The Moment I Knew

It was December 17th, the day of my 21st birthday. I looked around the room and saw my family and friends all with smiles on their faces, while they reminisced on memories. I kept looking at the clock. He was supposed to be here by now. I anxiously tapped my fingers against the black grand piano in the lounge.

“Someone looks impatient.” My dad laughed as he walked up to me.

“Hey, dad.” He engulfed me in a hug.

“Happy birthday, kiddo. It’s amazing you’re already 21 years old. I remember when you were turning 6 and all you wanted was barbie dolls and Britney Spears CD’s.” He laughed and suddenly the joy disappeared from his face and his eyes started turning pink.

“Aw, dad. Please don’t cry. I hate seeing you like this.” I tilted my head to the side, giving him a sympathetic look. “If it’ll help, I can ask for a Britney Spears CD next year?” I offered jokingly. He laughed gently and stroked the side of my face.

“Elle, you grew up wonderfully. I love you.” He said as he wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt.

“I love you too.” I smiled as he hugged me for what seemed like the 10th time that evening. As soon as he left, I dropped the act. I wasn’t happy. How on Earth could I pretend to be? I looked at my phone. 7:36. I decided I should try and call him. I went through my contacts on my phone and dialed.

“Hey, this is Dylan. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.” I heard the beep and my heart sank. Why wasn’t he answering? His closest friends were even here. If they could attend my birthday gathering, he should fucking be here, too.

The night went on slowly. I kept glancing at the clock, then the door. It seemed like hours passing by when it had only been a few minutes. Our relationship hadn’t been right for the past month now. I should’ve seen this coming. It all started with another girl. Amanda.

Dylan and I went out to dinner for our 1 year anniversary. He picked the restaurant, per usual. Our waitress was Amanda. Throughout the dinner I could see him trying to catch glimpses at her. I had gotten so angry that I just left early. I felt so unwanted and unneeded, so I called a taxi and went home. That was the biggest argument we’d ever gotten into. Little did I know that after I left, Amanda was being sympathetic towards Dylan, and apparently he got her number. We’ve now been dating for 2 years, and Amanda is Dylan’s new best friend. I had talked to his other friends about her. They all said they’re constantly texting and they all feel replaced. He doesn’t make time for them anymore. I guess I’m not alone.

I looked at the clock one more time before I felt my eyes sting. ‘Don’t cry now. Not in front of everyone.’ I thought as I walked down the hallway to the bathroom. I knocked on the door to make sure it was vacant. It was. I opened the door and slowly sank to the floor and let out a sob. I could feel my breathing getting uneven. I grabbed the towel closest to me and wiped my face. I got up and looked in the mirror. Fantastic. My makeup was streaming down my face and my hair looked like a rats nest. I put the towel to my mouth to muffle my scream. Why? That’s what I wanted to know. Why her? Why me? Why now?

“Hey, is everything okay in there?” I heard Dylan’s friend Brian say as he knocked gently on the white wooden door. I tried to speak, but my throat was dry. Instead, I walked to the door and opened it, revealing myself in all my glory, so to be speak. His smile dropped and his arms extended. I needed a hug. He wrapped his arms around me and started stroking my back. “Shh, it’s okay Elle. He’s such a douche for doing this to you. You don’t deserve this.” He kept whispering to me but I blocked him out. I don’t care if he was an asshole for doing this. He was supposed to be my asshole. I wish he’d show up just so I can slap him then kiss him. I needed him.

After what seemed like forever, I recomposed myself and Brian escorted me back out to the party. I put on the smile that all my friends and family recognized and cherished. I made my rounds and spoke to everyone, thanking them for coming. Some people asked about Dylan, but I did my best to avoid the question. I’d answer with a simple,”Oh, he’s great.” Then quickly change the subject. Throughout the entire gathering I could feel my heart shattering into a million tiny pieces. I could feel a lump in my throat that made me feel like I was choking every time I went to speak. I felt tears prick my eyes, causing them to slightly sting against the cold draft. I did my best to stay strong. I really did.

“Bye, Auntie Barbara.” I said a few hours later, hugging her goodbye. “Thank you for coming!” I shut the door. Finally, it was over. I kissed my parents goodnight and made my way into my bedroom. I softly closed the door and inhaled a sharp breath. It got to the point where I didn’t necessarily feel hurt, but I definitely felt numb. Part of me wanted to bawl my eyes out. I couldn’t. I tried. I thought of old memories, I looked at old photos, I went through our texts. Nothing worked. I sighed and decided I should try and get some sleep. After all, I’d been awake since 7 this morning and it was now 11:40. I got changed into my blue t-shirt and grey sweatpants and wrapped myself up in my blankets.

About 20 minutes later, I heard my cell phone vibrating on my nightstand. It took me a second to realize it was a phone call, not a text. “Oh, shit.” I reached over to turn on the lamp next to my bed. I squinted at the light as it flooded my eyes. “Hello?” I said, my voice groggy.

“Hey, it’s Dylan.” There’s that shattering feeling again. I sat up and rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands. Seriously? He has the nerve to call me now?

“Listen, I just wanted to apologize for not coming tonight.” His voice was soft, and it was filled with guilt.

“I’m sorry, too.” I said, as I finally let a single tear descend down my cheek, gently splashing against my pillow.

That was the moment I knew.