Unlovable

Variel arose the next day in her usual manner. She swung her legs over the bed, pushed off the mattress, and sauntered into the girls' dormitory bathroom to stand underneath the shower head. The steamy water trickled down her body slowly and each drop reinvigorated her, her senses coming to life with each passing second. Once she was finished and dressed appropriately for her first day back, she left her shared room that was bustling with obnoxious life of boy-crazy females and headed out into the common room.

The luxuriously furnished emerald dungeon didn't hold many of her fellow Slytherins, most of them were already at the Great Hall enjoying their breakfast while the rest were still getting ready, but a small group did manage to pique her interest with their small chatter as she made her way through.

“Poor little Potter couldn't do a thing.” Malfoy smugly announced, a signature smirk residing upon his features as his goons, Goyle and Crabbe, listened attentively. “You lot should have seen him looking as pathetic as he did. It's a shame someone had to have come to his rescue, as usual. It would've been fun to have seen him running to Dumbledore asking for help.”

“No one knows who got him out of there?” Goyle mumbled.

“Must've been one of his Mudblood friends,” Draco muttered disdainfully, like the simple thought of those without pure blood was enough to make his skin crawl.

As Variel was about to take her leave through the stone wall, her name was called by none other than that platinum haired Prefect. “Helling!” She stopped herself and looked over her shoulder to see Malfoy looking at her. “So that is your name after all.” He mused.

As Variel wasn't one for much social interaction, she was almost always overlooked by her peers as she blended into the background effortlessly, making her name hard to remember by even those in her year. “What do you want, Malfoy?” She droned out.

“Why were you late to the feast last night?”

“I don't have to tell you that.”

“I'll have you know I'm a Prefect.” He retorted, standing up and smoothly walking over towards her. “And it's my duty to keep students in line.”

How could I forget with your incessant boasting? She wanted to throw those words at him and leave him to be on her way, however, Variel wasn't stupid. She knew that she had to pick and choose her battles, and knowing the “connections” that his family had made it clear that Malfoy wasn't one of them. “If you must know, I was in the ladies' room. Satisfied?”

“You didn't see whoever helped out Potter, did you?” He persisted.

“No, I didn't.”

“Fine, then.” He walked away to rejoin the two lackeys that resided upon the sofa. If she didn't have the answers he wanted, she was of no use to him. Deciding that it was now alright for her to resume her way to the Great Hall, she shook her head from the slight annoyance and left the Slytherin Dungeon.

Breakfast was carried out without incident. She sat at the end of the Slytherin table by herself and ate what was available in silence. It was nice and enjoyable, or at least it was better than her morning run-in with Draco.

Halfway through, Professor Snape approached her and handed her a slip of paper — her class schedule, and she silently bid him good morning out of common courtesy, to which he grumbled out something that she could only assume was a “good morning” in return. As she scanned over her list of classes for the year, the boy the Gryffindors commonly knew as a ferret vanished from her thoughts once she saw the numerous free periods she was graced with. Instead though, she was reminded that these free periods weren't provided for fun, but for studying for the N.E.W.T.s that would be creeping upon her in the near future.

Her first class for the day was Defense Against the Dark Arts, with Snape being the newly appointed professor for the subject, and for some reason she wasn't exactly looking forward to it. Perhaps it was because she was already barely scraping by in the subject and now she also had to deal with the way Snape droned on monotonously? She figured only time would tell, and so for now, with her first free period of the year, she decided to head to the library to study and prepare for what was to come.



Hermione was standing before the door for Defense, for once in her life praying that Snape would open the door and class would start so she would be able to put down the couple of books that weighed a good few pounds each... however, even that would be a gross exaggeration. As time continued to tick by, more students came to queue, joining her to bide time.

One caught her eye as she noticed it was the ebony haired girl from the compartment yesterday – Variel. Both females noticed one another and Hermione could feel a strange air envelope them. She quickly nodded her head in acknowledgment of the Slytherin, seeing Variel return the gesture, before she looked the other way.

While she could have simply ignored her presence, it wouldn't have felt right, even to Hermione. Helling still may have been a Slytherin, but she had allowed Hermione and her group to ride in her compartment and hadn't spread any word about their conversations around the school... yet. Hermione didn't think it right to hate Variel without good reason, so she would simply wait for one to arise. And if Variel was like any other Slytherin, she wouldn't be waiting for too long.

Soon enough, Ron and Harry came along, not noticing the girl that blended into the background with ease, and soon were chatting about what was to come for this lesson. Once they were all allowed entrance into the classroom, it was like they were seeing Snape's very personality through the decor. With dreary curtains to hide the sun's rays and candlelight in its place, along with the numerous moving portraits of horrible injuries and the like, none could say that this was a very inviting learning environment.

As the class started and Snape began to give a speech about the Dark Arts, Variel was lost. No thoughts consumed her mind, but her mind did wander. Her eyes would occasionally dart between the gruesome paintings that caused many of her classmates to cringe, wondering how one was unfortunate enough to procure such an ailment. It wasn't until Snape brought up the first lesson did she return to her senses.

“You will now divide into pairs that I will decide. One partner will attempt to jinx the other without speaking. The other will attempt to repel the jinx in equal silence.”

At the thought of being put into pairs by the professor, a few murmurs of disappointment commenced, though were quickly silenced by his sharp words. Pairs were called and soon Variel heard her own leave the tip of his tongue, “Helling and Potter, Granger and Longbottom, Patil and Weasley...”

Potter? Why did it have to be Potter?

After the names were called, everyone rose to their feet and met their partners, Variel silently meeting Harry who looked a bit lost. It wasn't until she entered his line of sight that he remembered as to who she was. A similar awkward air surrounded the both of them, just as it had with Hermione, and Harry was unsure of what to say.

Variel then spoke for him. “Let's just get this over with.”

“Uh, sure...” he nodded uneasily, walking a few paces back as she did the same, readying themselves for the exchange of jinxes and shield charms.

Unbeknownst to Snape and a few other students who weren't part of Dumbledore's Army last year, Harry had practically taught half of this same lesson last year, which meant all of those who were taught under him had a certain edge in this particular task.

Variel went first. Her wrist flicking her wand about smoothly as she murmured the incantation instead of doing what she was required. She had never attempted a nonverbal casting before, the feat itself sounding rather daunting to her as she knew not everyone could do it, and so she decided — like the rest of the class, to try and cheat her way through the lesson.

Variel's jinxes were inadequate though, and so Snape stepped in to provide guidance. “Miss Helling, as you are still a novice, let me show you the proper technique — ”

Snape's wand flicked in Harry's direction with haste and Harry responded with pure instinct, not remembering that the lesson was to deflect jinxes with nonverbal spells. “Protego!”

The Shield Charm was so powerful that Snape was sent backwards into a desk. The entire class stared in shock and slight amusement as Snape straightened himself out, scowling, “Do you remember me telling you were are practicing nonverbal spells, Potter?”

“Yes,”

“Yes, sir.”

“There's no need to call me 'sir', Professor.”

Few students gasped while the others did their best to hide their growing smiles of entertainment, and then ensued a booming silence where one could hear the lightest of pins drop.

“Detention, Saturday night, my office.” Snape growled. “I do not take cheek from anyone, Potter... not even 'the Chosen One.'”

Once class was over, everyone made a bee-line for the door, most of the students finding their once lost enthusiasm once more as they began to chat about Harry's retort to Professor Snape. Variel could hear the redhead from yesterday going on about how it was “brilliant” from down the hall. While she wasn't sure if it could be considered brilliant, she did have to think it was rather amusing... either that or downright reckless.



A little while passed in an instant and Variel was soon making her way towards her next set of lessons — Double Potions with Professor Slughorn. She was proud of herself for her first day back as she had managed to finish the complicated homework for Snape's class rather quickly, though it wasn't easy in all honesty. After walking through a few corridors in the dreary dungeon, she entered Potions and saw that there were only a few others who were able to progress onto the N.E.W.T. level. There were a few Slytherins, unfortunately one of them being Draco, a few other students from different houses, and then there was the acclaimed Golden Trio who were talking to the lone Hufflepuff, Ernie Macmillan.

Variel sat down at an empty seat unnoticed, taking hold of a few strands of her black hair and playing with the ends to pass the time. No more than a minute passed before the dungeon door opened and Slughorn came waltzing in, greeting everyone with a nod but showing particular fondness towards Potter and Zabini.

Class commenced immediately, and after a book issue with Harry and Ron was sorted, Slughorn began his lecturing. “Now then,” he cleared his throat with a smile, “I've prepared a few potions for you to have a look at, just out of interest, you know. These are the kind of thing that you ought to be able to make after completing your N.E.W.T.s. You ought to have heard of 'em, even if you haven't made 'em yet. Anyone tell me what this one is?”

Just as it had in Defense, Variel's mind wandered. Granger was, as usual, the one student to excel and answer the Professor's questions without hesitation, without having to think it over or take a guess. It wasn't until one potion in particular came up did she find her attention was captivated.

“It's Amortentia!”

“It is indeed.” Slughorn smiled in amusement, asking her to share with the class what it was.

“It's the most powerful love potion in the world!” She answered.

“Quite right! You recognized it, I suppose, by its distinctive mother-of-pearl sheen?”

“And the steam rising in characteristic spirals,” she added. “It's also supposed to smell differently to each of us, according to what attracts us, and I can smell freshly mown grass and new parchment and—” Before she could finish, her cheeks turned a bright shade of red in embarrassment, her mouth clamping shut before she could finish.

As the class continued, Variel was lost in thought. Amortentia – a love potion, was what made her who she was, was what brought her into this world.

She knew that she was conceived in a loveless manner, where her “father” drugged Wendy and the two then went on to create her. Variel wasn't supposed to know as Wendy wanted to hide the fact from her daughter that she had never wanted Variel in the first place. While Variel was an unplanned child, she was still Wendy's, and the mother couldn't bring herself to give her away. After all, it wasn't her fault that she was brought into the world in such a manner.

Variel was sure that the only type of love she would ever know of was the motherly love Wendy was trying to give her by keeping Variel in her life.

Variel discreetly sniffed the air, trying to make out a scent – any scent – that would maybe hint at her that she cared about something. The air had never smelled so bland. Though instead of her insides churning with unease, her stomach sinking to the soles of her feet, or her heart tearing itself apart from the lack of any aroma, she couldn't feel a thing. Just as she could not experience love, the rest of her couldn't experience any disappointment.

Variel Helling knew that she would never have an understanding of what it meant to love and be loved, and oddly enough, for right now, she was okay with that.