You're Hoping For A Taste

“Let's just stay here.”

“For fuck's sake, Jesse, no! We need to sort out your leg, we'll just have to drive through the night to the house.”

“Gabe, I survived a couple of hours in that building without bleeding to death, I can survive the night. We'll just go as soon as it starts getting light. Besides, we can't drive there in the dark, it's in the middle of fucking nowhere. We got lost last time, remember? And then got ambushed by a bunch of Walkers. We're staying here, I'm fine.”

It goes silent and I feel like I should speak up, but I don't want any of them to rip my head off. “I have a first aid qualification, if that's any help. I can sort out Jesse's leg for now with the medical supplies we've got.”

The three of them look at me and I feel heat creep into my cheeks. Kellin smiles and wraps his arms around me for the third time today. “How're you holding up?”

Before I can reply Jesse says, “I thought I was hallucinating when I saw you running towards us with that horde behind you.”

I laugh. Every now and then I begin to shake again, but I always manage to get it under control for a while. “To be honest it doesn't even feel real. I can't believe I did that.”

Kellin pulls away, but he leaves a hand gripping my shoulder, and I feel better.

“I'm really grateful,” Jesse says from where he sits on the back seat, his legs dangling out the car. I can't stop looking at the blood on his jeans. “You didn't even know me and you volunteered to get chased by a bunch of Walkers just to save me, so thanks.”

I smile, feeling myself blush a bit again. “You're welcome.”

“So are we staying here then?” Gabe asks. He doesn't look too happy about it, but Jesse doesn't seem like he's close to death.

Kellin shrugs. “Let's just stay here. If Jesse gets bad in the night then we'll go. Alexa can patch him up for now.”

We're on the outskirts of town. Large houses, woodland. We empty what we need from the car and drag it into the nearby woods. We don't have the energy nor the courage to search a house, so we'll be staying in the four-man tent that Gabe and Jesse had in their car. We get a fire going quick enough, Kellin piling up branches and lighting them with his matches while I see to Jesse. Gabe passes me the things I need: antiseptic wipes and bandages and the like. I don't really know what I'm doing, and the fact that it's already pretty dark and the only light I have to go by is firelight and torchlight doesn't make it any easier.

“How's it looking, doc?” Jesse asks. His voice is strained.

The wound is a clean cut on his calf, not too wide or jagged. “How did you get this?”

“I don't really know,” Jesse says. “We were running and then suddenly there was this pain in my leg. I didn't have time to look round and see what I'd cut myself on.”

“I think it was a bit of pipe,” Gabe chips in, “but I don't know for sure.”

“This is gonna need stitches,” I say as I dab at it with antiseptic wipes.

“We've got some back at the house,” Gabe replies.

By the time I'm bandaging up Jesse's leg the sun has sunk beneath the horizon. It's bitingly cold outside, the heat from the fire only warming my front. Kellin sits right by it, cross-legged on the ground, his head drooping slightly as he waits for Gabe to finish heating our tins of food. Gabe sits there, stirring the contents of the tins with a spoon, and every now and then his eyes flick up to look at Kellin.

Gabe sits back and sighs. He runs a hand across his forehead and says, “What even happened to you, Kellin?”

I feel awkward already, intruding on a conversation between best friends. I'd excuse myself but I need to finish Jesse's bandages, and besides, where would I go?

Kellin looks at Gabe across the fire. He doesn't say anything at first and I busy myself with finishing the bandages.

“What happened, Kel?” Gabe asks more forcefully. “You went back for Katelynne and Copeland and then you were meant to meet us at Justin's but you never showed; we had to leave without you. We thought you were dead.”

Kellin clears his throat. He looks more uncomfortable than me. You can tell he's warring with himself. He wants to tell us but then he doesn't want to talk about it. “I went back for Katelynne and Copeland,” he starts. He doesn't look at Gabe, just stares into the fire, and I want to tell him that he doesn't have to speak about it, but then I also want to know what's torn him up like this. I can hear the tears he's holding back in his voice and the sound of it chips away at my heart. “And I was too late. Katelynne... she- she was in the nursery with Copeland. There was a Walker on the floor. She'd managed to kill it but not- but not before...” His voice cracks and I feel a lump form in my throat. In the firelight tears carve dirty tracks down his face. “She got bitten. I wanted to help her but I couldn't. She told me to... she told me to kill her when she Turned. I said I didn't want to leave her but she said I had to. And then... ugh fuck- and then I went to take Copeland but...” He looks up at the night sky, at the embers twisting into the air from the fire. He drops his head to the ground again, his face completely crumpling now, and I'm aware of the lump in my throat growing. “Copeland had been bitten too. Katelynne had tried to protect her but she couldn't and it was all because I wasn't there, I wasn't fucking there. And then when Katelynne... when she Turned I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't kill her. How could I? I failed her. Even in the end I couldn't help her, I couldn't help my daughter. So I ran.” He stands up then, hurriedly wiping the tears from his face. “Sorry, I can't do this.”

The three of us watch him walk off into the trees, and it's now that I notice there are tears on my face too.

“Oh shit,” Gabe breathes, dropping his head into his hands. “Shit, shit, shit.”

I've finished Jesse's bandages and I just sit there awkwardly. “Shall I go see how he is?”

“Yeah, it's probably better if you go,” Jesse replies, “we might remind him...”

His voice trails off, and I get up and follow the path Kellin took, holding branches aside. I can make out his figure in the dark just up ahead. He stands there, leaning his forehead against a tree trunk, his shoulder shaking and sobs escaping him. The sight of it is so pitiful I just want to make everything better, but I don't know how.

“Kellin?” I call softly.

His face snaps to me at the sound of his name. He rubs at his eyes and turns around, leaning his back against the tree. I come to a stop just a metre from him. I don't say anything; I'll wait for him to talk, if he wants to.

The woods are silent. I can hear the murmuring voices of Gabe and Jesse back at our camp. The only other noises are the wind in the trees and insects.

Eventually he says, “I was thinking about killing myself before you turned up.”

“What?” I never thought I'd hear those words come out of his mouth. Kellin has always seemed so strong, so much stronger than me.

He laughs bitterly. “I was gonna do it. My car had broken down, I was far away from where I was heading. And I just... I couldn't be bothered with the guilt any more.”

“Kellin, you shouldn't feel guilty at all. You did all that you could, I don't know why you beat yourself up like this.”

He carries on like I never spoke. “And then I met you. And I thought, 'I could make this right. I could help her and make up for all the shit that I've done, for all the things I failed to do'. But then, I guess you've helped me too. Just you being here has helped me. I know we've only known each other for a few days but it feels like ages. You saved me. It sounds so stupid but you did.”

I can feel my throat constricting again. “Kellin, I...” I begin, but I never get to finish my sentence, because suddenly Kellin is closing the gap between us and his lips are on mine and I'm so shocked to find myself kissing him back, I'm kissing him and he's kissing me, and for the first time in two months I feel complete. All I know is that right now it's just me and him, and for some strange reason it feels right.

He pulls away suddenly, and even in the darkness I can see how wide his eyes are, how confused he looks. “I shouldn't have done that,” he mumbles. “I'm sorry, Alexa, I shouldn't...”

He doesn't finish speaking, just walks back to the camp, leaving me with a sinking heart and the ghost of his lips on mine.