Maybe I Wasn't Enough

All of the sounds in the hospital slowly faded out. I wanted to hug Mr. And Mrs. Smith. I wanted to cry into Evie's shoulder. I wanted to be in Tony's embrace. I wanted to hug Sam. I wanted to run. I wanted to, but I couldn't. My feet were planted there. Solid. Like time. This wasn't right. This couldn't be happening.…

My chest tightened up, and I felt the tears fall off my cheeks, and several pairs of arms wrap around me. None of which the arms I wanted. None of them I needed.

I pushed them all off, and ran out the hospital. I had no idea where I was going, but I couldn't stay here. I had to move. I had to get out. I had to face the truth.

Samuel Smith was dead.

Tears leaked from my bloodshot eyes as I ran through the piercing cold air. I had ran for what seemed like hours. I slowed down a little, my breathing becoming really uneasy.

I clenched my fists, and pounded then against the brick on the outside of the old house in front of me. For the first time, I let out a scream. I was so confused, and hurt, and alone....

Once I finally figured out what I was going to do, I began walking again. I walked to the dollar store. I needed to do something. It might not make sense at the moment, but most of this doesn't make sense anyways.…

I began grabbing several glass Dining sets.

I quickly payed for them, and walked back outside.

Once I had finally gotten to my destination, I jumped over the gate.

The Middle school.

There was a basketball court in the center of the court yard, and I lengthened my strides as I came near it.

In the pavement, the letters 'S.S' and 'I.S' where carved. in between the two, read the word 'forever'. I smiled at the memory. We had to go through a hell of a lot of pain to get here before the cement was dry.

I grabbed a plate, and threw it at the ground. Then another, and another.

I began sobbing uncontrollably as I continued. I watched the shards glide over the pavement.

I finally threw the last cup. The center of the court was covered in broken bits of glass.

I fell to my knees, what was I becoming? None of what I was doing made sense. Only one thing was going through my mind; Cut.

Do it. You're worthless. You're alone. You're never getting out of this hole you call 'life'.

"Don't do it, Bells." I sobbed, quietly.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, and began rocking back and forth.

"Stop. You're better than this. You're strong." I coughed through my tears.

I shook my head. I wasn't strong. I was weak; we all knew this.

I pushed the shards of glass away with my feet, and stood up, only to begin running again.

I needed Evie. I was going to do something I regretted. I was so close to doing something that would most likely change my life forever. If I relapsed again, I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Izzy!" I heard Evie's worried voice scream my name as I came nearer and nearer to the hospital.

"Evie?" I asked, as I rounded the corner of the big brick wall I was at previously.

She ran to me, and pushed me. "Isobella, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" She screamed, tears falling from her face.

"I'm sorry.…" I whispered.

She shook her head, and threw her arms around my neck.

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There wasn't going to be a funeral. Sam hated them with a passion. I couldn't watch the burial. It was too much.

I was just ready to go home. I needed to.

I watched everything pass by out the window of the rental car. I wasn't really watching everything, but rather goggling.

Evie pulled one of my headphones out. "You okay?" She asked.

I forced a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine." I stated.

I was fine, but I didn't want to be alone. That was my greatest fear at the moment. I was afraid Evie would leave me; just like Sam.