Status: Do not be a silent reader bebs <3
Losing My Faith
Alison
Devil: noun, verb
the supreme spirit of evil; Satan. A subordinate evil spirit at enmity with God, and having power to afflict humans both with bodily disease and with spiritual corruption. An atrociously wicked, cruel, or ill-tempered person.
Why Alison? Why did you have to go? Why did you change? We could’ve lived together, forever- just like we promised. Now I just can’t escape the feeling that you never loved me, all that time for nothing, absolutely nothing- just a memory; a beautiful, scary, dangerous memory that all started and ended because of a damned kiss. I’m sorry Alison, but I really can’t do this anymore.
I remember Baodan Cole vividly: his laugh, his hair, and his malleable, affectionate, loving hands. His power to love you, and kiss you rough and dangerous, but soft and gentle at the same time has perpetually fixed itself into my mind. I evoke the times of ecstasy and still feel myself gradually, but willingly being engulfed in rich amounts of passion and heat that vanished within 10 seconds.
Every daunting, poignant and joyful memory we shared is still there, every word I was too anxious to utter is caught on the tip of my tongue and of course, I remember that lugubrious day in which we took that first step as a proper couple that would ruin our relationship for eternity.
We were never ‘meant to be’… or at least I keep trying to remind myself of that fact. But I instead find myself curled up on Friday nights, with re-runs of Skins crying into the sink, eating whatever food contains more than 400 calories. My existence is an accumulated litter of disarray as if all good memoirs and happenings from ‘what-went-before’ are part of some mass genocide, Adolf Hitler lives in my brain, slowly but surely exterminating every good thought, every high-achievement until I’m left with nothing but a cave of despair and loneliness- and every time I try to straighten it out, I somehow find myself hurtling downwards, perhaps for the reason that I am still dishonorably and irrevocably besotted with Baodan Cole- although I know I really shouldn’t be.
Our story is putrid, crammed with so much lust that there was never really any time for love. You may think it sad, the exiled introverted boy, falls for the troubled girl. I wouldn’t say we were perfect for each other either, or that he ‘fixed’ me, because no matter how hard he tried I was and most likely always will be this dim girl trapped in her adolescent days, and as miserable as it is I never particularly wanted to change- that is what ruined us. No matter what Baodan believes, whether he thinks it was him who ruined us or not it was me and always me, and now there is absolutely no going back.
the supreme spirit of evil; Satan. A subordinate evil spirit at enmity with God, and having power to afflict humans both with bodily disease and with spiritual corruption. An atrociously wicked, cruel, or ill-tempered person.
Why Alison? Why did you have to go? Why did you change? We could’ve lived together, forever- just like we promised. Now I just can’t escape the feeling that you never loved me, all that time for nothing, absolutely nothing- just a memory; a beautiful, scary, dangerous memory that all started and ended because of a damned kiss. I’m sorry Alison, but I really can’t do this anymore.
I remember Baodan Cole vividly: his laugh, his hair, and his malleable, affectionate, loving hands. His power to love you, and kiss you rough and dangerous, but soft and gentle at the same time has perpetually fixed itself into my mind. I evoke the times of ecstasy and still feel myself gradually, but willingly being engulfed in rich amounts of passion and heat that vanished within 10 seconds.
Every daunting, poignant and joyful memory we shared is still there, every word I was too anxious to utter is caught on the tip of my tongue and of course, I remember that lugubrious day in which we took that first step as a proper couple that would ruin our relationship for eternity.
We were never ‘meant to be’… or at least I keep trying to remind myself of that fact. But I instead find myself curled up on Friday nights, with re-runs of Skins crying into the sink, eating whatever food contains more than 400 calories. My existence is an accumulated litter of disarray as if all good memoirs and happenings from ‘what-went-before’ are part of some mass genocide, Adolf Hitler lives in my brain, slowly but surely exterminating every good thought, every high-achievement until I’m left with nothing but a cave of despair and loneliness- and every time I try to straighten it out, I somehow find myself hurtling downwards, perhaps for the reason that I am still dishonorably and irrevocably besotted with Baodan Cole- although I know I really shouldn’t be.
Our story is putrid, crammed with so much lust that there was never really any time for love. You may think it sad, the exiled introverted boy, falls for the troubled girl. I wouldn’t say we were perfect for each other either, or that he ‘fixed’ me, because no matter how hard he tried I was and most likely always will be this dim girl trapped in her adolescent days, and as miserable as it is I never particularly wanted to change- that is what ruined us. No matter what Baodan believes, whether he thinks it was him who ruined us or not it was me and always me, and now there is absolutely no going back.