in my chair, “I’ve brought it up to her once or twice.” I admitted. I thought back to when I first told her she should come to a shoot with me, but she had declined. I knew that she was scared, knowing that she had been there for me since we were in diapers, too. My parents practically raised her and today it’s almost as if we’re sisters.

“I think you’ll love it!” I said as I set down the bags of dresses I was given for the job today. Amber had dropped by the studio to grab me since I let Mattie borrow my car to take out his latest skanky bitch. I warned him if I even found a piece of clothing in my backseat I was gonna kick his ass.

Amber’s blue eyes looked me and she shook her head. “I’d really like to, Evie, but I’m too scared to.” I sighed and tried my best to put on a strong face-because I knew too well why she was scared to even do it. “How can you do it?” She blurted out.

I dropped my purse onto the floor and looked at her. “The truth?” I whispered and she nodded.

“But only if you can.” I shrugged—maybe if I talked about it, it could help me deal better. But I’m betting on that maybe with a slim chance of it actually working.

“It scares the shit out of every time I step up on the set and pose. Every time I look into that camera, I see him on the other side—every time. It doesn’t matter if I can see whoever is shooting then as clear as day, I still see Marcus. And every time I do, I freeze.”

“Has she said anything about wanting to do it?” Brian voice rang out, bringing me back to the present. I sighed, put my empty bottle on the table besides me and looked over at him.

“To be honest,” I said, looking out at the water. It looked cool, refreshing and inviting. So I stood up, pulled my hair into a bun and began to walk over. I looked over my shoulder at Bri and he was watching me. “I think that she’s too scared.”

He shrugged and lunged into the water. I thought back to when I was first kidnapped, when I was thirteen, and tried my best to push all the anger, the pain and memories out of my pores and into the water.

And it almost worked.