You Were Right About Me.

I untwist the straw that I’ve been playing. I watch him switch places with the boy who almost spilled his bottle of Jack Daniels at my boyfriend’s crotch. My boyfriend hisses when the bartender didn’t hear him; unexpected. He’s Ryan, the epitome of a real arsehole; if you haven’t seen one. He always thinks that everyone in this room will treat him like he’s the god almighty. There’s no god, he says. Why? He’s the god, he says. Oh look at him, spilling all the certain liquid in his throat. He turns around and bam, he sees me. I should be standing up now and, running to the nearest exit just to ignore his glare. But no I stayed on my seat and, waiting for him to walk up to me and act like he still cares. He places the cup, looking all groggy. He removes his black tie as he stands up from his seat and walks up to me.

I am scared of him but it’s not that severe yet. I can do this. I won’t ignore him. I don’t care if he’s going to slap me across the face. I’m going to talk to him. This is why I’m inside this smoky bar. Just to explain every single thing to him. I slip my hands inside my jean’s pockets while he clenches his hands in so much anger.

“Why the fuck are you in here?” I look up at him, trusting all of my guts. I shake my head and reply, “I was looking for you.”

Ryan grabs my arm and drags me out of the area. His grip is so painful, like a fucking metal clenching your arm. I’m trying to ignore the fact that I feel like he’s about to rip my arm off. He closes the door and drops my arm. He walks away from me and says, “I suggest you to go away because I’m fine already.”

“I just want to expla—“

Ryan’s laugh echoes because the street is empty and dull. He smirks, “Explanation, eh? Now you’re saying your explanation? You’ve been running away and I’ve been looking for you and now, you show up in front of me saying “Here’s my fucking explanation and fucking listen to me”? Brendon, are you serious? I was so worried. I thought you died. Nobody knows where you went—“

I wipe the sweat that is forming on my forehead. I’m not quitting here. “I’m sorry. I needed space, Ryan. I was scared that I’m going to lose you. I was scared that everybody will hate me. But I did it for the best, I did—“

“For the best?! Oh, so you do want me to die worrying about you? Is that what you want? What’s your objective? You’re afraid that everyone will know what?! Everything is not clear to me, Brendon. I don’t fucking understand what you’re trying to deliver here. Why are you even going to lose me? Is there anything that I don’t know?”

I feel my spirit going down. My guts are telling me to turn around and walk away again. He doesn’t know yet; no one told him. No one told him the truth when I was gone. No one told him. Jon and Spencer didn’t inform him.

“I really think I deserve to know, Brendon.” His face starts to soften when I get lost with my thoughts. I feel my heart thumping. It’ll be better if I’m going to tell him all that he doesn’t know. I rub my hair, truly exhausted. He turns me around, facing him. I feel his hands creeping at the back of my shoulder. I’m on the verge, oh, I’m on the verge of crying; of breaking down in front of him.

I let out a shaky sigh. This is it. I fucking swear this is truly it.

“Remember the last time that you saw me? Yeah, that was the time when I ruined it. That was the time when I couldn’t take it anymore. When you were at Jon’s, I started packing my shitload things and pushed all of it inside a black backpack – your backpack. I didn’t lock the door and, I’m sure you know that. I went to Canada, taking my regrets with me.”

Ryan raises his eyebrow in confusion, “Re-regrets? What regrets?”

I stop talking and stares at him, my tears are about to drop. I shrug and look down. He raises my chin slowly, “Is this about our relationship? Did you…cheat?”

He gave me 2 minutes but I didn’t reply. I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say to him, I fucking don’t know. He let’s go of my chin and moves backward. He shakes his head and let out a chuckle, “Brendon no—you’re joking.”

I shake my head as well, tears running on my cheeks. “I was drunk and so were Shane and the thought of being laid flashed in my head. And—.“ I sob through it. I can’t look straight at him anymore. I don’t think I could ever. I open my mouth, trying to be manlier but fail miserably because I am gay so I wipe my tears away. He didn’t do anything. His glare is back and the way he clenches his hands makes me worst.

“That’s why.” He replies, his tone of speaking becomes slur. He flicks his tongue and says, “I was right. I was right about you.”

“You were also like that Ryan! You cheated on me for how many times? 6! Stop acting like you didn’t cheat on me. Every time you cheat, you would always say sorry and I’d accept that. You’re not being—“

Ryan shakes his head, “Brendon, I know you. You’re not that stupid to do that. I’m also sure that you know me. I’m an ass. And I did cheat on you but, I didn’t mean all of it. It was all a mistake! And did I ever run away because of that? No! I faced you.”

I fall on my knees, “I was so scared. I’m so sorry.”

“The one you did wasn’t a mistake. You have feelings for Shane. Everybody knows that. I spent two years just to have you but you always come back to him. What does he have that I don’t?” He chuckles sadly, “I’m so tired, Brendon. I’m so fucking tired stealing you away from his grip. And every single time I already have you wrapped around my shoulders, he would always find a way to make you fall back to him. I don’t think I can’t do a single think about that. As much as I want to have you, I can’t; because you gave your heart to someone already.”

“I did love Sh-“

I try to explain it to him; to be clearer. But he didn’t give me any second. He turns around and whispers, “I love you more than you think, Brendon.”

I watch him walk away from me. And I’m alone again, back to the way I used to be when I haven’t met him. I don’t know why I am like this. I don’t know how to show my feelings to others. I deserve this anyway.

Fuck feelings.