Cigarette Burns
Chapter Eighteen
"Are you tired?" Matt asked as we sat facing the water in front of Brian's beach house. For the second day in a row we spent the entire day at his beach house, lounging around and swimming in the beautiful water. Matt had barbequed for us again for dinner and we ended up in the same position as the night before in the living room and then decided to go for a walk.
I shrugged my shoulders, "about the same as yesterday." To be honest, I was exhausted but I couldn't feel it. My body was running on adrenaline and I didn't want to stop for one moment. I wanted to take advantage of all of my time with Matt and my new friends before Tony came back. I turned my head towards Brian's beach house and let out a light yawn. When I turned back around Matt was smirking at me in a knowing manner.
"Do you want to stay here tonight?"
"I don't want to stay anywhere tonight." I replied. He raised an eyebrow and gave me a questioning look. "Matt, I don't have much time left to enjoy myself. I want to stay up all night, anywhere and everywhere- even if I'm alone."
Matt wrapped an arm around me, "I'd never make you do anything alone. I would love to take you around town. I want you to enjoy yourself as much as you can Riley."
I smiled up at him and stood up from my spot on the sand and put out my hand to help him up but he just shook his head and laughed at me. He grabbed my hand and we made our way up the beach to his car. "Okay, what do you want to do?" Matt asked. I shrugged my shoulders and opened the door to his car.
We drove all around town, admiring lights and scenes. We stopped to get slurppies and drove around a little more. I saw parts of Huntington Beach that I've never seen before, and I've lived here my entire life. The sad part was that, most of the places we went were right near our neighborhood. Around 4:30 in the morning we decided to head back to the beach.
Matt sat down in the sand and pulled me down with him. He placed my frail body between his legs and I leaned back into his chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist as I placed my hands on top of his. We breathed together- our bodies inhaling and exhaling at the same time, taking in everything around us. "Riley?" Matt asked, after ten minutes of completely comfortable silence.
"Yes?" I asked, keeping my eyes closed as I breathed in the fresh morning air.
"Can we... can we talk about you and Tony?" By the sound of Matt's voice, I could hear that it hurt him to think or even talk about my situation. I could also feel all of his muscles tense at Tony's name. I took in a deep breath and nodded my head.
"Why do you love him?"
My eyes shot open and I turned around in Matt's embrace. I looked into his eyes and seized his hands in mine, "I don't." Matt nodded his head, but I could see in his eyes what he really meant. I looked down to our connected hands and smiled. "I was young and stupid. I thought I had it all, you know? When you're younger and a girl, all you want is love and a great guy to show off. I never had many problems with my family, because they were never really there much for me, so I guess you could say I was lacking love in my life. When I started dating Tony, he was great- to me. I knew he was an asshole and I heard all of the horror stories, but I figured people could change. The next thing I knew, he was telling me he loved me and wanted me to move in with him, because he 'couldn't live without me by his side'. I thought it was silly and a little rushed, but I agreed. I moved out of my mom's house and in with Tony and that's when things started going down the drain. It was okay for about a month and then everything I started doing was wrong in some way. He always found something wrong with me." I paused and clenched my teeth together.
"I was the type of girl who not really wanted to wait to have sex until she was married, but wait to have sex until I knew it was right. I wanted to have that feeling that everything was perfect, and my heart filled with love for the person- not fear. I knew if there was even a tiny ounce of fear, then it wasn't right. Before I moved in with Tony he was okay with that, well, he said he was. That's why I thought he was so perfect, because he wasn't rushing or pushing me. But once we moved in together, he started pushing me and I always said no and that I wasn't ready. He started to hurt me not long after the issues with nothing being right. At first it'd be a simple slap in the face or grab my wrists, but as months passed, everything became more violent. One night, after we had been living together for almost two months he was angry because I was still refusing to have sex with him, he struck me across the face so hard that I flew back into the wall a foot away and fell to the ground. He grabbed me by the wrists and dragged me up the stairs. That night, the only thing that was still me and untainted was raped and taken away. When he was done having his fun, he stood up and glared at me and told me that I was horrible, useless and that he didn't even know why I wanted to wait because it was the worst sex he'd ever had and then he left. I wrapped blankets around me and curled into a fetal position. Not long after, when I pulled myself together a little, I crawled to the bathroom. I was in so much pain that I was even in tears as I crawled. I sat in the shower and let the water pour on me until all of the hot water was gone. When I got out, I wrapped myself in a towel and passed out on the bathroom floor, still crying." I took a deep breath as I held back my tears.
"The next morning Tony came back and came into the bathroom. He found me on the floor and started kicking and beating me. From that day the beatings just kept getting worse and worse. I used to stick up for myself, but that only made them worse. There were days where I couldn't even open my eyes because they were in so much pain. Do you know how useless you feel after being raped of the only thing that you wanted to keep to yourself, and after getting beat and torn everyday? I didn't even feel human anymore. I felt less important then the fucking dirt you walk on. But I kept strong and I stopped crying every time he hurt me because I grew cold of all feelings. I kept going to school everyday so I would get less beatings, but if I was home late, then he'd beat me for that too. I kept telling myself that I'd get out of there, that I would become human again and maybe, just maybe someone would find me who could love me through all of my scars, but I grew out of that not long after, because Tony just made me feel more useless every minute that I breathed." I bit my lip, still keeping my tears from falling. My voice was shaking so horrible, you would've thought that I was in the Arctic versus California.
"Matt? What did I ever do to deserve this? How can someone be so heartless and make someone feel so dehumanized?" I looked up when I felt rain drops on my skin. It took me a moment to realize that it was not rain, but Matt crying. His tears streamed down his face as he took in deep breaths and pulled me close to him. He wrapped his arms around me even tighter and that's when tears finally slipped from my eyes. Our bodies started to vibrate against one another as we cried in sync.
"Riley... you'll make it out alive. I'm going to help you- I'm going to do everything in my power to get you out of there." Matt wiped the moisture off of my face and tucked my hair behind my ears. He lifted my chin and looked me in the eyes, "I will love you through all of your scars Riley Smith." I broke down again and smiled, locking my arms around Matt's neck with such force he fell backwards onto the sand. He let out a light laugh and locked his arms around my waist.
I situated myself comfortably on top of Matt, laying my head on his chest to hear his steady heartbeat. I rested my hands lightly on his shoulders as he placed his hands on top of each other on the small of my back. We lay in the sand and watched as the sun rose over the horizon above the ocean in beautiful oranges, yellows and reds. "Thank-you for showing me how to live Matt," I smiled as I closed my eyes and snuggled into him more.
I shrugged my shoulders, "about the same as yesterday." To be honest, I was exhausted but I couldn't feel it. My body was running on adrenaline and I didn't want to stop for one moment. I wanted to take advantage of all of my time with Matt and my new friends before Tony came back. I turned my head towards Brian's beach house and let out a light yawn. When I turned back around Matt was smirking at me in a knowing manner.
"Do you want to stay here tonight?"
"I don't want to stay anywhere tonight." I replied. He raised an eyebrow and gave me a questioning look. "Matt, I don't have much time left to enjoy myself. I want to stay up all night, anywhere and everywhere- even if I'm alone."
Matt wrapped an arm around me, "I'd never make you do anything alone. I would love to take you around town. I want you to enjoy yourself as much as you can Riley."
I smiled up at him and stood up from my spot on the sand and put out my hand to help him up but he just shook his head and laughed at me. He grabbed my hand and we made our way up the beach to his car. "Okay, what do you want to do?" Matt asked. I shrugged my shoulders and opened the door to his car.
We drove all around town, admiring lights and scenes. We stopped to get slurppies and drove around a little more. I saw parts of Huntington Beach that I've never seen before, and I've lived here my entire life. The sad part was that, most of the places we went were right near our neighborhood. Around 4:30 in the morning we decided to head back to the beach.
Matt sat down in the sand and pulled me down with him. He placed my frail body between his legs and I leaned back into his chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist as I placed my hands on top of his. We breathed together- our bodies inhaling and exhaling at the same time, taking in everything around us. "Riley?" Matt asked, after ten minutes of completely comfortable silence.
"Yes?" I asked, keeping my eyes closed as I breathed in the fresh morning air.
"Can we... can we talk about you and Tony?" By the sound of Matt's voice, I could hear that it hurt him to think or even talk about my situation. I could also feel all of his muscles tense at Tony's name. I took in a deep breath and nodded my head.
"Why do you love him?"
My eyes shot open and I turned around in Matt's embrace. I looked into his eyes and seized his hands in mine, "I don't." Matt nodded his head, but I could see in his eyes what he really meant. I looked down to our connected hands and smiled. "I was young and stupid. I thought I had it all, you know? When you're younger and a girl, all you want is love and a great guy to show off. I never had many problems with my family, because they were never really there much for me, so I guess you could say I was lacking love in my life. When I started dating Tony, he was great- to me. I knew he was an asshole and I heard all of the horror stories, but I figured people could change. The next thing I knew, he was telling me he loved me and wanted me to move in with him, because he 'couldn't live without me by his side'. I thought it was silly and a little rushed, but I agreed. I moved out of my mom's house and in with Tony and that's when things started going down the drain. It was okay for about a month and then everything I started doing was wrong in some way. He always found something wrong with me." I paused and clenched my teeth together.
"I was the type of girl who not really wanted to wait to have sex until she was married, but wait to have sex until I knew it was right. I wanted to have that feeling that everything was perfect, and my heart filled with love for the person- not fear. I knew if there was even a tiny ounce of fear, then it wasn't right. Before I moved in with Tony he was okay with that, well, he said he was. That's why I thought he was so perfect, because he wasn't rushing or pushing me. But once we moved in together, he started pushing me and I always said no and that I wasn't ready. He started to hurt me not long after the issues with nothing being right. At first it'd be a simple slap in the face or grab my wrists, but as months passed, everything became more violent. One night, after we had been living together for almost two months he was angry because I was still refusing to have sex with him, he struck me across the face so hard that I flew back into the wall a foot away and fell to the ground. He grabbed me by the wrists and dragged me up the stairs. That night, the only thing that was still me and untainted was raped and taken away. When he was done having his fun, he stood up and glared at me and told me that I was horrible, useless and that he didn't even know why I wanted to wait because it was the worst sex he'd ever had and then he left. I wrapped blankets around me and curled into a fetal position. Not long after, when I pulled myself together a little, I crawled to the bathroom. I was in so much pain that I was even in tears as I crawled. I sat in the shower and let the water pour on me until all of the hot water was gone. When I got out, I wrapped myself in a towel and passed out on the bathroom floor, still crying." I took a deep breath as I held back my tears.
"The next morning Tony came back and came into the bathroom. He found me on the floor and started kicking and beating me. From that day the beatings just kept getting worse and worse. I used to stick up for myself, but that only made them worse. There were days where I couldn't even open my eyes because they were in so much pain. Do you know how useless you feel after being raped of the only thing that you wanted to keep to yourself, and after getting beat and torn everyday? I didn't even feel human anymore. I felt less important then the fucking dirt you walk on. But I kept strong and I stopped crying every time he hurt me because I grew cold of all feelings. I kept going to school everyday so I would get less beatings, but if I was home late, then he'd beat me for that too. I kept telling myself that I'd get out of there, that I would become human again and maybe, just maybe someone would find me who could love me through all of my scars, but I grew out of that not long after, because Tony just made me feel more useless every minute that I breathed." I bit my lip, still keeping my tears from falling. My voice was shaking so horrible, you would've thought that I was in the Arctic versus California.
"Matt? What did I ever do to deserve this? How can someone be so heartless and make someone feel so dehumanized?" I looked up when I felt rain drops on my skin. It took me a moment to realize that it was not rain, but Matt crying. His tears streamed down his face as he took in deep breaths and pulled me close to him. He wrapped his arms around me even tighter and that's when tears finally slipped from my eyes. Our bodies started to vibrate against one another as we cried in sync.
"Riley... you'll make it out alive. I'm going to help you- I'm going to do everything in my power to get you out of there." Matt wiped the moisture off of my face and tucked my hair behind my ears. He lifted my chin and looked me in the eyes, "I will love you through all of your scars Riley Smith." I broke down again and smiled, locking my arms around Matt's neck with such force he fell backwards onto the sand. He let out a light laugh and locked his arms around my waist.
I situated myself comfortably on top of Matt, laying my head on his chest to hear his steady heartbeat. I rested my hands lightly on his shoulders as he placed his hands on top of each other on the small of my back. We lay in the sand and watched as the sun rose over the horizon above the ocean in beautiful oranges, yellows and reds. "Thank-you for showing me how to live Matt," I smiled as I closed my eyes and snuggled into him more.